It's All In the Title

I remember when I was a kid and I would get very excited during the opening credits to Barnaby Jones, especially when William Conrad's booming voice would tell me that I was about to witness a story titled, for instance, "Sing A Song of Murder". That kind of expressively weird television episode title was often more exciting than the show itself, because my mind would be sent careening into all sorts of implied narratives.

In that spirit, a game I often play with my friends is "Television Titles", where we sit around with a few drinks and try to make up titles for new scripts to classic mystery/cop/adventure television shows. Try it next time you have a few drinks. My favorite of recent memory: "Rudolph the Red Nosed Ripper", our imaginary McCloud episode.

But however ridiculous the titles you invent, they really can't top the real thing. Of course, not all episode titles are equal. Some titles carry the overall tone of the show: from simple and serious (Law and Order, Matlock) to winkingly ironic (Moonlighting, The Rockford Files). Others are based on an overall title concept that can be surprisingly clever (Jake and the Fatman's use of classic song titles) or painfully tired (does every single episode of Remington Steele really need Steele in the title?). And you can't blame some shows for not even trying (it's hard to be inspired when you're writing scripts for Riptide). But those titles that manage to somehow fall right in that zone of funny and awesome and ridiculous and spot-on-perfect for the show they represent... these are the titles that make dreams, my friends.

Here's a quick game that breaks the ice at parties: match the show at left to the episode it corresponds to at right. I don't have the html skills to make this fancy and add scores or anything, but just enjoy the guessing. After the jump, you'll find the answers, more episode titles from each series, and clips of the opening credits. Hopefully, these will inspire you in the creation of your own titles. 

21 JUMP STREET THE A-TEAM AIRWOLF BARNABY JONES BJ AND THE BEAR CHiPs DIAGNOSIS MURDER THE DUKES OF HAZARD THE FALL GUY HARDCASTLE AND MCCORMICK HART TO HART HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN KNIGHT RIDER KOJAK MAGNUM P.I. MIAMI VICE MURDER SHE WROTE QUINCY M.E. SIMON AND SIMON THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN STARSKY AND HUTCH VEGA$ WONDER WOMAN

Amazon Hot Wax Beach Blanket Bounty Bite of the Jackal By Hooker By Crook Corned Beef & Carnage The Day the Gambling Stopped Days Of Shine And Roses Diplomas For Sale Discomania From Moscow To Maui Go Cart Terror The Latest In High Fashion Murder Marker to a Dead Bookie Mobile Home of the Brave Murder In The Key Of C Murder Murder Never Give a Trucker an Even Break One Fresh Batch of Lemonade Really Neat Cars       And Guys With A Sense Of Humor Say it With Bullets The Secret of Bigfoot Tissue of Truth Trust Doesn't Rust

NOTE: The lists of titles below don't necessarily represent the best episodes of each series - just the most inspired, exciting, or just plain weird episode titles. Quiz answers are the first titles listed under each series.

21 JUMP STREET

• Diplomas For Sale
• In The Custody Of A Clown
• Don't Stretch The Rainbow
• How Much Is That Body In The Window?
• A Big Disease With A Little Name
• The Dragon And The Angel
• Blinded By The Thousand Points Of Light
• Research And Destroy
• How I Saved The Senator
• Everyday Is Christmas
• Just Say No! High
• Bad Day At Eagle Rock

THE A-TEAM

• Say it With Bullets
• Mexican Slayride
• Black Day at Bad Rock
• The Rabbit Who Ate Las Vegas
• The Beast From the Belly of a Boeing
• Recipe For Heavy Bread
• Chopping Spree
• Bullets and Bikinis
• Waste 'Em!
• Beverly Hills Assault
• A Lease With an Option to Die
• Blood, Sweat, and Cheers
• The Say U.N.C.L.E. Affair
• The Crystal Skull
• The Spy Who Mugged Me

AIRWOLF

• Bite of the Jackal
• Daddy's Gone a Hunt'n
• Proof Through the Night
• Fight Like a Dove
• Mad Over Miami
• Sweet Britches
• Flight #093 Is Missing
• Inn at the End of the Road
• Severance Pay
• Short Walk to Freedom
• The Horn of Plenty
• Annie Oakley
• Half-Pint
• Day of Jeopardy
• Desperate Monday
• Break-In at Santa Paula

BARNABY JONES

• Murder In The Key Of C
• Perchance To Kill
• See Some Evil...Do Some Evil
• Divorce - Murderer's Style
• The Black Art Of Dying
• A Gold Record For Murder
• Rendezvous with Terror
• Dark Homecoming
• Death On Deposit
• Fantasy Of Fear
• Jeopardy For Two
• Honeymoon With Death
• Deadline For Dying
• The Devil's Handmaiden
• Terror On A Quiet Afternoon
• Hitch-Hike To Terror
• Nest Of Scorpions
• Indoctrination In Evil

BJ AND THE BEAR
Trucking and driving alusions ("Gasohol") represent the kind of titles that were common in the first two seasons, but near the end of season two the titles started getting, well, dirty. And not just because B.J. means blow job.

• Never Give a Trucker an Even Break
• Bear Bondage
• The Girls of Hollywood High
• B.J. and the Seven Lady Truckers
• Intercepted Pass
• Down and Dirty
• Beauties and the Beasts
• The Blonde in a Gilded Cage
• For Adults Only
• A Bear in the Hand
• Seven Lady Captives
• Detective Finger, I Presume?

CHiPs

• Go Cart Terror
• Moving Violation
• Green Thumb Burglar
• Highway Robbery
• Hitch-Hiking Hitch
• Trick or Trick
• Supercycle / The Return of the Supercycle
• Repo Man
• CHP BMX
• Roller Disco - Part 1 & 2
• Valley Go Home!
• Tow Truck Lady
• The Strippers
• Dynamite Alley
• Satan's Angels
• Forty Tons of Trouble
• The Hawk and the Hunter
• Weed Wars
• The Spaceman Made Me Do It
• Return of the Brat Patrol

DIAGNOSIS MURDER

• Murder Murder
• All-American Murder
• Misdiagnosis Murder
• Living On The Streets Can Be Murder
• Mind Over Murder
• Murder Can Be Contagious
• X Marks The Murder
• Murder By The Busload
• Murder, Country Style
• Delusions Of Murder
• Write, She Murdered
• Murder At Midterm
• Murder By Remote

DUKES OF HAZARD
Many of the best titles involve the characters, town, or guest stars.

• Days Of Shine And Roses
• Officer Daisy
• Find Loretta Lynn
• Mrs. Rosco P. Coltrane
• The Hazzardville Horror
• Duke vs. Duke
• The Great Hazzard Hijack
• Trouble At Cooter's
• Cletus Falls In Love
• The Sound Of Music, Hazzard Style
• Pin The Tail On The Dukes
• The Hazzardgate Tape
• Too Many Roscos
• Welcome, Waylon Jennings
• Robot P. Coltrane
• When You Wish Upon A Hogg

THE FALL GUY

• Beach Blanket Bounty
• The Meek Shall Inherit Rhonda
• That's Right, We're Bad
• Soldiers Of Misfortune
• Ready, Aim, Die
• How Do I Kill Thee? Let Me Count The Ways
• Win One For The Gipper?
• Nashville Pirates
• Hollywood Shorties
• Bite Of The Wasp
• October The Thirty Second

HARDCASTLE AND MCCORMICK
While it should be the title of the whole series, "Really Neat Cars And Guys With A Sense Of Humor" is merely the the title of an episode, and not even the first one.

• Really Neat Cars And Guys With A Sense Of Humor
• Third Down And Twenty Years To Life
• Ties My Father Sold Me
• Whatever Happened To Guts
• It Coulda Been Worse...She Coulda Been A Welder
• Pennies From a Dead Man's Eyes
• She May Not Be Deep, But She Sure Is Fast
• Mirage A Trois
• Brother Can You Spare A Crime

HART TO HART
Around season 3, the titles mostly became Hart gags, none of which are as funny as Murder gags. Well, maybe "On A Bed Of Harts". Ewwww.

• The Latest In High Fashion Murder
• You Made Me Kill You
• Murder Between Friends
• With This Gun, I Thee Wed
• Too Many Cooks Are Murder
• Death In The Slow Lane
• Murder, Murder On The Wall
• Tis The Season To Be Murdered

HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN
Sorry, I couldn't resist including this show on the list, because the titles are just so ookily cheesy, and a nice contrast to all the murder and mayhem. Besides, it is also fun to make up your own titles for this show (my favorite made-up one: The Trouble with Satan). 

• One Fresh Batch of Lemonade
• Catch a Falling Star
• Help Wanted: Angel
• An Investment in Caring
• Popcorn, Peanuts and CrackerJacks
• The Smile in the Third Row
• Close Encounters of the Heavenly Kind
• Love at Second Sight
• I Was a Middle Aged Werewolf
• Why Punish the Children?
• A Dream of Wild Horses

KNIGHT RIDER
The show used a ton of "Knight" and K.I.T.T. gags in the titles, of course.

• Trust Doesn't Rust
• A Knight In Shining Armor
• Knight Moves
• Knight & Knerd
• Knight Of A Thousand Devils
• Knights Of The Fast Lane
• Silent Knight Rider
  
• K.I.T.T. The Cat
• Custom K.I.T.T.
• K.I.T.T. vs. K.A.R.R.

KOJAK

• Marker to a Dead Bookie
• One for the Morgue
• Cop in a Cage
• Death is Not a Passing Grade
• Deliver Us Some Evil
• Therapy in Dynamite
• Hush Now, or You'll Die
• Wall Street Gunslinger
• You Can't Tell a Hurt Man How to Holler
• Close Cover Before Killing
• Secret Snow, Deadly Snow
• Life, Liberation, and the Pursuit of Death
• A House of Prayer, a Den of Thieves
• Bad Dude
• When You Hear the Beep, Drop Dead
• May the Horse Be With You

MAGNUM P.I.

• From Moscow To Maui
• Don't Eat The Snow In Hawaii
• The Curse Of The King Kamehameha Club
• Beauty Knows No Pain
• The Taking Of Dick McWilliams
• The Arrow That Is Not Aimed
• Operation: Silent Night
• The Case Of The Red-Faced Thespian
• Holmes Is Where The Heart Is
• The Love-For-Sale Boat
• A Pretty Good Dancing Chicken
• Way Of The Stalking Horse
• Who Is Don Luis Higgins and Why Is He Doing These Terrible Things To Me?

MIAMI VICE
Thank goodness the show didn't actually co-star Glenn Frey. Ugh.

• By Hooker By Crook
• Smuggler's Blues
• Out Where The Buses Don't Run
• The Dutch Oven
• Tale Of The Goat
• Trust Fund Pirates
• Better Living Through Chemistry
• Viking Bikers From Hell
• Amen ... Send Money
• Rising Sun Of Death
• The Cows Of October
• Baseballs Of Death
• A Bullet For Crockett
• Fruit Of The Poison Tree

MURDER SHE WROTE
Pretty much every title from Murder She Wrote makes me laugh. I wish the show could live up to the titles.

• Corned Beef & Carnage
• Hooray For Homicide
• We're Off To Kill The Wizard
• Tough Guys Don't Die
• Murder Takes The Bus
• Coal Miner's Slaughter
• Sing A Song Of Murder
• Keep The Home Fries Burning
• One Good Bid Deserves A Murder
• Who Threw The Barbitals In Mrs. Fletcher's Chowder?
• From Russia...With Blood
• The Great Twain Robbery
• Sugar & Spice, Malice & Vice
• Murder A la Mode

QUINCY M.E.

• Tissue of Truth
• Hot Ice, Cold Hearts
• The Thigh Bone's Connected to the Knee Bone
• The Hot Dog Murder
• A Blow to the Head ... a Blow to the Heart
• Next Stop Nowhere (aka, the punk rock episode)
• Semper-Fidelis
• Murder by S.O.P.
• Baby Rattlesnakes
• Dying for a Drink
• Sword of Honor, Blade of Death
• Guns Don't Die
• Dear Mummy

SIMON AND SIMON

• Mobile Home of the Brave
• Ashes to Ashes, and None Too Soon
• The Uncivil Servant
• The Ten Thousand Dollar Deductible
• Fowl Play
• What's in a Gnome?
• The Skeleton Who Came Out of the Closet
• D.J., D.O.A
• The Mickey Mouse Mob
• A Little Wine with Murder?
• Yes, Virginia, There is a Liberace
• Enchilada Express
• Reunion at Alcatraz
• Forever Hold Your Piece
• Baja, Humbug

SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN
Couldn't resist using the bigfoot title in the quiz, because it is a classic concept, episode, and title. Though I must say that I am a bit more partial to "H+2+O=Death".

• The Secret of Bigfoot
• Survival Of The Fittest
• Day Of The Robot
• Little Orphan Airplane
• Doomsday, And Counting
• The Last Of The Fourth Of Julys
• The Seven Million Dollar Man
• The Peeping Blonde
• The Song And Dance Spy
• One Of Our Running Backs Is Missing
• H+2+O=Death
• Death Probe/Return Of Death Probe
• Date With Danger

STARSKY AND HUTCH
On YouTube there is a whole cult of people making music videos about Starsky and Hutch. Who knew?

• Discomania
• Savage Sunday
• Captain Dobey ... You're Dead
• The Omaha Tiger
• The Psychic
• Huggy Bear And The Turkey
• Murder On Voodoo Island
• Satan's Witches
• Foxy Lady
• Quadromania
• Dandruff
• The Groupie
• Ninety Pounds of Trouble
• Starsky vs. Hutch

VEGA$
This clip is not from the show Vega$, but from the Charlie's Angels episode "Angels in Vegas", which first introduced Urich's new TV character Dan Tanna to the viewing audience.

• The Day the Gambling Stopped
• Serve, Volley and Kill
• Yours Truly, Jack the Ripper
• The Usurper
• The Macho Murders
• The Magic Sister Slayings
• Aloha, You're Dead
• Nightmare in the Sun

WONDER WOMAN

• Amazon Hot Wax
• Fausta, The Nazi Wonder Woman
• The Feminum Mystique
• Last Of The $2 Bills
• Judgement From Outer Space
• The Man Who Made Volcanoes
• Mind Stealers From Outer Space
• Screaming Javelin
• One Of Our Teen Idols Is Missing
• Disco Devil
• Skateboard Whiz
• The Deadly Dolphin
• The Starships Are Coming
• Phantom Of The Roller Coaster

Comments

[Steve]

What's also good is the "alternate titles" for video and tv you can find on IMDB.

[Seb]

What, no "Columbo"?!

[ptbartman]

I rented a DVD at my local Video store "BJ and the Bear: Bear Bondage" and, well, lets just say Greg Evigan wasn't in it and "The Bear" wasnt a monkey.

[cynthia]

I always got a kick out of this odd couple ep title: "Bunny is Missing Down by the Lake" Of course a parody/homage of the title "Bunny Lake is Missing" a film that is SO not odd couplesque!

[Alex]

Of course, The Venture Bros. does a pretty good job of keeping this fine tradition going: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0417373/episodes

[queen ethel]

Best entry ever. I need to play this game you speak of ...

[Dale Hazelton]

I loved hearing that big booming "A Quinn Martin Production" and how they played each segment as Act I, II, III, and Epilogue.

That picture of Lee Merriwether reminds me of how hot I though she was. How did Jack Klugman get that young topless chick on his boat anyway?

[Jim]

I am such an old school TV nerd, I actually knew most of these, and guessed correctly on all the rest. I need to take a nap.

[RagnarR in SF Bay]

Wow, "Viking Bikers from Hell" also features a Spanish singing love baby of Neil Hamburger and Robert Crumb.

[Exurban Jon]

Although a different genre, my favorite titles come from the Twilight Zone

- The 7th is Made Up of Phantoms
- Five Characters in Search of an Exit
- Hocus-Pocus and Frisby
- The Sixteen-Millimeter Shrine

When I'm a rich rock star, all my album titles will come from TZ episodes.

[Producer Bill]

Personally, I love that the TV Guide cover has the following on it:
-- a price of 40 cents
-- the headline "You'll Have A Library In Your TV Set" ... love the datedness considering I technically have a library in the space of a looseleaf notebook (my laptop could store many, many books), and now you can have an entire MOVIE library in your TV with Apple TV and iTunes, or the Netflix box.

[James]

Hi

I just found a classic on IMDB

"Kung Fu" - A Small Beheading (1974)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0623146/