Abbott & Costello - "Who's Playing First?"

Story by Lewis N. Clarke, former pseudonymous writer for Perfect Sound Forever.

Scene: outside a grimy building, with "Blitzkrieg Bop" playing in the background.  Abbott is leaning up against a wall, wearing a sleeveless jean jacket, T-shirt, skinny tie, fedora hat, thin wrap-around sunglasses.  He's smoking a cigarette, holding a clipboard, casually bobbing his head to the music. 

C: (off stage): HEY A-BBOTT!! 

(Costello enters, strutting, wearing t-shirt, small nose ring, Mohawk, 'Mother' tattoo on his arm and slinging a guitar to his side) 

A: Oh, there you are...

C: (enthusiastic) Hey, I'm all ready for my gig tonight!  Thanks for bookin' us at the club!

A: Yeah well, how could I resist you? You got your nice Mohawk (C brushes his hair to show it off), your tough tattoo (C flexes his arm). You've been working on your sneer?

C: Sure!  Look at this! (mugs for the audience, pouting his lips out and clutching his guitar)

A: That's fine, that's fine.  And you have a good name for your band too.

C: Yeah... The Punk Carnations! (laughs)

A: Yeah, that's swell...

C: We're so excited that we actually wrote a song and learned how to play it!

A: You did, huh?  You finally wrote a song?  What's it called?

C: What..?

A: The song?  What's it called?

C: I gotta think up NAMES for my songs?

A: Oh, forget it...

C: Hey listen, I'm looking forward to seeing all the other bands that we're playing with tonight too!  You got the list there, right?

A: Of course I do!  What kind of promoter would I be if I didn't know who was playing tonight?

C: That's great. So, who's playing?

A: OK, now listen... Before you get started, you gotta remember that some of the bands out there have kind of strange names.

C: Strange names?  Like what?  What do you mean?

A: Well, nowadays they'll take a whole sentence and make it into a band name.  Like... I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness... Or... Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin. Or... And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead...

C: (laughing hysterically): That's a band name?!

A: Sure.  Lots of bands do that nowadays!  What do you live under a rock and you've never heard of any of them?

C: You mean like... "I'm Gonna Go To the Store and Buy Some Groceries and then Go Home and Watch TV and If There's Nothing Good On, I'll Just Go To Sleep Or Maybe Flip Around the Channels More And..."

A: (interrupting him): Yes, yes... Like That!

C: Woo!  That's crazy!  They should just keep it simple!

A: You mean like The Punk Carnations?

C: Yeah, like us!  What, you don't like our name?

A: Of course I do!  I'm just saying these other bands like to have longer names.

C: Well, that's their problem... (excited)  OK, so tell me about what's going on tonight!

A: Alright, alright... (looking at his list) Tonight.... you're going to be playing with 'Your Dad's Penis.'

C: (awkward silence, then flustered) What are you talking about?!

A: I said that you'll be playing with 'Your Dad's Penis' tonight.

C: Why would I do THAT??

A: It'll be good for your career to play with 'Your Dad's Penis.'

C:  I don't wanna do that!  That's not nice!  What would my FATHER think?

A: I'll put him on the list for the show right now if you like.

C: WHAT?

A: It's an important gig.  If you're playing with "Your Dad's Penis" tonight then your father should be coming!

C: He should be COMING???

A: Sure- your father should be coming if you're playing with "Your Dad's Penis."

C: That's a TERRIBLE thing to say!  I don't want him there and I shouldn't be playing with that...

A: Oh, it'll be fine.

C: I don't want to talk about that any more!  I wanna talk about the bands!

A: That's what we're doing!  You wanna hear who's on the bill tonight, don't you?

C: Of course I do!  That's what I been asking.  Tell me someone you got listed for the show tonight.  Who's the second band?

A: You wanna know who the 2nd band is?

C: Yeah, I wanna know!

A: (calmly, looks at his list) It's... "None of Your Fucking Business."

C: (awkward silence then pleading) Look, I just want to find out the name of the 2nd band...

A: That's fine and I just told you.

C: So, what's their name?

A: (calmly, slowly) "None of Your Fucking Business."

C: (pleading) Why would you say something like that to me?  I'm not being mean. (Getting angry)  Why are you mad at me??

A: (calmly) I'm not mad.  I just told you.

C: You told me?  You didn't tell me nothing!  You're just insulting me.  Now what's the 2nd band's name??

A: (exasperated but calm) It's "None... of... Your... Fucking... Business..."

C: (quietly seething) OK, that's fine.  I ask and you say "It's none of your fucking business."  THAT AIN'T NICE!  I'M JUST ASKING YOU THESE QUESTIONS AND YOU SAY THAT TO ME??

A: Will you calm down?  There's no reason to yell at me.

C: You say I'm going to play with my father's penis and...

A: No, that's tomorrow night!

C: What's tomorrow night?

A: Look, you have it all mixed up.  It's two different things.  You see, tomorrow night, you'll be playing with "MY Father's Penis." 

C: THAT's what I'm supposed to be doing tomorrow??

A: That's right.  Now you've got it straight.

C: There's NOTHING straight about this!

A: Now listen and I'll explain it to you one more time.  Tonight, you'll be playing with "Your Father's Penis" and tomorrow night, you'll be playing with "My Father's Penis."

C: I don't wanna be playing with ANY of 'em!!

A: Oh, of course you do.

C: I do??

A: Of course.  It'll be a great career move for you.

C: You mean, it'll be a great career move for me to play with your father's penis and then my father's penis??

A: Absolutely!  It'll be the smartest thing you ever did.

C: What would my MOTHER think??

A: (shrugs) She'd probably be proud of you.

C: (pauses, amazed) My MOTHER would be proud of me if I played with my father's PENIS?

A: Absolutely.  Why wouldn't she be proud of you?  And she'd be even prouder if you played with "Your Father's Penis."

C: She would??

A: Sure!  In fact, I'll put her on the list for the show. (starts writing on the clipboard)

C: You're gonna have my MOTHER here for that??

A: Sure, why not?  Your mother should be coming if you're going to play with "Your Father's Penis."

C: I don't like any of that!  I don't want her doing anything like that and I don't want her here!  You got me?

A: (shrugs) OK, fine with me. I'll just take her off the list. (writes on the clipboard again)

C: You better!  (exasperated) Alright, enough of this...

A: Fine with me. Let's just talk about the third band for tonight.

C: OK... (exhausted). Alright, so who's the third band tonight?

A: (looks at his list quickly but calmly): "Bite Me."

C: (amazed) What...?

A: I said "Bite Me."

C: What do you mean 'bite me'??

A: That's what I said.  "Bite Me."

C: What are you TALKING about??

A: (calm but firm) You heard me.

C: I ask you who's the third band and you say "bite me"??

A: That's it.  "Bite Me."

C: Why would you say THAT to me??

A: Because that's the way it is.

C: That's the way it is??  "Bite me"?

A: Yeah, that's right.  "Bite Me"!

C: (pauses, amazed) You keep saying that and I might do that!

A: Do it?  What?

C: Bite you!

A: No, no, no.  That's next week.

C: What's next week??

A: "Bite You"

C: Nobody's bitin' ANYBODY around here!

A: Oh, you're just acting stupid now!

C: I'M the one who's acting stupid??

A: Yes, you are!

C: You're the one saying 'bite me' and 'none of your fucking business' and you talk about me playing with my father's penis!!

A: Yes and what's wrong with that?

C: (amazed) What's WRONG with that?  What kind of place is this??

A: This is just your average club. That's just how I run my business.

C: THAT'S who you run your business??

A: Sure, what's wrong with that?

C: (to himself, disgusted) What's wrong with that...?  Alright, I don't wanna talk about this anymore.  What about next week?  You have any good bands playing then?

A: Sure I do!

C: Well, what do you got?

A: (looks at his list) Let's see... next week... "I'm Gonna Kick Your Fuckin' Ass."

C: (pauses, amazed) THAT's next week?

A: (calmly) Right, next week, "I'm Gonna Kick Your Fuckin' Ass." 

C: WHY??

A: (shrugs) Well, why not?

C: WHY NOT?

A: Yeah, what's wrong with that?   You don't like that?

C: No, I don't like that!

A: (confused) What's wrong with that?

C: What's wrong with that?? I don't like it!

A: Well, what's the matter with that?

C: What's the matter with that??

A: Yeah, I don't see any problem with that.  "I'm Gonna Kick Your Fuckin' Ass."  I think it'll be a great show.

C: I don't think it'll be a great show!  Why are you gonna do that?

A: Because I have to!

C:  You HAVE to that??

A: Of course. The public demands it.  Everyone wants to see that. "I'm Gonna Kick Your Fuckin' Ass."

C: Everyone wants that??

A: Yes, of course.  It'll be great!

C: I don't like that!  What if I told you "I'M gonna kick YOUR fuckin' Ass"?

A: Well, that's good.  See, you like that...

C: But I don't want that!

A: Well make up your mind!  Do you like it or not?

C: I don't wanna be any part of this!

A: Fine, I'll take you off the list.

C: You BETTER!

A: OK, fine with me.  Hey, you know something... I have something else special for next week.

C: I'm sure you do!

A: Well, do you wanna hear about it?

C: Sure, it can't be any worse...  What's going on next week?

A: (pans his hand across, imaging a marquee) Next week, "Eat A Bowl of Shit."

C: (pauses, amazed) WHAT??

A: Next week, "Eat A Bowl of Shit."

C: That's for next week?  You're telling me that?  What kind of club are you running here??

A: What's wrong with that? Next week, "Eat A Bowl of Shit."

C: I don't wanna do that!

A: Fine, you don't have to but you'll be sorry.

C: I'll be sorry if I DON'T do that??

A: Yeah, everyone's going to want to see that.

C: Everyone's wants to see THAT next week??  What am I, Divine?

A: Sure.  "Eat A Bowl of Shit."  Everyone's gonna love that.

C: I'M not gonna love it.  I don't any part of that.

A: OK but you'll be sorry...

C: Trust me, I ain't gonna be sorry.  You tell me "eat a bowl of shit"?

A: Yes, "Eat A Bowl of Shit."

C: NO THANK YOU!

A: Fine with me.  No sweat off my brow.

C: (to himself) "Eat a bowl a shit..."

A: See, you can't get it out of your mind!

C: I don't wanna think about it no more!  I don't wanna hear any more about this!  All you been doing is talking mean to me, saying all of these insulting things to me, getting me all angry for no reason and that's gonna stop now 'cause I've had it.

A: Oh really? So what are you saying?

C: I'm saying... I'm saying, go screw yourself!

A: What was that?

C: Go screw yourself!

A: (looks at his clipboard, shakes his head): No, that's next week!

C: (exasperated) Woo! (throws his arms up up in the air and walks offstage) 

(A shakes his head, leans on the wall again and takes a drag on his cigarette.  "Suzy Is A Punk Rocker" plays in the background as the scene fades out)

Comments

[Albert]

I just love em, your blog tooo

[b.]

Haw, haw, haw ...... hi-larious! Can't wait to show this to the guys in MY band: A MOUTHFUL OF DOG URINE SPIT IN THE FACE OF THE POPE!
It'll slay 'em, it will, it will!

[Vic Perry]

In the 70s there was a nice variation of "Who's on first" with an imaginary rock festival featuring the following bands:

Who
Yes
Guess Who

[Ivan]

Suzy is a headbanger. Sheena is a punk rocker.

[Jim Teacher]

Superbum.

[Listener Greg G.]

> In the 70s there was a nice variation of "Who's on first" with an imaginary rock festival....

I should keep in mind that it's a good idea to be careful about what I search for because in looking around for the routine referenced above led to this discovery. (Dick Van Patten and Adam Rich.......)

[Miles dougal]

Lonnie irving rules!