As you should know by now, the chocolate Virgin is not a sex act, but rather a wad of chocolate discovered by a factory worker who thinks it looks like the picture of Virgin Mary she carries. I think it looks like a parrot, but I don't work in a chocolate factory or carry a picture of a parrot or a virgin, so I'll defer to her. Call me an unbeliever, but I'm not seeing the Virgin Mary in the George-Foreman-grill-grease stain, though I do see the resemblance to George. The Virgin Mary turtle is totally adorable, so don't you dare dis it.
Mary's spawn is also in the news: The Jesus oyster was up for sale on eBay, so it has to be real. And it didn't meet the $335 reserve, so you can get it next time. The baby Jesus appeared in an ultra sound, which is great, because usually those things just look like a big grainy smoosh. Luckily, baby Jesus looks like the dad, so however it works out, it's all good. And God Himself is trying to tell us something, but as usual not particularly clearly: The "mystery tree" in Texas leaks "God's water."
And then there's the Golden Hand of Cheesuz. I drove by this thing a dozen times with Greasy Kids Stuff DJs Belinda, Hova and Wah Wah before finally getting out of the car to take a closer look. The look did not solve the mystery of why Jesus was hovering above us as a giant glob of cheesy goo. Finally I decided that Portland is just a small city that likes to put big things, preferably dairy products, like Jesus and milk cartons, up in the air. And I'm OK with that.