Sometimes I get tired of treking through the skankiest bogs of the internet, scraping the smut off my flip-flops before I can come in the house. I think I've seen a few too many not-safe-for-work saliva and slurping and nose fetish videos. This Week in Sex is all dogs, and not the furry fetish dogging kind, but the feel-good kind you hear about at the end of the news with the water-skiing squirrels. Sit. Stay.
Hoppy, the most amazing dog with no front legs, learned to walk upright like a human and doesn't feel silly at all doing it. (I'm working at a computer with no sound, so I'm just guessing from the video that the dog's name is Hoppy. It could also be Stumpy.)
Cheekies, the rat terrier who just wants to go to the naked beach, is caught up in a federal lawsuit. His owner says Cheekies is a service dog who gives him comfort at the naked beach, and the owner needs to go to the naked beach for a skin condition he developed post 9-11. And since Cheekies is not wearing clothes to the naked beach, what's the big deal?
Ranger, the driving dog, accidentally ran over a woman in Utah by stepping on the gearshift. "No one's called me," the woman's husband compained. "No one's said, 'I'm sorry we did this.' Nothing." Dude, Ranger is a not-very-good-at-driving dog, not a telephoning-to-apologize dog. And if he could call, he would say, "It was an accident."
Bonnie, the "really lucky" dog, is so lucky she got shot in the middle of the forehead and left to die. How lucky is that?
Sam, the cyber-dog with a microchip implanted under his skin, helped 2 year-old Alexis find her way home. She had wandered out of the house before 7 a.m., and Sam tagged along. Cops scanned the dog, and returned both to the sleeping parents. "She's scary smart," her father said of Alexis. "She does her ABCs, and numbers and colors — half the stuff I wonder where she gets it." He added, "I'm gonna hafta put microchip in her, though — this thing with the police was a little too Cops at 7 a.m. I barely had my wifebeater on."
Curly, the barky Irish terrier, saved the life of 10 year-old Jean Stout when she had an asthma attack at her grandparent's house. Taking a page from the "little Billy's in the well" handbook, Curly wouldn't stop barking until Jean's parent's found her passed out in the bathtub. But Curly made the famous shout-out his own, barking "nyuk nyuk nyuk."
Duo, the abandoned dog with two noses, still needs a home. I think we can all identify with the statement of one of his rescuers, "Duo is not a freak, he's just unusual." Remember when Bronwyn told you about the dog with no nose? I think the dogs should move in together and share the extra nose.
Koni, Putin's dog, is being secretly fed too many treats by the press. Just because Putin is out kissing little boys like kittens doesn't mean he doesn't notice that "Sometimes, Koni leaves a room full of journalists with a very pleased expression on her face and biscuit crumbs around her mouth."
Pago, a German Shepherd who got bit by a police suspect, was choked and had his collar torn off in the brawl. Man and dog were both covered in blood when it was over, but the suspect was the only one who got Tasered.
Dogland. Is there anything more heartbreaking?
Bee dogs. I tell people not to do the dog-clothes thing, but nobody listens.
Snackshotz flying dog food launcher, for if you don't have a kid in the house.
Dog doormat art, for if you don't let dogs in the house. Muddle by Hannah Greely.
Thanks Ken and Trent and Shannon. Back to trawling for smut next week, I promise.