Jingle Bell Not

Back in September, I announced the Potentially Annual 2009 DJs Bronwyn and Kelly Xmas Xontest right here on WFMU’s Beware of the Blog because last year DJ Kelly and I had a competition to see who would be the first to hear Christmas Music Played in a Store. I won! November 10, 2008, in the dark and deserted men’s department at Lord & Taylor. But now I don’t work in Midtown anymore, and I doubt I will ever go to L&T again, so this year we opened the Xontest to All Listeners and solicited your reports, with a prize to be designated later.

Given that Halloween started in mid-August this year, I was certain we’d have Christmas music by late September. But no! So far, there have been just two reports—from Listener Brian C. and Listener Zoe—of Christmas music being played in CD departments where Christmas CDs  are being sold, which is not the same thing as subliminal Buy-Now arrangements wafting over the P.A. Neither Listener Brian C. nor Listener Zoe reported whether or not the CDs were any of the new crap crop of Cynical-Record-Company Christmas albums by, like, Bob Dylan or Sting or David Archuleta (you do too know who!), or even Tori Amos hahahahahahaha.

Listener John-From-NJ-Who-Lives-in-Salt-Lake-City claims to have heard the local ice-cream truck playing Christmas Carols (“Good King Wenceslas,” one of my favorites) in mid-September. But that’s Utah, and it might have been Mormon Christmas that day, for all I know. Another Listener said s/he heard one Christmas song in the grocery store last summer, but it was only one and s/he thought at the time it was just a mistake. I saw faux-Victorian carolers singing “Jingle Bell Rock” in a Disney marketing extravaganza on October 30, but that was just wrong.

So! What does this tell us about the state of the economy, I wonder? Last year, stores started up Christmas way early—this year, not so much. Perhaps they learned their lesson when even the big department stores (remember them?) were staying open 24 hours a day and discounting everything by 97% and still couldn’t unload all that crap. This year I think they are keeping smaller inventories and maybe realizing that people are always going to buy something for someone for the holidays, no matter what. I think retailers are sitting and waiting in their stores, like fat, greasy spiders in their webs, waiting for the helpless little consumer to fly in with his hobo $40 cash horde. Or maybe it’s just that I haven’t had time to walk into a single store since I started my awesome new job. Maybe it’s a mad Xmas bacchanal all over, and I just don’t know about it.

But I do get Christmas catalogs! Ever since the Art Institute of Chicago Museum Store opened the floodgates on August 28, hardly a day has gone by without two or three Holiday catalogs flopping in through the mail slot and driving the dog nuts. I thought print was dead, but apparently not. Catalogs are like the cargo-cult version of magazines, and I look through all the catalogs in the same way I used to look at magazines, when magazines still existed. Okay, here is my favorite one  so far this year: The Vermont Country Store! Everything is so traditional and old-fashionedy, just like Christmas used to be! For example, on page 81, they are featuring a real, old-time clitoral stimulator. Yessiree! Although it’s made of plastic, which is not really like Grandma’s clitoral stimulator that Gramps whittled for her out of a boxwood branch, not even like the store-bought clitoral stimulators you used to see in those big glass jars at the general store, the ones made out of wood that only cost a penny. But still … it’s great to know that someone is still making these, and that some folks are going to have a little bit of real Christmas Cheer in their stockings this year.

As for the Xontest, now that we’re past last year’s winning date of November 10, I think we should call the whole thing off. Therefore, by the powers invested in me as a Former WFMU DJ, I hereby anoint Listener Paul Turkk the Winner-by-Default of this year’s Xmas Xontest. Listener Paul reported that he heard some Christmas music playing on a Glade air freshener commercial on the TV from another room of his house on November 2, which doesn’t have much to do with the contest at all but seems to be the best we’re gonna get this year. Congratulations, Listener Paul! Merry Christmas, and may God bless! (And thanks to Bowling Trophy for that great snowman photo.)

Comments

[Kat Fancy]

"Awesome new job"? Assuming that you aren't being sarcastic and your new job really is awesome, congratulations. I hope to be able to use that phrase sometime soon as well.
I'm all for clitoral stimulators, but yes, seeing that device under the wholesome banner of The Vermont Country Store is jarring. Even online!

[J. Throckmorton Malcontent]

Santa is a privileged white male who got away with murder. No matter how many toys he gives away, it doesn't change the fact that someone's Grandma got run over by a reindeer and he got away with it. He needs to burn in Hell forever.

[Martha Moxley]

And that was AFTER Santa and Grandma got drunk and left the party together, and then when she got run over he ran away and didn't tell anyone for 12 hours while she lay bleeding in the snow and died. Thanks for the reminder, JTM.

[sister Hairy Hymen]

Well Christmas music started November 11th at the Wilton Mall in Saratoga Springs NY, I was there, it was early and some one was fucking with the MUZAK system, low and behold there was Bing Crosby singing about the damned Turkey leg. I wanted to vomit. Santa came on 11th this year to sell Cheap ass photos and God forbid if you want to take your own pictures. The people running the thing get down right nasty.
FUCK Christmas.

[zom-bot.com]

i know of at least two radio stations in north carolina - that switched to their all-christmas format at some point before nov. 5 when i visited. you cannot mistake the sweet sound of feliz navidad while scanning channels.
so what do i win?

i will say this- try the peppermint crunch junior mints available seemingly only at walgreens. fucking delicious.

[Mark]

My wife and I went to Target to see what paltry Halloween supplies they had... it was probably the 29th or 30th of October... and found that half the "seasonal" section had been cleared of all Halloween merchandise. In its place? Christmas wreaths, ornaments, little Santa figures, etc. The picked-over remnants of Halloween were relegated to a sad corner. Bear in mind, this was before Halloween, to say nothing of Thanksgiving.

I understand that the contest is over and specifically referenced music... but I think this experience is a chilling counter-point to your observation that the Christmas blitz has been delayed this year.

[The Contrarian]

The Woodbridge Center Mall Sears had a small Christmas display in early September. Every time I returned to the store since then the display would grow a little larger and expand like some consumeristic blob.

On November 4, my wife and boarded Continental flight 348 from EWR-SFO and Christmas music was being piped in over the jet's PA system as we found our seats and fastened our seatbelts.

I've counted at least 3 homes in my little suburban NJ burg that already have Christmas lights up and lit (no, they're not left over from last year).

[SB]

I heard Christmas music the day after Halloween at the dollar tree. So annoying!

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