The category is "Amanda's Best-But-Not-Happening Online Hookups of 2005." The winner is Phiggins813 (left), who was kind enough to send me a wink via one of the popular online matchmaking sites. Unfortunately, Phiggins does not live in my neighborhood, though he has lived in Chicago, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Mississippi, New Hampshire, Rhode Island and Massachusetts. His picture is in a motel, so I think he really means it when he says he likes to travel. He also loves nice restaurants, such as Ruby Tuesday's, Chili's, etc., and he is in the food-service business. Since he and I are not geographically compatible, I am re-gifting Phiggins to interested parties within 120 miles of Swansea, Massachusetts. Just remember to thank me when you make your wedding toast.
It's not too late to make holiday decorations out of tampons. How you get them up your hoohoo in January is your business.
A Christmas Story. Make that a Christmas photo story. Featuring one of Santa's elves, a lonely little homeless girl from Singapore, who visits a lonely little girly-boy in his bed on Christmas eve, and gets busy. We read it to the kids every year.
Attention shoppers! Buying + bitching = theconsumerist.com. Keeping a beady, greedy eye on deals, complaints, digital rights, evil, Amazon, and Walmart (not in that order).
He knows if you've been bad or good, because he's been a bad, bad Santa. Spanky bad.
Statistics say holiday office parties officially suck. 20% of Irish office partiers tell their bosses off during extended holiday happy hours. But they're Irish, so the other 80% don't remember the next day. To keep a lid on the nights of "photocopying one's bare buttocks" and "groping interns," experts suggest having your event at an art gallery in the afternoon. Preferably an art gallery without copiers or interns. If you must go, please review the metafilter guide to work (mis)behavior.
Reindeer sodomy. There, I said it.
Lend a hand. Wank for peace. Or if you've got a penis goiter, whip it out for peace, maybe. I can't quite make out what the sign says, plus there's that distracting penis goiter, but let's say it's for peace. [on viceland.com; scroll down for goiter guy]
Sexsomnia. That's how we do it here, people. G'night.