As part of Thunk Tank’s bid to expand our global media empire, this week we’re moving into the lucrative world of daily horoscope readings. Every newspaper prints these things, people go online to read them, the Zodiac Killer is beloved by millions, it seems only natural that Thunk Tank should provide horoscope readings in order to attract more listeners. Thunk Tank being Thunk Tank, however, we have decided to forgo the traditional horoscopes provided by either Western or Eastern traditions, and instead provide our own system based on a person’s date of birth and a corresponding Monopoly game piece. And so, without further ado, we present:
Racecar (1st—3rd of the month)
Eager to get moving, you are impatient, but also a natural leader and great motivator. Your pushiness can at times be alienating, but others respect your drive and determination.
Today’s horoscope: You are running out of gas, Racecar! But fear not, a pit stop is approaching. Take time to notice your inner yearnings, and note them for later satisfaction. Though you’re in the middle of a busy period now, take solace in the knowledge that rest is coming. Be sure to include a little but bit of “me time” every day, and don’t be afraid to lean on your “pit crew” of friends and family.
Dog (4th—6th of the month)
Loyal and obedient, you are a good friend and natural brown-noser. Though you secretly long to be the leader of the pack, your need for acceptance prevents you from taking charge, which you fear might offend others.
Today’s horoscope: Don’t get wet! You smell terrible when you’re wet. You recently peed on the rug and everyone is annoyed with you, and you can’t afford another offense. Instead, try licking the stink off your master’s feet. He or she will appreciate that after a long day. Don’t worry, though, even if you’ve been whapped in the nose with a rolled-up newspaper recently, you’ll be out of the doghouse soon.
Cannon (7th—9th of the month)
An explosive personality, you are the life of the party, but also short tempered. People around you both eagerly await your next eruption, and fear that it will be directed at them. When not engaged in the conquest at hand, though, you are cold, inert, and difficult to get moving.
Today’s horoscope: Shut up. Seriously, shut the hell up. You’ve been deafening everyone for days with talk of your new plans, stomping around and bellowing about how great you are and blah blah blah. Yes, a drive-through reptile petting zoo is a fantastic idea and if you can make it happen we’ll all be super impressed. That doesn’t mean you need to shove live snakes in our face all the time, though.
Top Hat (10th—12th of the month)
The gentleman or refined lady, you’re the tastemaker, trendsetter, and advice-giver. Your starched collar can be a bit stiff sometimes, though, and you can be a bit too conservative and uptight for your own good. Beneath your pristine exterior lie dark urges that you satisfy in mad rushes and then shamefully try to ignore again.
Today’s horoscope: Today’s a great day to buy new pantaloons. You’ve been a big help to your troubled friends lately, and they all appreciate it. Your masquerade ball was a huge success, and the Duke is sure to reward you with the banana supply contract you’ve been courting him for. Reward yourself by slathering a rhesus monkey with peanut butter and watching dolphin porn for the rest of the afternoon. Wear more spats.
Battleship (13th—15th of the month)
The boss, you’re a commanding presence, a dominant force, but something is off. Why is a giant warship the same size as a Scottish terrier or a damn thimble? You don’t know, but it bothers you. This causes you to waver between egomaniacal grandiosity and depressed self-effacement. When you’re in the sweet spot between these, though, you’re a force to be reckoned with.
Today’s horoscope: It’s time for dry-docking because those barnacles on your underside need to be dealt with. Seriously, when was the last time you took a shower? You smell like squid ink and burning glue. I can’t even tell what that yellow gunk is, but you should really get it checked out. Maybe not even by a doctor. You might need a vet or something. And how did you get glitter in there?
Horse and Rider (16th–19th of the month)
The gallant general and the loyal mount all in one, you are a walking metaphor for the relationship between the subconscious and the conscious. At times, you’re completely in control, golden epaulets gleaming in the sun as you point at the horizon, and then one spurring too hard, and suddenly you’re off on a tear, carried helplessly along by powerful unseen forces. You also tend to chew with your mouth open, and enjoy long walks on the beach and holding hands.
Today’s horoscope: If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like’s a duck, it’s either a duck, or a duck-shaped terminator robot sent from the future to assassinate you. Be on guard.
Boot or Shoe (20th–24th of the month)
Are you a boot or a shoe? No one knows. It’s not your fault you were made so ambiguously formed. Everyone thinks it’s cool that you’re hollow on the inside, though, like a real boot. Or a real shoe. Whatever, it’s a nice touch. Either stepping out on the town or delivering a viscous curb stomping, you’re versatile, comfortable, and stylish. You stink on the inside though, and everyone tries to pretend they don’t know that until you’re alone with them and it’s time to relax.
Today’s horoscope: Today’s a day for curb stomping, which means you’re a boot. Own it, do the work, and be sure to get a good polish when it’s all over. Pip the lovable shoeshine boy will give you a good rub down and then you’ll be good as new. Be sure to tip him, though, because you forgot to last time and though he let it slide, one more insult and it might be your turn to bite the concrete.
Thimble (25th of the month)
Diminutive, but tough as nails, you’re unheralded but indispensable. It’s a tough life you have, without glory, but when you’re not around and there’s work to be done, people notice. You got grit kid, true grit, taking those needle pokes over and over with never a peep of complaint. Your martyr complex can be your undoing, though, and one day you’re going to have to face the truth: As much as you fear the needle, and hate the needle, you need it, too. It completes you.
Today’s horoscope: You’re being taken for granted again. Time to hide under the zippers again until you get some damn respect. And you like the zippers, don’t you? That’s right, you like rubbing against the zippers in the bottom of the sewing box, feeling their sensuous metal teeth sliding all over you. And when you’re found again, you’ll be begging for the needle pokes. Weirdo.
Iron (26th–28th of the month)
The domestic, you’re at home in the home and often overlooked because of your seeming banality, but you also have a hot, steamy side. Silk thong under the apron, and all that. You secretly long to burn the whole goddamn house down, taking everyone with it.
Today’s horoscope: Today’s the day. Burn it down. Burn it all down.
Wheelbarrow (29th–31st of the month)
The least popular of all the Monopoly pieces, you’re the only one more servile and undignified than that yappy Scotty dog. You’re like the iron, but even more boring and without the erotic, murderous urges to keep things interesting. Urban kids don’t even know what you are, and country kids have so many negative associations with you and endless toil in the burning sun they can barely stand the sight of you. But you’re good at hauling stuff, or something, I guess.
Today’s horoscope: Haul some dirt. That’s what you do, right? Be careful, though—Top Hat has some weird plans involving you, the shoe, and the horse that even I can’t foresee.