Unbelievable Believers: Christian Song Demos

A few weeks ago, the always reliable Music For Maniacs posted a few tracks of demos from hopeful Christian artists. After the "Safe Sex Is Just a Fantasy Rap" quickly shot up to the top of my current favorites list, I decided to delve a little further and so headed over to the site where they were originally found, Those Unbelievable Believers: The Blessed Sounds of Incredible Christian Song Demos.

Within this site lay a treasure trove of religious amateur recordings (or B.S. - blessed sounds), from earnest country croonings, to Eagles songs reinterpreted, to professors proclaiming their faith, to kiddie Jesus raps, to some absolutely completely insane ramblings. All of these were lovingly compiled with hilariously sacrilegious commentary by one "Doc" (aka Deuce of Clubs). As an example of what to expect, here is Doc's handy chart of gospel demo song structure:

A) Beginning
    B) Middle
    B) Some more middle
        C) Conclusion
A) And . . . back to the beginning
    B) Middle, middle, middle
    B) More middle until you almost can't believe it, then:
        C) Conclusion . . . or:
    B) More middle—it gets hard to tell
    B) Definitely more middle stuff here, finally shading to either
A) A New Beginning . . . or:
        C) [Missing conclusion].

Follow the jump for 22 tracks of Christian demo madness!

Each track below is followed by a taste of the commentary on the Unbelievable Believers site. Since these come from mostly unlabeled demo recordings, there are no details on who these artists are. However, I did quote a bit of Doc's comments on each, and follow the blurb links for the full commentary and lyrics for each song.

Treasures in Heaven
"Judy has to be the name-checkingest crazy gospel singer since Larry Norman. Unlike Larry Norman, however, Judy mostly drops names of celebrities she has met only in her dreams, or by proxy, in the form of non-celebrities who Very Portentously have the same names as celebrities."(Full blurb)

Hot Summer Nights
"I can't imagine what a hermaphrodite performer thought a churchy record label was supposed to do with a song about 'hot summer nights' full of 'passion in paradise.' "(Full blurb)

That's Peculiar!
"This singer boldly tells us right in the song who she is: 'I'm a music professor at MSMC.' " (Full blurb)

I Am A Man; What Does That Mean?
"Most of the wrestling in this song takes place among the singer's various whiny overdubbed efforts at harmony." (Full blurb)

Jesus Is About to "Rap" This Up
"Big A gets big ups for workin' a sophisticated triple entendre involving the idiom wrap it up, in a rap music style, in a song about the RAPture." (Full blurb)

Oh, Lord
"Humility is Job One with this composer: for his deeply felt spiritual song he wants only one million dollars." (Full blurb)

O Nightingale
"Octave-hopping yelps suggest that [this singer] might be a blood relation of Yma Sumac." (Full blurb)

Awr Gawd Izz An Awrsum Gawd
"An interpretation of an uber-popular Contemporary Christian Music anthem by a young, energetic drummer who also sings." (Full blurb)

We Are the Champions (of God)
"This xtian prog-rocker would have been better off discarding his Queen records - and better still if he had also discarded the Dominion theology that provoked him to write a hymn of Dominion that inadvertently backhands Dominion Prog-Rock Xtians with the exultation, "we are the losers . . . in our heads we're healed.""(Full blurb - including some hilarious asides)

His Eye Is on the Sparrow
"I strongly believe we can reach ecumenical agreement on it not being a good idea to think you're the next Mahalia Jackson if you sound like the next Lucia Pamela." (Full blurb)

Christ in Me Is To Live
"If you get only one song stuck in your head today, make it this one: Kill me, kill me, kill me..." (Full blurb)

Chock Full of Love
"This song is chock full of something, all right, and I'm pretty sure it's Madonna." (Full blurb)

Satan, You Lost, Lost, Lost
"It wouldn't surprise me if he was once one of those chanting Elizabeth Clare Prophet disciples and decided he wanted to be reincarnated as Roy Orbison instead." (Full blurb)

Soul Saved Tonight
"I'm awaiting the formation of a new church that will stop fighting Satan so that appropriate attention can be turned to fighting another Eagles reunion." (Full blurb)

Amazing Grace
"[The singer is] not afraid to freestyle the classics or just plain not bother to learn the words." (Full blurb)

We Want to Fish for Men
"The hands-down winner in the Gospel New Wave Pirate Chanty category." (Full blurb)

God, Give the Devil the Measles
"Another of those songs where some wise-ass xtian makes like a bratty little brother hiding behind the davenport with a peashooter, plinking at his sister's giant red evil prom date." (Full blurb)

Holy Jerusalem
"You'll wish they still had those home organ shops in the malls, with the cheesy organ salesmen playing pop tunes to bouncy rhythmic accompaniment." (Full blurb)

Come Back, America!
"Equals the earnestness of the most horrible Billy Joel song you can think of." (Full blurb)

The Safe Sex Is Just a Fantasy Rap
"The clear winner of some church council's 'How Comically Ridiculously Graphic Can You Be?' contest." (Full blurb)

Want More of a Tangy Yangy Yang
"Holy twang, listen to this guy. He is my new Twang hero." (Full blurb)

Thank You, God
"Strangely similar to the music of the Danielson Famile... If the Danielsons became chanting Tibetan monks... Profoundly tone-deaf Tibetan monks." (Full blurb)

Many thanks to Deuce of Clubs for allowing us to repost these. Besides collecting B.S., Doc is also working on an intriguing remix project involving a phone recoding in which 'I SHIT MY PANTS!' is loudly shouted (submissions welcome), and is the original chronicler of the mysteries of the Mojave Phone Booth (a MPB inspired CD is in the works, if you'd like to contribute).

Though based in Arizona, Doc is a long-time WFMU fan as well, and when I wrote him to repost some tracks he shared this anecdote: "I enjoy spreading the good news and confusion here by wearing my "investigate fish farm" shirt and WFMU cap. I was wearing the latter on the day i had to explain RTFM to my baptist ma. Shocked, she looked at my cap and said, "Then i definitely don't want to know what WFMU stands for!""

Comments

[Louisville Dan]

I love this, thank you!

[The Pube]

Woo HOO, WHOOO HOOOO !
For the first time EVER I was one step ahead of WFMU.
Excuse my gloating.
I am celebrating by running around naked and singing "We want to fish for men" whilst thrashing myself with nettles.
As usual.

[Joe]

Begs the question: if God is good and loves us, why does He allow music like this to be made?

[obvious]

On that poster of sins - what is "shacking"? Do they mean living with someone out of wedlock? I hate to think there's a sin I don't know about.

[Johnny Gentle]

This is the best shit ever.

[Pinball King]

In answer to the question "Why does the devil get all the good music?", I don't know, but this is further proof.

[Chris (in Columbus)]

I cannot stop listening to this page. HILARIOUS. Thank you!

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