In Maury's restaurant, there are pickles. Pickles put people in harm's way, too. Especially when you are pickle-phobic and you go on Maury Povich's show. At first I thought Maury's guest Mariah was faking the whole pickles-are-destroying-my-life thing, but I got on her side when Maury sent her off to the Paterson Pickle factory to make her freak out, which she did, ending up quivering in a fetal position. Back in the studio, Maury grabbed her hand, said "Stop it! Stop shaking!," told her she had to confront her fears, and ambushed her with plates of pickles. It worked out really well. (And since about a half a million people have now seen this clip, I'm sure she won't be known as the Pickle Girl any more.)
Bigger not always better. Did you know spiders don't have penises? But they have some kind of mouth penis? And there's a kind of spider that has two massive mouth-penises? And it cuts off one with a piece of spidey silk? And did you know fish watch fish porn? And did you think I made that last one up? No, scientists made those fish do it, so unless you are part of an experiment, you can't use that excuse. In case you can't make sense of the science as well as I can, because I have a scientific mind, here's the gist:
The lesson is clear. If you live in an environment where you can afford to be slow and lazy, sexual selection can take over: the females will preferentially mate with the fish with the larger gonopodia [fish penis], driving up the average size over generations. If you have to be nimble and swift to stay alive, natural selection will cull out the males with oversized genitals.
I always thought video games were for dumbasses. But I like this video game where you shoot asses, and I'm pretty good at it, too. Yay me!
After the jump: Woman punching penis. NSFW.
Really soft porn. Hooked soft porn rugs. They're art, so they're safe for work.
3 D Kama Sutra. Again, art, so go for it.
Viagra ring. It's jewelry, so the coast is clear.
Hey, baby. A former handyman has won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a penile implant that gave him a 10-year erection.
Advertising sex or educating readers? A question I ask myself all the time, and now a question for the Russian courts.
PSA for condoms where everyone is happy that a guy puts a condom on an umbrella, which does not seem like safer sex at all.
Real live dolls are scary.
But clowns are scarier. And hanging around clowns is likely to make you pregnant, so maybe that umbrella guy should get to the circus. Or something. Like that. (I'm on a toxic mix of suda-tussin right now, sorry.)
Thanks to Ken, and Belinda and Hova for the photo of the chasey man and children.
Send intersmut and cough medicine to amanda at wfmu dot org.