Thanks to WFMU’s Internets dominance, we have now reached the furthest niche of nicheyness in Listeners, which is fans of the South Carolina Gamecocks. (Hi, Deep South!) The Gamecocks, the #3 #7 college football team in the country, are the subject of an extremely fine and hitherto unheard-of conspiracy theory, launched by fans of Georgia (another state somewhere outside the WFMU broadcast area) after the Bulldogs were humiliated by South Carolina in a game a couple of weeks ago. Georgia fans speculate that their distressing loss was due not to the Gamecock defense holding Georgia to just 115 yards rushing, but was caused by the Gamecock’s HYPNOTIZING GAY TECHNO GLOWSTICK MUSIC. That is, the music that was played in Williams-Brice Stadium to rile up the fans before the game. See for yourself:
(Thanks to Deadspin, my favorite sports site, for this.)
There’s not much to say except, as one Deadspin commenter pointed out, it’s more like Hypnotizing Gay HOUSE Glowstick Music. Also, I thought that bird (an actual Gamecock?) was totally fake until it slowly deflated at about 0:43. And, also, there appears to be a guy whose entire job is to fan the bird. Our friend Nate says if he were in charge of music for the Georgia Bulldogs, he would have them play one of those super low-frequency things that would cause all the Gamecocks to evacuate their bowels, except that it would cause the Bulldogs to do the same, and also all the fans. And probably the bird, too.
Most major league baseball players have a personal theme song that plays as they come up to bat. (I’m saying most players do this based entirely on the Yankees, which is the only team I ever watch.) Some of the walk-up songs are, for instance, Chimbalo’s “Te Prendo” for Robinson Cano, or Pit Bull’s “International Love” for Alex Rodriguez. Once I was listening to my nemesis, broadcast supervillain John Sterling, talk about the Yankees themes and he suggested that instead of all those mainstream hip-hop tunes and old metal anthems, each player should be represented by a show tune. A show tune. Also, the tone of John Sterling’s voice as he describes every young pitcher (even the lefties!) as “a tall, thin right-hander” is so Uncle Pervypants that it’s impossible to ignore. And when Doug Fister is pitching, and Nick Swisher gets up to bat, John Sterling says “Fister … Swisher” and his head explodes. But of course it doesn’t matter that John Sterling is gay—it’s that he isn’t gay enough. If John Sterling were a snarky, fierce gay, he’d screw up the pitch count (which he frequently does), and he’d go, like, “Pitch count? Who cares about the pitch count, bitches?!” It would be a million times more entertaining than the Yankees broadcasts now.
The uneasy rapprochement between Big Sports and gayness is not news, of course. Some fans are having a difficult time (like they do every year) with the shrieky-pink accessories the NFL has introduced for their October Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Jeez, it’s just a color; it’s not like it actually signifies which probably 10% of their favorite pro football players are actually gay. It’s not a pink triangle.
And everyone just pretends not to notice that whole Curtis Granderson-Kathy Griffin thing.