The New English

There is an ethnic derivation of English mysteriously absent from the SIL International Ethnologue database: Schizophasia.  Mysterious because it is no longer only spoken by "Schizophrenics".  We have, among others, Paula Abdul and Shirley Phelps-Roper upon whom to heap eternal gratitude for that.  Each, upon returning from her own (ahem) "inward sabbatical", had been rigorously taught this hitherto non-indigenous language (by Walter Skinner, of course) and now wish to indoctrinate us in hopes of fostering deeper rapport and understanding between mainstream schizophrenics and the rest of us--who will become schizophrenics very soon if January 20th of next year doesn't hurry the fuck up and get here.

So, until the SIL International Ethnologue database at long last recognizes the legitimacy of Schizophasia as English's triumphant replacement, you can study up on common Schizophasic phrases for "Don't eat the chicken" or "Has anybody ever told you you look just like Amanda Plummer in "Freeway""? by these other native speakers:

Gerald (Pts. 1 & 2) / Heather / The real James Bond / Henry Wallace, artist (Pts. 1 & 2) / Unknown

Here are two speakers of a sub-IAL dialect first discovered in the 70's called Disassociative Pidgin English (formerly known by the peculiar designations "Multiple Personality Disorder" and "Disassociative Identity Disorder"):

Jaid / Some woman who calls herself "RainbowsBubble"

Comments

[bryce]

yeah, jesus....youtube's really becoming a singular resource for this stuff. tho it's basically even more heartbreaking to witness the idiopathic fucktardery of commenters than the vids themselves, if you can blot that shit out of your awareness, it's truly astonishing to be able to actually see, like, wernicke's aphasia as soon as you can type it in. just incredible.

[joe nathan]

Some of the commentors were VERY inappropriate and uncouth with their comments, absolutely. There was totally no need for one or two of them especially on the Heather, James Bond and DID videos. Even I (as open-minded as I usually pride myself on being) have often fought with the validity of DID but nothing even remotely in scope like the really juvenile commentors. MOST of the comments were actually fairly substantive--or, if written by teens or younger adults, at least civil--but, yeah, a few of them stepped a little too far over the line of common decency.