Capsular Reviews of Anything 1.0

Murphy’s Law (1986) (edited for TV version)

It is a wonder that I can continue to find points to make about Charles Bronson. He cannot pull off the drunken, washed-up cop, but does deliver some of his best zingers: “Can you count to five?” “Yes” “How ‘bout with no teeth?!?” The forty three year age gap between Kathleen Wilhoite’s Arabella and Bronson’s Jack Murphy make for disturbing sexual innuendos, and in the scoured version, her expletives are replaced with the timeless “Barf Bag!!” and “Dog Snot!!” An odd-couple-on-the-run classic.

Crash (2004) (new Tony Danza vehicle, not Ballard adaptation)

For a preachy, wallowing, disappointing, predictable, Magnolia Jr., this is not bad.

 
Prom Night (1980)

Old men arguing with one another: 97% Actual horror: 3%

The Indy 500 - 05/29/05

One of the following did not happen: Three Doors Down stretched out their big hit to provide background jams for the driver introduction. Colin Powell drove the pace car. David Letterman, owner of three cars, was shown intently following his giant headphones. The 23-year-old Danica Patrick made history. A bedraggled 1987 Pontiac 6000 LE pace car snuck onto the tracks, causing much confusion.

The Hills Have Eyes Pt. II (1985)

A dog has a flashback!!

To The Limit: The Untold Story of The Eagles by Marc Eliot

I skipped ahead to the inner workings of their last real hit, “I Can’t Tell You Why.” This afternoon rock classic, written and sung by newcomer Timothy B. Schmit, was considered “gorgeous” and “sophisticated” if I remember correctly. I just wanted publicists to know that I occasionally crack the advanced reader’s copies that they send to me in the mail. Occasionally.

Wendy’s “Triple Stacker” Cheeseburger

“You’ll need an entire stack of napkins” for this burger that makes “other burgers look like drink coasters.” Eliminating perhaps ribs or hot wings, since when is it appealing to make a big-ass mess? Don’t eat before an important meeting!! The fast food industry has obviously recovered from the Super Size Me attack, and has embarked on a relentless “Fuck It!” campaign. Now if Morgan Spurlock can incorporate this into a follow-up documentary about his irritating girlfriend…

Cars in Mexico

My mother failed to be amazed at the otherworldly hybrids buzzing through the town of Progresso. A Jetta with an Escort hatchback welded onto its ass? Sure, coming up here on the right. A Mitsubishi Mirage with a pickup truck bed? Right there. I see nothing as interesting on the streets of America.

ABC’s Invasion (coming this Fall)

Yep, I’m really looking forward to this.

The Feelies’ Sooner Or Later 12”, The Alan Parsons Project’s Turn of a Friendly Card LP, Starz’ Violation LP, and the Mighty Mighty Lemon Drops World Without End LP.

For all of this, I'm about five dollars poorer and much happier.

Comments

[ross menuez]

sorry...no tv yet....can you post the answer to No. 4? thanks

[chris]

Oh but we do have freaky hybrids in the US (Memphis even)! A few weeks ago, I saw a late model monster Mitsubishi Eclipse on my way back to Midtown via Lamar. Yes, that's right...monster. It was jacked up 5 feet in the air. I was speachless. Why don't I ever have a camera when I need it?