What Really Happened...

...to Natalee Holloway?

How does someone just up and disappear?  Why can't they "tune up" murder suspects in Dutch territories?  How long can a European rich kid keep quiet?  These and other questions may plague us forever, but we can be pretty sure that it's unwise to get drunk in a foreign land and make out with a sadistic rich boy that you just met, however cute he may be.

I would like to see her returned to her family alive and unharmed, but with the passage of time, a positive outcome seems less and less likely.  Still, judging by the seemingly everlasting media coverage of the Holloway case (particularly by the always "compassionate" Fox News), one would think this were a global tragedy of tsunami proportions.  Get some perspective:  In the United States alone, more than one million people are reported missing each year; most of them do not have three Dutch F-16 warplanes with lasers and special cameras looking for them, either.

Chances are good that the Bad Thing has happened to young Natalee.
Running the acknowledged risk of extraordinarily bad taste, I offer these alternative possibilities:

-Shot by disappointed office seeker

-Harem girl at Brunei Palace

-Managing Aruba Denny's

-Drowned self, despondent over Terri Schiavo passing

-Drowned self, despondent over Jackson verdict

-Drowned self, despondent over choice in America's Top Model 2005

-Hiding from Michael Moore

-Stuck in The Matrix

-Victim in brutal cheerleader revenge scenario

-In hiding after being outed as government agent by Karl Rove

-Eaten by vacationing Karl Rove

-Used by Kalpoe brothers in "Weekend at Bernies"-type scenario

-Touched by Goldfinger

-"Hanging out" until fall TV lineup begins

-Detained at Guantanamo Bay indefinitely for being prettier than Bush daughters

-On extended seashell hunt

-Stuck helping the Professor make coconut radio

-Partying somewhere with Judd Nelson

-Proving she can stay lost longer than Runaway Bride

Feel free to add your own, but they have to be funny.

Comments

[Janey Yonkers]

She's doing a weekend overnight slot on WFMU

[steve_pmx]

Yeah its safe to say she's fucking dead. As soon as this started to get out of control w/ the Greta van Susteren 24/7 coverage months later - I officially labeled this bad case of overexposure a 'schiavo'. Generally, a 'schiavo' could mean any number of things. 'Hey that guy just cut me off! What a schiavo!' But in its purist form, a schiavo will suffice to describe any person whose been way overexposed by the media in lieu of more attractive, white suburban victims. The orgy of media coverage for the Schiavo case really annoyed the shit out of me - to the point where I had stopped feeling bad for her a long time ago, and eventually was just screaming "KILL HER!!" anytime she was on tv or someone was on tv talking about her. And good point about the fact that so many other people are missing or kidnapped in America - but do you really think the media would give a shit about some 19 year old mother of 2 living in the projects? doubt it. fucking schiavos.

[Buckeye Girl]

T-shirt hell has a brilliant shirt about this:

http://www.tshirthell.com/worsethanhell.shtml

But don't look at this site if you are at all offended by anything.

[WmMBerger]

Wow, that shirt is a riot -
Haven't looked at T-shirt Hell in a while—new heights of offensiveness have definitely been achieved!