How to Procrastinate: Tip No. 1—The Internet

Since the mists of Time began to clear, and the beginnings of Life began to coalesce in the Primordial Sea, and maybe a stray spark from a lightning bolt or whatever accidentally caused a blob of goo to congeal into something that could use a qwerty keyboard, Man has wondered, “Why are we here?”

The Internet is the answer to this question. Actually, it doesn’t answer the question, but it makes it easier to avoid, which in my book is as good as answering it.

Andy Warhol once said that the most difficult thing in life is figuring out what to do with the next ten minutes. At least I think he said that (I could look it up but I’m writing this right now so I’ll get to it in a sec). He’s more famous for that famous-for-fifteen-minutes thing. Man, he sure rode that one to the bank. Anyway, I don’t think he would mind having things he didn’t say attributed to him. In addition to reproducing mass-produced images, this guy made an 8-hour shot of the Empire State Building into a movie. Hey, if you want to fill some time, you could either 1) go see that movie, or 2) stare at this picture for 8 hours.

The thing with the movie is that it is actually 8 hours and 5 minutes, so at 7 hours and 55 minutes you might want to think about what you’re going to do with the 10 minutes after the film is over. I’m just giving you the heads up.

In order to procrastinate effectively, you must chose something to avoid. Without the delicious frisson of guilt hovering at the fringes of your chosen activity, you will not be procrastinating, but merely wasting time.

Let me recommend: getting a life. To be clear: the thing you are avoiding is “getting a life.” You can be more specific (avoid getting out of your chair, or avoid getting your job done, or even better, avoid getting a job), but I urge you to Dream Big. I once worked with someone who said, “Reach for the stars and maybe you’ll hit  the lamppost,” which seemed like a dumb-ass thing to say. Why would I want to hit a lamppost?  I’m a lazy mofo, but I’m not a vandal. At any rate, I don’t work there anymore so I don't have to listen to that crap.

In conclusion, though the official story is that the internet was invented by the military/Al Gore to communicate top-secret info/bore us into a drooling coma, this is only partly true. It was invented by the military so we could park ourselves in front of the pretty pixels and look at porn instead of going outside to play.

OK, I’ll keep this short. I know you have things to not-do.  Mine is not-blogging.

Next time: porn.