Is this a Coen Brothers film?
Dear Coens, here is my pitch for your next film:
A young cheerleader from North Carolina moves to Wyoming where she wins the state beauty pageant. Then she enrolls in graduate school at Brigham Young University where she becomes obsessed with Wayne Osmond (the second oldest Osmond). Wayne rejects her, but happiness is around the corner because she meets and falls in love with a 19-year-old Mormon classmate. They have a lot of sex. Alas, the Mormon is shamed by their sex-before-marriage and runs away to do missionary work. He leaves no forwarding address.
Our heroine then hires a pair of kooky private detectives who track the Mormon to London. She heads to the U.K., and with the help of a dim-witted accomplice, drugs the Mormon with Chloroform, kidnaps him, and scurries him away to a secluded farmhouse. There she ties the Mormon to a bed with furry handcuffs, and uses scriptures to beg him to marry her. When that doesn't work, she tries lots of sex. But the Mormon escapes, and when the police track down our heroine, she declares innocence, claiming that the Mormon could only orgasm while tied up. She sounds completely nutty in court - "I loved him so much that I would have skied down Mount Everest in the nude with a carnation up my nose if he asked me to." - but has a Southern Belle style that makes the media go crazy for her.
Just before the formal trial, our heroine jumps bail and escapes to Canada with her accomplice. They are disguised as a pair of deaf-mute "mime artists". She then hides out in Atlanta for a time disguised as a nun and she starts to pose nude for pin-up magazines.
Returning to Utah several years later, our heroine tries to kidnap the Mormon but fails. She has to jump bail again and flee the state.
Retiring to her home town, our heroine lives a quiet life raising Pit Bulls and freaking out the neighbors with outbursts and random threats. She's fallen into ill health and uses one of the dogs to pull her around in her wheelchair (back story: she liberated him from doggy death row after he attacked a pair of joggers). One day a strange dog attacks her and almost bites off her arm, but her prized Pit Bull Booger fights him off. Not long afterwards, Booger dies. Devastated, our heroine keeps one of his ears. Two years later, she uses her life savings and pays Korean scientists $53K to clone her dog. They give her a discounted rate because he was a hero. (Or was he?)
Our heroine proudly publicizes the story of Booger and her puppy clones, but is almost instantly recognized for her past indiscretions (using an alias that is merely her middle name was perhaps unwise). At first, she threatens a $10M libel suit on anyone who claims she is the same woman of sex scandal fame, but a day later she admits that it is indeed her. In regards to the Mormon, she still sounds nutty: "All I really wanted to do was see his blond little babies running around my home."
Yes, this pitch is actually the true story of Joyce Bernann McKinney. So many twists and turns, it's no wonder the tabloids can't control themselves. The movie version is going to be fantastic. Any casting ideas?
News reports: Background story, denial, admission. And don't miss the classic pulp trash book: Joyce McKinney and the Manacled Mormon.
Laura Bush?
Posted by: dm | August 10, 2008 at 01:46 PM
I saw this the other day and I was instantly fascinated. Almost as great as the DB Cooper mystery.
She has such a weird diabolical chesire cat smile on such an innocent face...but in the recent photo with her pitbull she looks just monstrous.
Posted by: fatty jubbo | August 10, 2008 at 02:38 PM
Wow...you don't say! Truth is stranger then fiction, right?
Posted by: motordog | August 10, 2008 at 03:51 PM
I vote for Amy Sedaris.
Posted by: Jeff Gee | August 10, 2008 at 08:04 PM
Shelly Long.
Posted by: illlich | August 11, 2008 at 01:24 PM
Sean Young. (too close to home?)
Posted by: sid bators | August 11, 2008 at 02:32 PM
Amy Sedaris!
Posted by: Norm | August 11, 2008 at 06:31 PM
ok, I'll say it - Winona Ryder.
Posted by: | August 11, 2008 at 11:20 PM
Christina Ricci or Drew Barrymore.
I remember this case, the British tabloids went crazy for the story having them (her and her accomplice) dress up as nuns for one photo session for the Daily Mirror .
Found this on ebay though
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Joyce-McKinney-and-the-Manacled-Mormom,-1978_W0QQitemZ200244953744QQcmdZViewItem?IMSfp=TL0808081249a19230
Posted by: Colin The Culture Hunter | August 12, 2008 at 03:03 AM
Amy Sedaris, no question
Posted by: Elisabeth | August 12, 2008 at 08:30 AM
Sedaris? pfft. Streep.
Posted by: Hell's Donut House | August 13, 2008 at 03:51 PM
and now! wanted in tennessee on a 2005 burglary charge!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080815/ap_on_re_us/cloned_dogs_tennessee
Her attorney said, "There was a strong aroma about her, and I told her this needed to be taken care of before I went to court with her."
Posted by: fatty jubbo | August 14, 2008 at 10:34 PM