Sporadically, TWiS sends our beloved Month of the Month Club members a fresh assortment of seasonal Month of the Month items. These are the kind of things that PR people dream up to give your local 5 o'clock news something to wedge in between the weather and the skiing squirrels. For example, National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month means an easy 20-second piece on The Super Colon Tour. March is so jam packed with other Months, I'm amazed we can fit our fat asses into it. The highlights:
National Women's History Month. Book a historical chick in a pinafore for your next party. Find out about girl geeks in history, like how Hedy Lamarr invented the cell phone.
National Athletic Training Month. This year's motto is "Be Active: Stay Healthy." My motto is "Be Happy: Stay Seated."
National Kidney Month. Kidney disease makes your kidney look like a rotten tangerine.
National Talk with Your Kids about Sex Month. If you don't want to do it, just send me Junior's email address and I'll take care of it. I'm pretty good with this crap.
National Youth Art Month. I don't know what youth art is, but I'm guessing it includes cell phone self-portraits, found text-message poems, and performance art sulking.
National Frozen Food Month. Or as we are calling it here in New York right now, March. (Frozen food is people!)
National Bucket of Smut Month. Anyone who pledges $65 or more to WFMU online now, or by calling (800) 989-9368 from February 27 to March 12, and sends an email to amanda (at) wfmu (dot) org, mentioning the Bucket, gets in the running for a BIG LOAD OF SMUT. How easy is that?
National Endometriosis Awareness Month. Among the promotional tactics they suggest: "Adopt a Doctor!" I've been thinking about adopting a kid, but I can see the advantages of going with the doctor.
National Noodle Month. Noodle is a great word, so my hopes were high, but the Noodle Month site is a sad excuse for a Month site.
National Mental Retardation Awareness Month. I hang out at WFMU. I am aware.
National Caffeine Awareness Month. How exactly do you start a National Month of the Month? Set up a form letter to send to politicos, write fear-mongering press releases promoting your book, and watch the state of Nebraska fall like a Vice-Presidential duck hunting partner.