Worried about your own potential for terrorism in America's airports and subways? Sooth your orange-level jitters at FaceAnalyzer.com, an online face photo analysis service that not only racially profiles you before you get a chance to get hassled by bored, underpaid security personnel at LaGuardia, but also decides what gender you are (in case you're confused), rates your "gay factor," lets you know how well you get along with "Boss Types" and "Drifter Types" and "Academics" (all three of which could easily be pipe bomb makers), and lets you know if you suffer from any personality disorders or rage problems.
Submit a clear face photo (you ham!), and then you're ready for scrutiny! Oh yea, you have to register at the non-secured site first. Anyway, the binary panel not only judges you like the book cover you obviously are, but it also matches you up to other terrorist cells... oops, I mean "friend groups" so you can hook up with like-minded, free-floating agents who can equally fool security devices. You can all then get together for an explosive night in the city and paint the town red! So take your best surveillance camera-ready, racially-neutral face shot over to FaceAnalyzer.com, where the terrorist threat color code is always a pastoral shade of green, and your mug shot can be cast in a permanent tint of (Dorian) gray...
I did a little experiment at FaceAnalyzer.com, I submitted two photos of myself...
One photo (below) is my old Plano, Texas high school senior yearbook photo, which shows me in full repressed, Southern Baptist Stepford Teen-mode - where I did nothing but study, go to church, live in a deep, deep shell and figure out ways to keep the real me hidden from the real world better than even Bin Laden does now. Ahh youth - the best years of my life!
And the second photo (further below), taken many years later on a drug-fueled night at Manhattan's The Cock, some time in the late 90's ...showing me and my great friend Ricardo high as satellites at 6am on crystal meth, dancing to blaring Sylvester tunes and trying to start a fashion trend by wearing shirts that we stole earlier from a dead body stretched over our shoulders, right before we retired to the club's back room where we participated in some triple fisting and then ritualistically sacrificed a baby that some Satanist smuggled into the club. A typical night.
What did FaceAnalyzer.com have to say about the two "different" "me's"?
Photo 1 (click to enlarge), FaceAnalyzer says:
- I am 88% South East Asian race, my gender is male
- Intelligence: 6.9, Risk: 4.6, Ambition: 6.0, Gay Factor: 1.3, Honor: 4.5, Promiscuity: 1.7.
- I don't get along with "Boss Types" or "Gambler Types" but do get chummy with "Blue Collar" and "White Collar" types. "Gambler Types" see me as a fool and "Drifter Types" relate to my relaxed nature. The style of dress I am most likely to adopt is "Goth" and my best choice of profession is "Chef," "Cashier" or "Unskilled Laborer." I like to use drugs and my emotions fluctuate fairly often, resulting in "incredible highs" and "devastating lows." My "celebrity match" is Conan O'Brian.
Photo 2 (click to enlarge) FaceAnalyzer says:
- I am 81% Korean/Japanese and 19% South East Asian race, my gender is female
- Intelligence: 6.4, Risk: 4.0, Ambition: 9.1, Gay Factor: 0.5, Honor: 1.4, Promiscuity: 9.0.
- I feel that "Boss Types" are bullies, and that they have "no pity" for me. I feel that "Charmer Types" and "Gambler Types" are stuck up, but I "act fake around them" because I see them as "verbal abusers" and "barbaric." I tend to associate with lazy types who are "undriven and low." I "must know everything that is going on" in my social circle and "spend a lot of time talking to others to find out the latest gossip." People generally do not trust me and I have a habit of attacking people that "I feel think too highly of themselves." The style that I am most likely to adopt is "conservative/preppy" and my best choice of profession is "Sales Representative," "Aesthetician" or "Hair Stylist." I should not use drugs. My "celebrity match" is Jennifer Lopez.
But the question remains... which one of me is more likely to blow up a plane? Vive le difference!
(thanks to listener Joel who turned me onto this!)