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Greetings and good pig to one and all. Ed Shepp here, your personal Inspector 24-approved, Interwebs-ordained reverend sexpert, and I'd like to talk to you about the holiday that Love created: Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day is a wondrous occasion, recognized the world over, revered for centuries in all cultures and celebrated in countless ways, from bulimia parties to dwarf-eating contests. First observed by hippopotamus breeders in 1596 as a day to make pasta and arrange marriages, it has since spread throughout the universe, helped along by the consciousness-raising promotion of the edible underwear industry. In the present day, all the world looks to Valentine's Day as a symbol of love and hipponess.
But while Valentine's Day brings sweet drops of joy to many, it serves up cold pain pie to others. Because among its many delights there lies a hidden danger, one which can ruin the day (sometimes the life) of the person who isn't guarded against it. That danger is chlamydia.
How many Valentine's Days have been ruined by this unwelcome guest? How many times have you heard, "We were having a wonderful dinner, but when I went to freshen up, I noticed that I'd had chlamydia hanging from my nose the whole time!" or "I thought someone farted, but then I realized that I had chlamydia breath!" How many have fallen at the hands of this ruthless despoiler? In 2006, 874,263,192.4 cases of Chlamydia-Related Valentine's Day Traumatic Stress (CReVaDaTS) were reported in New York City alone. Without proper precautions, everyone is at risk for becoming one of these statistics.
Misconceptions about chlamydia abound. For one, many people
consider it a disease of the veneria (DoVe) -- this isn't entirely the
case. True, venereal disease can present as its main symptom, but
chlamydia is better described as a Generalized State of Dyswellitude
(GeSDy). It clings to you like subway stench and seeps into all areas
of your life, from your job to your veneria to your shoes. People who
have undergone treatment for the disease's bodily component without
curing the larger metaphysical infection may live for years in a state
of steadily declining health, never knowing why, until finally the
strawberry-flavored grip of death releases them from their earthly
torment. Another chlamydimyth is that the disease can be reasoned with
and, if presented a sound argument, it will vacate the body; in reality
this does not happen. Chlamydia is remarkably stubborn and resists all
attempts at persuasion. Once entrenched, it will not leave unless
removed by a vampire or treated with a grueling course of banana walnut
chocolate chip colonics. But by far the most damaging misconception
about chlamydia is that it is transmitted by Fate and that nothing can
be done do prevent it. This is nothing more than a lie tarted up in
truthy clothing. Prevention is not only possible, but easy. And it
can be fun, too! I'm going to show you now how you can protect
yourself from chlamydia this Valentine's Day by using a common
household item that is easy to acquire
and customize. Read on to discover how you can use...
Three plungers to a chlamydia-free Valentine's Day.
The plunger has long been a second-class citizen in the household tool community -- disdained, ignored and always a bridesmaid. Yet it's always sought after in when emergency rears her brown, corny head. The irony here is that the plunger has a multitude of uses than most people are even aware of: from cooking aid to perspicacious therapist. In my book, *Creating Your Dream Life with the Secret Power of Plungers*, I probe deep into the topic, providing you all the information you need (complete with colorful illustrations and easy-to-understand diagrams) to unleash the earth-shaking power of this humble household workhorse. Many don't know that plungers, when properly operated, can be used to: perform complex long division, help you shed pounds from your waist, assist in car repair, treat a sunburn, brew gourmet coffee, discover subterranean gold and water, communicate with the spirit world, motivate your employees, arbitrate small-claims disputes and unclog the crapper. All this and they help prevent chlamydia too!
Let's look in depth at the three plungers that you can use to protect yourself against chlamydia this Valentine's Day.
*The Papringer:* The first chlamydia-smashing plunger you'll need is one I call the Papringer, and it guards against an all-too-common cause of infection: novelty candy hearts. Novelty candy hearts are especially sinister because their combined sweet taste and flattering messages mesmerize their victims, weakening their immune systems. (Research into this effect has led to advances in espionage, psychotherapy and ginger ale.) The fruit of the tropical Gangrienne Papaye, the hearts naturally contain the essence of chlamydia in their egg-like center. In the past, candy processing destroyed the chlamydia, but recently hardier, more chlamydia-rich strains of the plant have emerged, and candy processing no longer eliminates the chlamydia in the finished hearts. And contrary to popular belief, newer hearts bearing unconventional messages like "TRIM UR BUSH" and "SUCK MY MOOBS" are every bit as chlamydia-infested as their more traditional counterparts.
So how do you defeat the hearts? Refusing them proves ineffective -- people often react to this by force-feeding them to you, or spraying aerosolized hearts in your face. To destroy their infectious power, you must kill the chlamydia within them. Luckily, you can accomplish this easily by calling on the power of the Papringer. Its effectiveness derives from basic chemistry. The molecular makeup of an experienced plunger can destroy candy heart chlamydia on contact, but only if you add one crucial ingredient to it: paprika. Paprika serves as an activator for the bio-organic volatile chomper compounds in the plunger, transforming it from pungent piece of wall art to chlamydia-munching machine.
To make the Papringer, obtain a heavily used plunger (if you don't
have one, you can often find them in filthy government buildings or
radio stations) and cover every inch of it with paprika. Let it sit
overnight in its paprika cocoon -- after 6-8 hours, it should
completely absorb the spice and become a bright, glowing orange. Now
it's ready for use. Wherever you see candy hearts, attack them with
the plunger. On contact, they too will turn a bright orange -- the
color means they're now chlamydia-free. The plunger can also vanquish
infection if you're fed or sprayed with the hearts -- simply apply the
plunger to the point of contact. You'll feel it eliminating the
chlamydia instantly (it feels kind of like a hair dryer). Armed with
the Papringer, you will prove invincible to candy heart chlamydia this
*The Oplungerator:* The second plunger that will shield you from the chlamydia's wormy invasion is the Oplungerator. The Oplungerator wipes out the second major source of February chlamydia: Valentine cards. Like an anime think tank, it utilizes the force of opposing energies to destroy chlamydia. Here's how: Plungers, by virtue of their shape and method of manufacture, emit a positronic vibration at a specific frequency. Valentine cards do the same, at an equal-but-opposite frequency. When the frequencies come in contact with each other, they react violently, and the weaker source of vibration disintegrates. Rock-paper-plunger enthusiasts know that the plunger is stronger than paper; so when its vibration meets that of a paper product (i.e., a card), the latter will disintegrate. To harness the power of the Oplungerator for yourself, obtain any ordinary plunger and touch Valentine cards with it -- like a Mexican condom, the cards will instantly shatter into a million billion pieces. *WARNING:* Valentine cards and Halloween cards emit a close but not identical frequency. A plunger will not cancel out the positronic vibration from a Halloween card; in fact, it will create a dangerous feedback loop, which will eventually result in a Hollywood-type explosion. Be sure to keep your plunger a safe distance from any freestanding Halloween cards.
*The Celunger:* The third plunger you need this Valentine's Day is the most indispensable, as it combats the most virulent and ubiquitous cause of Valentine's Day related chlamydia: Celine Dion. It is a well-known fact that Celine Dion's music increases the infectuosity of ambient chlamydia by approximately 311.343516088%, theoretically by dysregulating nitrogen balance in the air. On Valentine's Day, when atmospheric concentrations of both chlamydia and Celine Dion increase exponentially, the risk of burning pee is at its highest. The good news comes, again, from the plunger. Its unique shape causes a curvilinear particle-wave aura to form around it when from friction with air. This aura has been shown in studies to reverse atmospheric changes caused by Celine Dion when the plunger's handle has been filled with liquid nitrogen.
To create the Celunger, take a regular plunger, hollow out the
handle and fill it with liquid nitrogen. Then cap the handle so the
nitrogen doesn't flow back out. Use extreme caution with this step: if
you spill liquid nitrogen on your hand, it could freeze and shatter,
rendering hitchhiking extremely difficult. Once you've created your
Celunger, all you have to do is carry it on your person -- incorporate
it into your clothing for easy portability -- it makes a beautiful
addition to any wig or stripper bathing
suit. Whenever Celine Dion music plays in the vicinity, it will release nitrogen through the pores of the hollowed-out handle, enveloping you in a protective chlamydia-zapping cloud.
With these three plungers, you can safeguard yourself from the ravages of chlamydia this Valentine's Day. For more information on how plungers can improve your life on Valentine's Day and in the rest of the year, please visit the phony Ed Shepp Foundation for Plunger Research and Analysis (ESFoPluRe), or buy my fake book, *Uncovering the Secret Power of Plungers to Revolutionize Your Life* (USPoPluReYL).
Now go out there and plunge, plunge, plunge your way to a happy and chlamydia-free Valentine's Day!
PS: Got any 120bpm loops that you've been intending to use? Remix my theme song!