SEE YOU IN HEALTH: The Thunk Tank guide to the 5 most likely things that will kill you to death

Half of Thunk Tank almost died last week, which made us realize that we owe it to you, the WFMU Listener, to alert you to the Five Most Likely Things That Will Kill You (this week). Consider it a public service. (You’re welcome.)

1. All-Drug-Resistant TB. Okay, it’s not bad enough that you keep taking antibiotics for your headcold (Das viral!) and using antibiotic soap to wash your crusty dishes, which caused multi-drug-resistant tuberculosis even in a young female ginger who is also a lawyer and lives in London (much to the surprise of the BBC). No, now your stupid antibiotic lip gloss has caused ALL-Drug Resistant Tuberculosis, which is just in India now, but will be killing you sometime next month.

2. Honey. You think this is healthy just because it comes out of a bee? Maybe so, if the honey you’re eating DID come out of a bee. But what if it came out of China? Then it could be loaded with All-Drug-Resistant-TB-causing antibiotics, as well as other nasty things. In fact, most of the honey sold in America now is not even honey, and there’s no stopping it. Do not eat honey, unless it’s some fancy unfiltered Williamsburg locovore shit from a hive on a roof near the BQE, with flyash in it. Or Tasmanian Leatherwood honey. You should eat as much of that as possible. Tasmanian Leatherwood honey is the complete bomb.

3. Scallions. You think honey is deadly? OMG, DO NOT EAT A SCALLION. Ever. Deadly, deadly scallions. They will give you Hepatitis A. Also, raspberries from Guatemala are loaded with a really creepy parasite, and it doesn’t wash off, so don’t eat those, either.

4. Yam-fiber noodles. Rocco DiSpirito is a TV famous chef, and he has a charity food truck called “Now Eat This!” that sells HEALTHY food, and donates all the money to NYC school kids on “Free Lunch Friday.” And the food truck parks down the street from the Thunk Tank Day Job (very near Water Tunnel #3, which I am not allowed to talk about), and doesn’t that all sound nice? The chicken and broccoli stir-fry sounds nice—until you taste the stir-fry sauce which, according to the recipe on the Interwebs, is made with ketchup, and just tastes nasty, and then there’s the yam-fiber “miracle noodles” and the miracle is that you can even choke them down, and then your stomach bloats out to 10X its usual size and you feel sick for days. Maybe the yam-fiber noodles won’t actually kill you, but by Day 2 you wish they would.

5. Our Mr. Sun. There is a 1:8 chance that the sun is going to totally explode radiation at the earth by 2020. Are you ready? I don’t think so. If you wanna know what’s going to happen, just read One Second After, which is, like, Newt Gingrich’s favorite book. Newt Gingrich is totally onto the Weaponized EMP, which is probably why he wants us to move to the moon. Although, if someone sets off an EMP above our moon base, we’ve pretty much had it. But: We could survive an EMP weapon on earth, and by “we” I mean all the 1% who can afford to spend $130,000 on quinoa and guns and bags of nickels to store in their mighty bug-out shelters. BUT: That’s not what we’re even talking about here, we’re talking about when the sun suddenly shoots massive amounts of radiation at us (the earth) and disables all our electrical devices.
In One Second After, the damage is confined to the U.S., so eventually somebody from Somewhere Else comes to the rescue (but not until after—SPOILER ALERT—they eat the elderly Golden Retrievers), but in Real Life, the whole earth will be devastated, and nobody’s gonna be coming to the rescue, unless it’s from Moon Base Gingrich, so we better get that set up pretty soon.

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