This Week in Sex: Be the Hit at School

Put on your hip waders, protective goggles, and rubber gloves, because you're about to get slammed with a Bucket of Smut. Last year we gave out a giant wad of dirty prizes -- all you had to do to get in the running was make the  DJ premium-level marathon pledge, which you were probably going to do anyway, and send me an email. Same deal this year. As soon as I announce the list of prizes, you can email me at amanda at wfmu dot org.

Pizza Virgin Custody Arrangement. The cafeteria worker who found the Pizza Virgin, the likeness of the Virgin Mary at the bottom of a baking sheet used to bake cookies, pizza and chicken nuggets, got it back. Co-workers were "miffed" that she got to keep the pan. The kitchen manager, Coralia Pacay, said she wanted the sheet returned. Later, Rodriguez decided she wanted it herself. Principal Lydia Guerrero eventually brokered a deal by which "Rodriguez could keep the pan but the PTA mothers will be allowed to display it this weekend."

No Nads. State Delegate LeRoy E. Myers Jr. says children shouldn't be exposed to giant plastic gonads dangling from pickup truck trailer hitches on Maryland roads. The bill also would ban depictions of naked human breasts, buttocks or genitals, with offenses punishable by fines of up to $500. But Pamela Campbell, whose Bullhead City, Ariz., business sells fake bull testicles, thinks that the swinging decorations can prompt healthy discussions about anatomy and reproduction. "Do we have to neuter all dogs that walk by us?" she asked. "Where does it stop?" I think we should neuter the dogs, but hang the giant fake testicles on them.

Day of the Dying Dolphin. A dolphin is dying of a broken heart after its beloved trainer was killed by her neighbour in a frenzied attack. Dolphin "Mary G" was rescued from the Adriatic Sea and nurtured back to full health by Tamara Monti at the Oltremare water park in Riccione, Italy. But the 37-year-old was stabbed to death at her flat by neighbour Alessandro Doto. He claimed he had been driven mad by the constant barking of Ms Monti's two dogs.

After the jump: arts and crafts and weiner fun.

Is your wiener in shape? And even if it is, I bet it's not in the shape of a penguin. But it could be!

"Among the foreign community, the Japanese are famous for their perfectly cut mini-wieners you find in so many lunches (bento boxes). What's the secret behind these ubiquitous morsels you ask? Why the Wiener Cutter of course! Now you too can have the most perfectly cut wieners on the block, and not only that, they'll be shaped like cute penguin!, complete with eyes and arms! Be the hit at school. Be the talk of the water cooler clique at work. Wonderfully wacky."

I like the penguin, but there's also the tulip and octopus options (warning: the octopus is particularly rough on the wiener).

Arts and crafts:

• Knit your own edible panties.
• Or a willie warmer.
• Or a (piano-playing?) womb.
• Or condom amulets to promote AIDS awareness among seniors.
• Oh hell, put your feet up, make your own Maxi-Pad slippers, and just read Rachel Kramer Bussel's article about naughty knitting.

Thanks to the young smutologists who sent stuff I didn't get to yet!

Comments

[hermitworks]

The webpage that has the condom cozies on it claims that "In New York City, where Naomi lives, approximately 27 percent of residents over 50 years old are infected with HIV." I think the statistic she was going for is 27% of all HIV cases in NYC are in people over 50, not 27% of the total population.

[kim]

"I think we should neuter the dogs, but hang the giant fake testicles on them."

the funniest thing i read all day. by far.

[naomi dagen bloom]

seven more condom amulet patterns at my new blog, www.knitacondomamulet.com--or go to A Little Red Hen and click on the blue condom!

Thanks for the mention.