I readily admit to have toyed with the idea of recording an instructional tape loop that would hypnotize my cat into starting up a pot of coffee in the morning... But some folks, presumably the ones who lurk in superstore pet emporia sporting sweatshirts screened with a photo of Mr. Snuggles all dolled up in tacky holiday-themed accessories, have come up with an internet radio station designed for pet owners to leave on for their furry friends as a substitute for human interaction during the workday.
It sounds like a good idea, right? Keep Rover's mischievous daytime habits at bay by distracting him with noise while you're at work... But as any good parent might ask, what kind of brainwashing methods will be used, and how effective are these protocols in clinical trials? Now, for the expose...
A few examples from CatDog Radio's playlist: Elvis "Hound Dog", Baha Men "Who Let the Dogs Out", Hall & Oates "Everytime You Go Away", Mariah Carey "Can't Let Go"... could you possibly select a better soundtrack for Snowball to chew through your cashmere and light your couch on fire? Rather than acting as a soothing sedative, these tunes are likely to crank up the aggro dial on any self-respecting animal, including humans. If a dog is capable of learning the names of 200 toys, he sure as hell knows when he's being fed offensive music.
Of course, WFMU provides plenty of high-quality pet-friendly programming, guaranteed to keep your companions in a happy trance. Rather than subjecting poor Fifi to the swill of late 80's, try some of our wiser alternatives:
- Pet-fronted bands: Hatebeak, Caninus, Dutch Singing Parrot (all real audio links)
- Ken's favorite parrot training record (real audio)
- Check out the Greasy Kid Stuff archives which are full o' tunes for kitties, doggies, and rodentia (all real audio links)
- MP3s of the entire Beatle Barkers album
- The fantastic Thai Elephant Orchestra (real audio)
- A clip from Phillip Kent Bimstein's album Garland Hirschi's Cows (real audio)
- The Jingle Cats perform "Little Drummer Boy" (real audio)
- Rats screeching from an excerpt of "Rat Relocation" by Matmos (real audio)
- Mader's "Loons" (real audio) should please the flying reptiles
- Sealy Dan "I Feel Good" (real audio)
- Chicken versions of "Psycho Killer" and "Mission: Impossible" (real audio)
- "White Cat Heat" by Godz (real audio)
- Or if foul-mouthed foul is more your speed, check out archives for the Dirty Duck's program
...and so on.
Thanks to volunteer Jared for the tip, and thanks to Ken for schooling my novice ass on the joys of animal and fake-animal recordings (according to the expert, songs that employ fake-animal sounds are far superior)!