My Church Of Scientology Free Personality & Stress Test Story, Plus Scientology Jazz!

Last week I decided that I wanted to take the free personality test and stress test offered by one of the Scientology centers here in Los Angeles. I had my girlfriend Nicci come along so that she could take the tests too, but also to make sure I wasn't abducted and sodomized and left for dead. They do that, you know, it is just not widely reported. So, she and I drove into Hollywood to see what Scientology could teach us about ourselves, and experience firsthand just how hard the advisers at the center try to sell people on their cult religion.

The center we visited was laid out as follows. The storefront featured two bookshelves on opposite walls, and a large desk set back a bit from the entrance. All manner of Scientology books lined the shelves. Behind the front desk there were a number of free-standing displays with pictures of L. Ron Hubbard and various graphics and news stories depicting all the wonderful things Scientology does for the world. Beyond that there were some school desks and a small "theater" that included three rows of wooden chairs and a television set. The back of the room had large, office-style desks, an enclosed area where tests results were generated, and a door to a back room. There were one-way mirrors on the rear wall that I imagined were used for surveillance purposes.

Upon entering the center, an older gentleman with grey hair asked the purpose of our visit, and I mentioned the free tests. He asked us if we had thirty minutes to spare, and we said yes. Then he showed us to our desks and gave us a copy of the Oxford Capacity Analysis (Wikipedia) and an answer sheet.

To ensure I would not be contacted by the Church in the future, I used a fake name (Calvin Lavigne, like Avril, but Calvin) and fake phone number. Well...the phone number wasn't exactly fake. Let's just say I hope if they ever choose to call "me" they do so on a Tuesday between 8-11pm EST or on a Wednesday between 6-7pm EST. The test consisted of 200 questions. There were three possible answers: "Yes," "No," and "Maybe". The questions were mostly hilarious. Some of my favorites were:

"Can you see the other fellow’s point when you wish to?"
"Can you get quite enthusiastic over 'some simple little thing'?"
"Would you use corporal punishment on a child aged ten if it refused to obey you?"

I tried to answer as honestly as possible. Nicci, on the other hand, tried to cheat by answering as happily as possible. The test is designed to expose supposed flaws in your subconsciousness that need adjustment. Her theory was that more positive answers would enable her to combat allegations that she needed "help" in any way.

As we waited for our test results, we mulled around the room. The explanation of how the E-meter works was stunning. A picture of a young woman gripping the handles of the meter is thinking hard about positive experiences she's had in her life (home, school, work). One bad memory is sabotaging everything: a man in black standing over a little girl with a wooden cane in his hand about to strike her in the leg. Words cannot accurately render how funny the image is. For fear of being caught snapping a photo inside the center, I was only able to get a somewhat close-up shot:

Finally, it was time for our evaluation. The gray-haired advisor walked over to us and asked if we'd like to hear about our results. I said yes. He then introduced himself as Terry, and then I said, "Hi, Terry I'm --" and as he was saying "Calvin," I said "Evan". Then I quickly said, "Yeah, Calvin, right." I don't think he heard me misspeak my fake name, but I felt like a total jackass.

To enlarge my results, click the image below (.JPG):

My results were up and down. According to Terry, My stability and happiness were in the positive range, but my composure score was a -10, which meant I'm more nervous/anxious than composed. I told him I was Jewish, but he didn't laugh. He said that because my "certainty" level was so high (85!) it was his belief that I am an actor trying to convince the world I am more composed than I really am. I made another joke about how it was a good thing I moved to LA, but when excitedly asked if I was an actor, I responded by saying, "No. I have an online job." Oh, if only blogging paid the bills...

My results also showed that I am more active than inactive, and more aggressive than inhibited. Terry also made sure to spend a good amount of time talking about my responsibility/irresponsibility score (4). Nicci's score for that segment of the test was also low (20). Terry claimed this was because we both "take on more than you [we] can handle." Then he inquired, "What do you do?" To which I responded, "We date each other." Nicci was not amused.

Terry was very serious about the last three segments of the test, claiming that they were the three areas Scientology strives to change in all people. Conveniently, the last three areas of the test were all related to relationships! They are: Correct Estimation vs. Criticalness, Appreciative vs. Lack Of Accord, and Communication vs. Withdrawn. Terry told me I'm overly critical, which makes perfect sense considering I'm a music snob, general contrarian, and part-time elitist. I was shocked to see how little accord I have. I'm not quite sure how to explain that one. My communication levels were positive (44!), but that -56 score showing my lack of accord pretty much made me ignore everything else Terry had to say. Nicci was critiqued less than I was, because her scores were generally good.

The E-Meter stress test is a sham. The meter only moved when I opened my mouth to respond to Terry. I was told to think of happy thought, and then sad ones. When he said, "What are you thinking about now?" I opened my mouth to answer and the meter jumped. "See!" he said, as if it meant something that my heart rate was altered each time I had to explain something myself. The test was very brief, and Terry seemed very pleased with the results. I did not. After an invitation to L. Ron Hubbard's birthday party at the Showbox Theater, Nicci and I left the Scientology center. We did not attend the party. We are not brainwashed. I was not raped. Terry was nice, if a little misguided and cloying. I recommend the test if only to giggle at all the silly questions. I recommend the E-Meter test because, well, you'll see how unbelievable it is.

 

In honor of my descent into Scientology, I would like to share with you an album by The Apollo Stars, entitled "The Power Of Source." So what, you ask? This wonderfully jazzy, soul-funk record was pressed privately and released by L. Ron Hubbard in 1974! You know, <i>Scientology's</i> L. Ron Hubbard!? The band was actually formed in an attempt to gather recruits with the proposition of free Scientology rock concerts around the world. When you listen to the songs, you’ll understand why this is such a foolish and hysterical proposition. The album was recorded on the Apollo ship, which is where Scientologists lived in the early ’70s because they were being banned and exiled from countries across the globe. An excerpt from the included booklet (.txt file) is available.

The Apollo Stars
Power Of Source

Tracklist:
01. The Power Of Source (MP3)
02. Summertime (MP3)
03. We're Moving In (MP3)
04. Johnny Comes Marching Home (MP3)
05. My Dear Portugal (Meu Querido Portugal) (MP3)

Comments

[the spirit of l ron hubbard]

you will pay mightily for this transgression wmfu!

[innertube]

Listened to 'The Power Of Source', I thought it'd be good for 'chase scene' theme song if you're being tailed by a Scilon PI around "The Streets of San Fransisco" (only if you're driving an ancient LTD, lol)

[Johnny]

Years ago, a friend of mine and I did the same thing in Dublin, Ireland and while I was taking my test (the results of which, unsurprisingly, confirmed that I was depressed and quite, quite lost) my friend stole a cassette from the waiting room which turned out to be a spooky sounding man with lots of reverb explaining slowly and hypnotically that the intended listener's son/daughter/friend/associate had chosen a better way of life which no longer included any trace of their past and that they'd better get used to it and be happy for them. I've since lost the tape and nobody believes that such a clumsy induction tool could possibly exist but it DID and I'd be grateful if anyone could confirm it.

[Swan Fungus]

Johnny! I wonder if that is the same recording Otis has. He mentioned something hypnotic in nature when I asked if he'd heard that jazz album.

I was at a record store today and saw a different L. Ron Hubbard LP for sale. If it's still there next week I'll take one for the team and buy it, even though it's probably overpriced garbage.

I'd like to know what's on those "Clearing Congress" LPs that go for big bucks...

[innertube]

@ Swan Fungus: There's a download page on ED that lists them all. http://encyclopediadramatica.com/PROJECT_CHANOLOGY/LEAKED_DOX

[Anonymous]

@ Johnny What you describe sounds similar to a Scientology tape called "why can't we be friends", but it might not be the same thing.

[riffle]

How utterly oool.

Small point: the text file you've put up, though helpful, misidentifies the name of the book the excerpt is from. It's Bare-Faced Messiah, not not "baby-faced."

The story of harassment of the book's author and suppression of the book is amazing. Though ultimately legally unsuccessful, it was practically a success in that it made it very hard to get copies of the book. Fortunately, the Internet came along and Bare-Faced Messiah is available on the interwebs and is quite a cracking biography.

Wikipedia article about the book Bare-Faced Messiah

That Wiki page carries links to the full text of the book both in PDF form and in HTML.

You may want to correct the title in the text file so those interested can find it on the web. The story of Hubbard and his crew sailing around on the Apollo is one of the comic highlights of the book.

Thanks for posting the LP and cover scans. Very cool. Hubbard's one of the world's most amazing kooks.

[rbz]

Did these guys ever jam with Chick Corea, I wonder? If anything is "scientology jazz," it's his stuff...

[K.]

Yeah, I also visited the Boston Org on a general cult religion romp through the greater Boston area one memorable road trip. A story long in the telling, too long for today, but some highlights.

1) I maxed out on the overcritical score! IMHO this is pretty accurate; I was certainly ready to have fun with my new scientologist friends.

2) I squeezed a free book out of Ralph, our handler. The classic one with the volcano cover ( you later find out after a few 100 kilo-dollars that this is the volcano packed with souls from those dc-9 space planes that Xenu blew up ).

3) The introductory movie! Didn't they show it to you? So weird to see bell bottoms.

4) Closing exchange with Ralph

K> You know Ralph, we've been talking for some time now and you've really made an effort to maintain direct eye contact with me. So I can't help but notice that your pupils are the size of ping pong balls. I've only seen that in people under the influence of powerful hallucinogenics. Does Scientology get you high?

M> I'm astrally projecting right now.

On the way back to the dorms, crossing the Charles river, we watched the sky closely for any signs of Ralphs soul floating around up there...

[Johnny]

Yay! Thanks, Anonymous. I'm pretty sure it was "Why Can't We Be Friends" because I dimly remember debating whether the Can't and the We were the right way 'round.

[Joe]

I think that is a young Lisa Marie Presley on the far left of the cover.

[el bong huffer]

many years ago, i also went through with the introductory series of tests. it was for research purposes though. i was writing a paper for a course on religion in america. this was in portland, oregon, back when they had a center downtown on the corner of sw 4th and washington (it has since moved). i also got to see the introductory movie which was mostly a rambling interview with mr. hubbard. i still get chills when i recall l. ron's baked bean teeth and his bizarre word choices. he was a strange-looking fellow. i also remember thinkning the e-meter was the silliest contraption ever. i knew little about the cult before i went in. afterward, my internet research revealed all its warts and i quickly came to regret my visit, since i had given them my real name. fortunately, i never heard from the "church" again.

[spaceboy5367]

i just LOVE cults!!!

[aaron]

I've always been slightly scared to take the test, because I can't see how anyone would believe this crap with their own free will. But I'm really interested in reading all the questions and hear what they have to say about me. I might consider it.

[Claude Brindamour]

They're trying to build a church in my town! Aaaaaaarrrgh!

http://scalp.plaxmol.com/category/scientologie-et-autres-fadaises/

[xenuphobes]

@ Swan Fungus: Glad you got away with your life and your, um, physical integrity. There's a really interesting post by a former Scientologist about the training for the person who goes through the OCA test results with people and how manipulative it is. You can find it here: http://forums.whyweprotest.net/291-scientology-activism/norway-mps-daughter-commit-suicide-after-ci-personality-test-9235/8/#post168040

@ Johnny: You can now download the "Why Can't We Be Friends?" tape from wikileaks: http://wikileaks.org/wiki/Scientology_cult_Can_we_ever_be_Friends_recording
It's a classic.

[xenuphobes]

PS. I just found a transcript of the "Can We Ever Be Friends" tape. But it's worth listening to the audio to get the whole over-bearing sense of DRAMA!! http://www.mediafire.com/?dkxdyjy2vtj

[Johnny]

xenuphobes, you are a (latterday) saint for this!