Bibleman is coming, and he's ready to smite you. More specifically, in his newest episode, he's ready to smite his arch nemesis Wacky Protester, who aims to to create a world where there will be no Christians, no churches, no Bibles, and no God! Wacky Protester (pictured in blue to the right) is armed with his latest Anti-Christian weapon - the NeuroIconoclasticSkeptisiser, which he uses to lure unwitting Vacation Bible School students into his Animated Reconstructive Transport (A.R.T.), where they will be trapped in a world where there are no rules, no faith, no hope and no future! But Wacky Protester is no match for Bibleman, who grunts scripture and seethes dialog like "The full armor of God. Never leave home without it."
If it's possible to track a culture by monitoring it's cartoon characters and puppets, then Bibleman warrants some special attention. His enemies are protesters, skeptics, art and Jews. And Ricky Martin. And there's big money trying to propel Bibleman beyond the lucrative but limited Christian video market.
That's why Bibleman is coming to The Big Apple. Next Saturday, June 25th at the Flushing Meadows Fairgrounds in Queens. Bibleman and Reverend Billy Graham, who is bringing it back home to the city where it began for him in 1957, when he preached over 100 nights in a row at Madison Square Garden. The preacher who kept his flock intact while the liberal forces of darkness reigned supreme throughout the Sixties and Seventies is reaching out to the newest generation of Christian soldiers by sharing the spotlight of his final evangelical tour with... Bibleman.
That's right, Bibleman. The Power-Ranger-With-a-Light-Saber-for-Jesus who has been played for the last ten years by Willie Aames, the former child star of Eight is Enough and Charles in Charge. It's a powerful franchise,as straight-to-video franchises go. Bibleman's had nine videos go platinum and he's a force to be reckoned with in Latin America.
But Pamplin Communications, a division of Oregon-based billionaire Robert Pamplin's faith-based empire, has bigger plans for Bibleman. Willie Aames is out, to be replaced by a younger, hunkier Bibleman named Josh Carpenter. Also gone are Bibleman's scripture-based villains of yesteryear, like The Gossip Queen and The Prince of Pride, to be replaced by villains more appropriate for the current cultural war, like Wacky Protester or Primordius Drool, the Jewish Jerry Springer knockoff with a mohawk who tries to turn people into atheists, and whose gold-filled teeth ultimately prove to be his undoing.
Bibleman has long been available on VHS and DVD, but now Pamplin is taking the franchise into the influential gaming market, and taking Bibleman on tour with Billy Graham. But while Christian volunteers busily hawk Bibleman tickets to the under-five set, the good Reverend seems slightly uncomfortable with the Bibleman affiliation. A trip to the Billy Graham website includes a link to the Bibleman site, but it's preceded with this disclaimer:
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What's Bibleman got for Billy Graham to be embarrassed about?
A batch of Jew-y villains, for starters. An examination of their barely-working flash movie trailers reveals the following evil-doers:
Luxor Spawndroth - A long-beaked villain with a Gene Simmons vibe who breeds disobediance and rebellion (pictured at left and right)
El Furioso - An evil subterranean Jew-villain who miraculously transforms himself into Ricky Martin for his recruitment dance numbers. El Furioso incites random violence by sprinkling "gold fury dust" on the populace.
Dr. Fear - A gay Jewish villain who makes catty remarks about Bibleman. Dr. Fear's chief weapon is - you guessed it - fear.
The Fibbler - A Jewish Gene Wilder / Burgess Meredith kind of villain who clouds the minds of young people and gets them started down the path of evil secular humanism by encouraging white lies and equivocation. (Pictured at left.)
Shadow of Doubt - Mildly Semitic with a speedy Latin Dennis Hopper quality Shadow of Doubt is the only Bibleman super villain who appears to have a good band. The Shadow of Doubt episode looks worth viewing for Shadow's musical dance number alone.
Bibleman is geared towards pre-tweens, but Bibleman Junior is designed and marketed for the under-five set. Which is fine, except that the message of Bibleman is an intolerant lie, albeit one that is common to most forms of religious fundamentalism: those who don't accept our view of things are out to destroy us. Or put another way, those not with us are against us. Sound familiar?
Onward, Christian Soldiers.