Are you a movie buff like I am? Has your heart become heavily-weighed with academic cultural theory, brainy reference points and disingenuous analysis? Do you suffer from cinematic irony implosion? Recently, when trying to find out about films I've wanted to rent, I've forgone the usual paganistic blogs, flesh-worshiping review sites, upside-down crucifix-wearing DVD listing books and also IMDB.com (which I've heard eats aborted human fetuses). I've clensed my palette, and opened my eyes to a whole new way of thinking when it comes to the art of film, while using the ChildCare Action Project: Christian Analysis of American Culture (CAP) movie review database. With it's highly detailed reviews of hundreds of titles, it's a refreshingly different look at every movie I've ever loved. The key? It filters every title through it's biblical-based value rating system and "society influence density" scoring chart while it theorizes, theorizes, theorizes away about how almost every movie is just plain wrong, wrong, wrong. It's all some of the most refreshing film criticism I've ever read...
In their review of A Clockwork Orange, they prevent you from allowing your six year-old to experience this explosive work - revealing it as a hypnotically graphic and far-too-colorful representation of everything leading to the damnation of mankind - backing most of their explanation up with biblical scripture. The CAP reviewers tend to go the Kenneth Starr-route when describing sexual subjects and situations, which langish in heavily-listed detail. In their review of the Kubrick classic, they scold "male glutei fissure nudity" and "homosexual touch with male hand to male gender-specific anatomy in underwear" as well as noting "thong male nudity, repeatedly," and finally concluding with my favorite line of all time; "murder by smashing head with vulgar sculpture piece for furtherance of theft."
In their review of Fight Club, which they dub "...a bizarre fantasy about the 'repressed self'" (quotation marks have never been so necessary), they claim "The central figure, a bored milquetoast business man, had a vision. He envisioned he was the street-wise tough guy who loved to fight. And then the street wise tough guy became real, at least for the milquetoast man..." and also "The *Fight Club* kind of influence emboldens tough guy wannabe's, those who are, and the embittered 'can't take it anymore' types to go for it..." then continuing later with; "In this complex and well organized and realistically choreographed story of brutal aggression, multiple paradoxes tend to suffocate the rational mind of the viewer, efficiently throwing at you almost everything that can reach into the basal man and draw it out in fury with wolf pack camaraderie, ready to strike at a moment's notice. Remember that the trapped wolf will attack the one who is trying to free it!"
But the lengthy reviews aren't even the meat of it. They conclude each film write-up with an acronymn-ed "category of offenses" chart, using math to show how most films are part of a campaign to destroy everything. The six categories on the chart are (W)anton violence/Crime, (I)mpudence/Hate, (S)ex/Homosexuality, (D)rugs/Alcohol, (O)ffense To God and (M)urder/Suicide (this spells W.I.S.D.O.M). These listed offenses are then numerically entered into the chart (see above).
For instance, Fight Club scores a whopping 100 points in the Drugs/Alcohol and Murder/Suicide categories, and a surprisingly low 20 points in the Sex/Homosexuality category. This is then kind of calculated along with the "the frequency of examples of ignominy per hour in each CAP Investigation Area" and then, somehow this is all calculated and a CAP final point score is given. Fight Club gets a 31 (is that high or low?), and a "CAP Influence Density" rating of 3.16 (but what does that mean?). It's all too complicated for me, but perhaps you'll have better luck getting through the entire explanation of how the scoring system works. Complex or not, CAP claims "...the CAP Entertainment Media Anlaysis Model has been proven to be reliable and consistent in projecting the correct Motion Picture of Association of America (MPAA) ratings. It is no longer necessary to relate the MPAA rating to CAP scoring."
But it's the lengthy reviews, strange plot summaries and excrutiatingly detailed category offense listings that durn-diddley-doo nearly steal the show every time. For instance, Fight Club gets one demerit point each in the Impudence/Hate category for "encouraging sadness" and "nihilism and glorification of it," as well as "impudence toward boss = 'enlightened'," "praying for car wreck," "belittlements," "punk music in startup background" and Helena Bonham Carter's "punk dress." Speaking of, Hollyweird seems to mean nothing to CAP, as actors and directors aren't even mentioned on many of the site's reviews - just the title and year of release.
Oh but this is all just the tip of the holy mountain. By all means baptize yourself in their very impressive list of titles, past and present (mostly present, actually) - each with long reviews and charts. Look up your favorite cinematic masterpiece, and read on for a refreshingly new spin on it. Your faith in film as a relevant art form will be saved!