A New P-O-S-T By H-B-E-E (mp3s)

I’m slightly dyslexic.  It’s no big thing but it makes me a lousy speller and occasionally, like Daffy Duck, I have “pronoun trouble”, swapping “he” for “she” and “me” for you.  This is one of the many reasons that I don’t sing “So Happy Together”.  I bring this up because it makes spelling songs like “When We Are M-A-Double R-I-E-D” challenging.   And this has so much spelling it might best be called “When We Are O. C. D.”

I found this 45, backed with “Here Comes The Bride”, literally thrown on the sidewalk a few years ago.  Someone moved or got kicked out of their apartment and along the curb were dozens of sleeves for 45s.  Sadly, most of them were empty.   They promised untold riches.  I’m a big fan of retro-children’s record for the simple fact that they’re usually much more fun than the boring crap that’s put out today.  Take the line from “The Little Taxi”:

This is the way he likes to drive
Seventy, eighty, ninety-five
Fast as fire engines go
Compared to taxis they are slow

Wanna try to put that into a 21st century kids’ record?

Not all records from the 60’s openly flouted the speed limit or even tried to be modern.  I’m more than happy that I gave my kids a good musical grounding before they got swallowed up by shitty pop music.  That said, there’s a difference between playing a Jolson record and playing a record of a guy trying to sound like Jolson fifty years after the fact.  I’m pretty pedantic but I have my limits.  The folks who made this 45, however, did not.  Imagine the joy on some three year old’s face when they unwrap a 45 of songs written 60 years ago!  Even with the happy, smiling white people on the cover it’s going to be a let down.  And, despite having the flashier title, “When We Are M-A-Double R-I-E-D” is small potatoes next to the time travel anarchy of “Here Comes The Bride”.

“When We Are M-A-Double R-I-E-D” (written by George M. Cohan) starts jarringly and without warning (as, I guess, happens in most romances) with the all-male chorus who blows their musical load early (as, I guess, happens in most romances) leaving us with the male soloist and an…organ.  We’re led though the song once, then twice.  Then it’s time for the instrumental with the same organ, right?  Wrong.  The organ player is murdered, I guess, by some disgruntled piano player that should have gotten the gig to begin with.  This can be the only explanation for such a half-assed and random “scat” session.  It’s got all the spontaneity of a salt truck.  I can almost picture him glancing at the blood-soaked piano player who grins like the murderous demon he is and pulling Bob Hope #403 face, trying to remain calm.  Then, adding insult to injury, switches tauntingly over to the organ.

Then, for some reason, they throw a verse in.  I’ll admit that, after this, I wasn’t too keen for what felt like would be the dull sounding “Here Comes The Bride”.  Yawn.  If “When We Are M-A-Double R-I-E-D” was two minutes of repetition and death, how could I expect anything good to come of “Here Comes The Bride”?  I’d assumed that this was the b-side.  It turns out they put all their money into this song and it’s a full out surreal, Busby Berkeley production of pre-pubescent hopes and dreams.

You have to wondering if Emerson, Lake and Palmer got the idea for Pictures At An Exhibition from this song.  The Wedding March acts as an jarring and awkward transition between songs.  It kicks off the record and then…stops.  Just stops.  Then the girl singer launches into the 1900 mega-hit, O Promise Me by Reginald De Koven.  (I’m still scratching my head over “we’ll take our love together to some sky”.  There’s more than one?  It’s a tad surreal for 1900 but then again, Windsor McKay was drawing Little Nemo around that time and that’s one of the trippiest panel cartoons of any era.)  And then…back to The Wedding March which ends, handing off to 1910’s Let Me Call You Sweetheart.  And back to another disembodied Wedding March dead ends into the title track, Here Comes The Bride.

Here comes the bride
All dressed in white
Oh, she is lovely
With eyes shining bright

In an annoying bit of editorial malfeasance, rather than singing the “where is the groom/he’s in the bathroom” they opt for humming instead.

You’d think that once you reached the title song it would be over and you could go home.  You’d be wrong.  There’s one more iteration of The Wedding March to slog through before you get to the honeymoon which, in the case of the target audience, probably involves puppy dogs and lots and lots of ice cream before they go home to their separate houses.

When We Are M-A-Double R-I-E-D
Here Comes The Bride

Comments

[bartleby]

Actually it wasn't Daffy Duck that had pronoun trouble it was Bugs Bunny. Daffy Duck pointed out said trouble to Bugs Bunny when he said "It's not he doesn't have to shoot *you* now. It's he doesn't have to shoot *me* now." We all know what happened next.

[Michael Munro]

Funniest review I've read in a while!

[Paul]

Thanks, Michael!

[Reverend Loveshade]

You no longer have to worry about mixing up "he" or "she." There's an alternative: "e".

e (pronounced the same as letter 'e;' rhymes with 'she' and 'he'): Used instead of 'she' or 'he.' A person.
Example: E went to the store and bought a pineapple.

es (rhymes with 'his,' or, if you like, with 'eez'): Used instead of 'her' or 'his' as a possessor or agent.
Example: On the way home, some enemies tried to steal es pineapple.

es (as above): Substitute for 'his' or 'hers' for that which belongs to him or her.
Example: Who were these foes of es?

em (rhymes with 'him' or 'm'): Substitute for 'her' or 'him;' pronoun objective case.
Example: They were The Agents of Greyface. When they tried to take es pineapple from em, e hit them with five tons of flax.

emself (rhymes with 'himself,' or with the letter 'm' and 'self'): Substitute for herself or himself; used reflexively, in absolute constructions and for emphasis.
Examples: Did e throw the five tons all by emself?
No, fool, e didn*t do it emself; e had help from a strong head wind.

You can also use e in abbreviations, just like he or she. These include e's for 'e is' or 'e has,' which rhymes with 'she's' and 'he's'; e'd for 'e had' or 'e would,' which rhymes with 'she'd' and *he'd'; 'e'll' for 'e will' or he shall,' which rhymes with 'she'll' and he'll;' etc. (You can still use 'he' or 'she' and variations when it's important to specify gender.)