Damned Good Eatin'

A few weeks ago, back before the Giants’ ignominious collapse, I won a football bet.  The Iowa Hawkeyes were playing the South Carolina Gamecocks in something called the “Outback Bowl.” I grew up in Iowa, and claim to be an Iowan when it suits my purposes, so even though I knew nothing about the match-up, or either team, I challenged my pal in Columbia, South Carolina, to bet on the game.

I wanted to bet typical regional food, which was easy for my friend because South Carolina has lots of delicious things to eat, but it was hard for me because, first, I’m not in Iowa, I’m in New York, and second, because Iowa food is pretty terrible. Or it was when I was growing up there. Maybe by now they’ve figured out some way to get ahold of fresh vegetables, or fish, or something. Or maybe not everyone cooks like my Grammy C., with her giant vats of boiled beef, boiled boiled boiled until it was a grey, stringy mass in a thin and tasteless broth. Don’t forget the gummy noodles! It does seem odd that Iowa has no indigenous barbecue, since it is God’s little pigpen on earth, the pork producing capital of our fine land, producing more than 25% of all American pork. And then what do we do with it? I dunno. Boil it, I guess.

But in other states, they barbecue it. They smoke it, baste it, sweet, hot, or vinegary—barbecue is one of my favorite things. And by virtue of winning my bet (Iowa 31--South Carolina 10), I was privileged to eat THE BEST BARBECUE I HAVE EVER TASTED. I have eaten vinegar-based so-called “Carolina” barbecue up here in New York a few times, and it is pretty good (and probably what I had wasn’t even the real deal), but apparently that is North Carolina style. South Carolina barbecue is based on a mustard sauce, and now I can tell you that it is scrumptious, BBQalicious, and superb.

 My South Carolina friend sent me three pounds of Maurice’s Gourmet Barbecue and a bottle of Maurice’s Southern Gold BBQ Sauce Original Flavor, the one that says “HONOR ALL HERITAGE” on the label, next to the picture of the Confederate flag. Since Maurice’s last name is Bessinger, I don’t know why he doesn’t want to honor his German heritage by putting a swastika on there, too. Plus there is a picture of the flag of the Sovereign State of South Carolina, which looks like the flag of some Caribbean banana republic. And Maurice will be happy to sell you his autobiography, which I suppose will explain his heritage-based beliefs. But I just wanna eat the food.

In spite of his shout-out to “heritage,” Maurice is all modern and up-to-date, since the instructions on the barbecue said it had to be heated in a microwave. Maurice is a lot more modern than me, actually, since I don’t own a microwave and never have. In the spirit of football wagerism, I took the barbecue over to Green Bay Packers’ Hall-of-Famer C. Kiel’s house because she has not only a microwave but also a husband who bakes killer pecan pie, and we ate while watching the Baltimore/Tennessee playoff game on Saturday. It was kind of like afternoon tea, but with pork. It was sublime.

I have been trying and trying to think of the words to describe the flavors of the tender, smoky meat and the tangy-mustard-sweet sauce, and have concluded that it is beyond my power to describe. I can only advise you to get your own and try some.
And what the heck is “colonial hash?” That’s what I want to know.

Comments

[Eric]

I agree that Iowa food is terrible but we (some of us anyway) do know how to barbecue.
-Eric (an Iowan)

[K]

'colonial hash' is that which can be extracted from the hemp paper the US Constitution was written on; natch.

[Mickey Mephistopheles]

BBQ and pecan pie. Yum!

Here on the southern shore of Lake Ontario in western New York State, the regional flavor is chicken wings, Zweigle's white hot dogs, and something called a garbage plate. It's 2 hot dogs or 2 hamburger patties, with or without cheese, topped with diced onions, mustard and a special meat based hot sauce (Google Nick Tahou's Garbage Plate for details), served with Italian bread, macaroni salad, home fries, and/or baked beans. Genny Cream Ale optional.

(Am interested in your regional favorites; chime in!)

[wapsie]

By all means, enjoy BBQ from SC vendors -- and congratulations for discovering the sensation of mustard-based BBQ.

But please please please -- do NOT give Maurice Bessinger your business. EVER. Maurice B. is an unrepentant, unreconstructed white supremacist and apologist for slavery. Not in the slimy backdoor "heritage" way -- but up front. Apparently he uses the code only with Yankee dupes like you who at a distance think it's sort of cute.

So just say no. It doesn't matter how good the food is.

There are two other Bessinger bros. who are just as good as Maurice, but who are not racists (they have publicly denounced Maurice). Get your friend to send you something from MELVIN rather than Maurice. I believe Melvin's will even ship their sauces. But I haven't checked. I have the luxury of having Melvin's just a short drive away from my house in Mt. Pleasant, SC.

(I lived for a decade in Iowa City, so I'm more Iowan than South Carolinian. I don't miss the winters or the bad food at all.)

[Bronwyn's friend]

I deliberately chose Maurice's over Melvin's and Bessinger's. You see, I'm also an unrepentant, unreconstructed white supremacist and apologist for slavery, from way back.

[Jeff in San Diego]

Your link to Maurice's web site is broken ... you omitted the period between "www" and the domain name.

[Lipwak]

I love BBQ too. You can get Curley's in stores around here and while it may not be as good as fresh cooked, it's better than Lloyd's (tastes of vinegar) which you can also get in stores around here. (Both come from MN I think, hardly known for it's BBQ but better than ME BBQ...) Nice and chunky, most of the time, and it has a good sauce (hickory-smoked, probably artificial) though I stay away from the spicy versions. They have chicken, pork and beef. (I never eat the beef.) When I have it, I eat it everyday. (I see that Jack Daniel's has some BBQ products out there too. Haven't tried them yet.)

[rusty beltway]

Only an unrepentant, unreconstructed white supremacist would believe the illusion that White People can fix good BBQ.

[masu]

Thanks for the post, good QUE and good music go hand in hand...my favorite is on Johns Island...S.C. at J.B.'s Smoke Shack

[bama]

Maurice's to Southern BBQ is like an Outback Steakhouse (ref: your bowl game) next to Peter Luger's. You simply can do a whole lot better.

Try Bub Sweatman's in Holly Hill, SC. Or, the other places mentioned in previous posts, which were much stronger. Most locals find that Maurice's has little complexity; it's like French's mustard poured over a pork chop. There is a harshness to the mustard that fights against the pork, no subtlety. Plus, they use gas to "smoke" it, rather than a true wood fire.

A 'hash" is a side item that's derivative of the pork renderings. It's pretty much the unmentionable parts of the pig cooked down with a lot of the sauce. Ladle it over white rice.

Hopefully in the gift pack at least you got some of the home made pork rinds. I used to not be able to stand pork rinds... it's a little eye opening in the carolinas to have a pork rind handed to you that still seems to have a little fur on it?!

[Bronwyn's friend]

Believe it or not, I ate lunch at Sweatman's just yesterday. My only quibbles with Sweatman's are (1) I've had better sweet tea, and (2) the lack of side dishes on the buffet--but if barbecue, hash, rice and bread are all you want, Sweatman's isn't bad. I prefer his pre-sauced to his dry pork.

I'm not one of them, but a lot of people around Columbia like Maurice's barbecue better than any other, as do some local experts. Witness http://tinyurl.com/8rn7hm.