WFMU's Beware of the Blog

"You all know me. You know what I do for a living."

Hello, Chris T. here. I'll be filing in tonight for Shut Up, Weirdo in the old Aerial View time-slot, 6 - 7 PM. What's the topic? "Chris T'.s Bargain Bin". With our current economic crisis on everyone's mind, my wife Janet and I will help you save a few bucks while having a few yucks...

Man, how often in life do you get to use the word "yucks"?

I'd also like to get just one person to re-enact the greatest scene from the greatest Summer movie of all, the Indianapolis speech from JAWS. I'll provide the music and sound effects, you channel your inner Captain Quint. Here's the speech:

Aboard the Orca:

Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfus) - "You were on the Indianapolis?"

Police Chief Martin Brody (Roy Scheider) - "What happened?"

Quint (Robert Shaw) - "Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into her side, Chief. We was comin' back from the island of Tinian to Leyte. We'd just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in 12 minutes.

Didn't see the first shark for about a half-hour. Tiger. 13-footer. You know how you know that in the water, Chief? You can tell by lookin' from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn't know, was that our bomb mission was so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Chief, sharks come cruisin' by, so we formed ourselves into tight groups. It was sorta like you see in the calendars, you know the infantry squares in the old calendars like the Battle of Waterloo and the idea was the shark come to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin' and hollerin' and sometimes that shark he go away... but sometimes he wouldn't go away.

Sometimes that shark looks right at ya. Right into your eyes. And the thing about a shark is he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't even seem to be livin'... 'til he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'. The ocean turns red, and despite all your poundin' and your hollerin' those sharks come in and... they rip you to pieces.

You know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men. I don't know how many sharks there were, maybe a thousand. I do know how many men, they averaged six an hour. Thursday mornin', Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player. Bosun's mate. I thought he was asleep. I reached over to wake him up. He bobbed up, down in the water, like a kinda top. Upended. Well, he'd been bitten in half below the waist.

At noon on the fifth day, a Lockheed Ventura swung in low and he spotted us, a young pilot, lot younger than Mr. Hooper here, anyway he spotted us and a few hours later a big ol' fat PBY come down and started to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened. Waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went into the water. 316 men come out, the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945.

Anyway, we delivered the bomb."

The Mermaid Parade

The Mermaid Parade - a New York cultural tradition established in 1983 by Coney Island USA - takes place Saturday, June 20, 2 PM. A throwback to the old-time Coney Island Mardi Gras, the Mermaid Parade is three hours of chaos, diversity, independence, weirdness, high-concept-low-brow-cheap-fun for the masses. It celebrates everything that makes Coney Island great - and for twenty years I've been at the center of it.

If you've never been, here's footage of the 2004 Mermaid Parade, shot by Phil Catalano:

Motor/Mouth: Scott Williams

Motor/Mouth is an ongoing series about WFMU staffers and their vehicles. Say "Hello!" to Scott Williams (Thursdays, Noon - 3 PM Eastern time), WFMU's Volunteer Director. PSA Director and leader of the Hoof & Mouth Sinfonia.

1st car: Dad's old '84 Buick Skyhawk, 2-tone (brown & tan). Uber dadcar. This is the car with which I hit an off-duty cop on his way home from the caterer's to his daughter's first birthday party. Sausage-and-pepper grease all over his Malibu interior. My 17 years of inexperience left not a finger on his sympathies and he threw every book at his disposal at me. Fortunately the judge recognized the cop was on a vengeance kick and came up with a plan to keep me outta the pokey. Years later, I left this car parked, disabled, in a place I shouldn't have. Some authority mercifully removed it and didn't trouble me with the details.

Next: '81 Dodge Colt, gained for a buck at an estate sale. This fucker looked like the "B.O.B." robot from that "Black Hole" movie. I left it running while I ran into a donut shop in Lodi, NJ. Valuable lesson imparted by teenaged menace who took the opportunity I presented him (along with a small CD collection). The car was found in Newark, NJ several days later, completely totalled. The towing company and tow-yard each tried to extort a good chunk of change from me. I didn't fall for that shit.

And then: '78 Buick Skylark. This is the car I drove to my sweet new WFMU volunteering gig in the mid-90s; the one whose insurance policy I let lapse; the one that thus robbed me of my driver's license for awhile, offering far greater rewards than I realized at the time.

Then I bought a car with my girlfriend. 1989 VW Golf, beat to hell, purchased with cash at a White Castle parking lot in Journal Square. Man, I miss that car - what were we thinking, driving it non-stop to Tennessee in a rain-&-sleetstorm?? Well, my girlfriend became my wife, and I've still got her, and baby makes three; and now we've added another VW Golf to the family. This one's green, of 1995 vintage. We've had it for almost 4 years and hope it'll stick around awhile.

Motor/Mouth: Chris T.

Motor/Mouth is an ongoing series about WFMU staffers and their vehicles. This installment is about my current car.

Chris T. (NIghtmare Lounge / Aerial View / Communication Breakdown Archives)

Main form of transportation: 1983 Mercedes 300D

Mileage: Approx. 224,000

Where did you get it? On eBay. It was in a town near Cherry Hill, NJ. It took three buses to get there from Hoboken.

What made you pick it? I first read about the Mercedes 240 Diesel in either the Village Voice or the New York Press (I don't remember which). The article described the 240D as being a bullet-roof city car. I also borrowed a friend's 300D and liked it. I picked my particular car because it was in great shape, had never been in an accident and was $3,000.

How long have you owned it? 6 years.

How much longer will you keep it? It's all about the corrosion. Rust never sleeps.

Favorite thing about it: The sunroof.

Least favorite thing about it: Since the accident, water gets in the passenger footwell. The A/C doesn't work (though I think the new auxiliary fan, yet to be installed, should fix that) and the driver's seat should be rebuilt. The foam is shot..

Rate your satisfaction level from 1 (least) – 10: 8.

What is your dream form of transportation? Friggin' flying car. An auto-gyro. Failing that, I want: diesel engine; 4-wheel drive; convertible top; automatic transmission (I like a car that shifts itself).

Anything else you’d like to mention: About six months after I bought this car I was in accident while on the way to WFMU to do "Aerial View". An 18 year-old girl, with her father in the passenger seat, turned left in front of me by the Target store in Jersey City. She miscalculated how far away I was and I hit her rear bumper with my right fender. I eventually got her insurance company to pay for everything but it was a RPITA (real pain in the ass). More pictures after the jump.

Motor/Mouth: Debbie D.

Motor/Mouth is a bi-weekly series featuring WFMU staff and their rides. This installment puts Debbie D. (Debbie Does WFMU) behind the wheel.

Main form of transportation: 1999 Ford Ranger.

Mileage: 79.236.

Where did you get it? Macon, GA.

What made you pick it? It had been repossessed and was affordable.

How long have you owned it? 9 years.

How much longer will you keep it? Until it has some major repair job needed.

Favorite thing about it: I can hook up my ipod to the radio.

Least favorite thing about it: It has a busted window on the camper top.

Rate your satisfaction level from 1 (least) – 10 (most): 10.

What is your dream form of transportation? Ferry.

Anything else you’d like to mention: A few years ago, Rex and Coco and Spazz and I drove out to the Chiller Convention in Jersey. I got ticketed for having Rex and Dave riding in the back without seatbelts.

Debbie's Favorite Truck Driving Songs (from the bottom up):

Jim & Jesse Diesel On My Trail
Dave Dudley I Got Lost
Ray King Big Wheel
Russ Meyers Up
Doyle O'Dell Diesel Smoke, Dangerous Curves
Del Reeves Girl On The Billboard
Dick Curless Chick Inspector
Hylo Brown Truck Drivin' Man
Red Sovine Woman Behind The Man Behind The Wheel
Kitty Wells My Big Truck Drivin' Man
Merle Haggard White Line Fever
Red Simpson I'm a Truck
Kay Adams Little Pink Mack

Motor / Mouth: Michael Shelley

Motor/Mouth is a bi-weekly series featuring WFMU staff and their rides. This week we focus on that Number One Hit-maker, Michael Shelley, heard Saturdays, 10 AM - 1 PM... and we remind you this is the last day of Marathon 2009 - so PLEDGE! Don't forget the big Hoof & Mouth Finale begins tonight around 7 PM and you can join us in person at Maxwell's in Hoboken, NJ (yes, the public is welcome!).

Main form of transportation: 2007 Honda Fit.

Mileage: about 30,000

Where did you get it? Dealership in Caldwell, NJ

What made you pick it? had the proper ratio of reliability/cost and the salesman at the Toyota dealership across the street was rude to us.

How long have you owned it? Since Oct 2006.

How much longer will you keep it? Not sure - but probably till at least Oct 2011.

Favorite thing about it: It has not broken or needed any service besides the regular oil changes etc.

Least favorite thing about it: Impossible to lock/unlock all doors from anywhere but drivers side AND no aux plug for my iPod.

What is your dream form of transportation? Fly like a bird.

Anything else you’d like to mention: About a dozen strangers have stopped me on the street, in parking lots etc, to ask me about it. CD player has an interesting feature: as you accelerate the volume automatically goes up. While Driving on the Garden State Parkway someone dropped a brick on the windshield.

Motor / Mouth: Keili

Motor/Mouth is a bi-weekly series featuring WFMU staff and their rides. This week we focus on Keili of Beastin' the Airwaves!

Beastin' The Airwaves! with Keili is All Things All Ages/DIY.

Main form of transportation: SUBWAY (F Train), Converse All Stars, Honda Minivan (nicknamed "The MomVan" by WFMUers)

Favorite thing about it: Subway: People-watching/studying subway etiquette. Converse: The abuse I inflict on them only makes them better: more comfortable, better looking.

Least favorite thing about it: Subway: Fearing the doors closing on me. Fearing other people. The Smells. Converse: They have holes in the sides that let in water and snow. Canvas also absorbs a lot of water and coldness.

Rate your satisfaction level from 1 – 10: 7 for both.

What is your dream form of transportation? Teleportation - as long as I didn't come out mutated on the other side.

Anything else you’d like to mention: I like Unicorns. If I can't teleport, I would like to ride bareback on a Unicorn with a beautiful rainbow mane waving in the breeze.

Chris T. Picks the Oscars

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight

BEST ACTRESS: Kate Winslet, The Reader

BEST ACTOR: Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

BEST PICTURE: Slumdog Millionaire

BEST MUPPET: Oscar the Grouch

BEST PLAYWRIGHT: Oscar Wilde

BEST HOT DOG: Oscar Mayer Weiner

BEST SLOB: Oscar Madison

Motor/Mouth: Billy Jam

Motor/Mouth is a bi-weekly series featuring WFMU staff and their rides.

This week we meet Billy Jam of Put The Needle On The Record, Fridays, 3 - 6 PM.:

Main form of transportation: Mass transit. MTA trains, and to lesser degree MTA buses and PATH train.

Favorite thing about it: Reliability, predictable low-cost (compared to car), and fact it runs 24/7, and that it forces you to not be lazy (unlike having a car at your constant disposal).

Least favorite thing about it: It can't fit a hundred people in it.

Rate your satisfaction level from 1 – 10: 8.

What is your dream form of transportation? That "beam me up" travel transporter thing they have on Star Trek.

Anything else you’d like to mention: Carrying records on public transit (as I do now on WFMU taking MTA & PATH) versus previously always having a car (in Cali at the radio stations I DJ'ed on) ultimately changes the nature of one's radio show since records are too damn heavy to lug around on public transit.

Lux Interior RIP

For Immediate Release: February 4, 2009

Lux Interior, lead singer of The Cramps, passed away this morning due to an existing heart condition at Glendale Memorial Hospital in Glendale, California at 4:30 AM PST today. Lux has been an inspiration and influence to millions of artists and fans around the world. He and wife Poison Ivy’s contributions with The Cramps have had an immeasurable impact on modern music.

The Cramps emerged from the original New York punk scene of CBGB and Max’s Kansas City, with a singular sound and iconography. Their distinct take on rockabilly and surf along with their midnight movie imagery reminded us all just how exciting, dangerous, vital and sexy rock and roll should be and has spawned entire subcultures. Lux was a fearless frontman who transformed every stage he stepped on into a place of passion, abandon, and true freedom. He is a rare icon who will be missed dearly.

The family requests that you respect their privacy during this difficult time.

Motor/Mouth: DIane Kamikaze

Motor/Mouth is a bi-weekly series all about WFMU staffer's rides, whether motorized or non, private vehicle or public transportation, new and fuel-efficient or old and ready for the junk heap: everyone's got to get to the station somehow.

This week we meet Diane Kamikaze's ride:

Main form of transportation: 2007 Subara Forester, mileage unknown, purchased a year ago in Jersey City.

What made you pick it? Armed with a 6 cd changer and it's black (grrrr)

Your nickname for it: Don't have one.

How much longer will you keep it? At least until the next Motorhead album comes out.

Favorite thing about it: Its headlights look like Iron Man's eyes.

Least favorite thing about it: It can't fit a hundred people in it.

Rate your satisfaction level from 1 – 10: 10.

What is your dream form of transportation? Teleportation.

Anything else you’d like to mention: Diane's Kamikaze Fun Machine 3-6 Thursdays.

Motor/Mouth: Andrew Cohen

Motor/Mouth is a bi-weekly series all about WFMU staffer's rides, whether motorized or non, private vehicle or public transportation, new and fuel-efficient or old and ready for the junk heap: everyone's got to get to the station one way or another.

We kick things off with Andy Cohen, co-host of Shut Up, Weirdo, Fridays at 6 PM (a time-slot I remember well!):

Main form of transportation: 2007 Toyota Prius, 23K miles, purchased Sep. 2007 at Toyota of Caldwell.

What made you pick it? Good mileage (duh!). Didn't make rattling sounds like previous car ('94 Saturn SL1). Was much less expensive than first-choice car (Lexus ES350), but still had a cool high-tech vibe that made up for the lack of leather seats and burled wood.

Your nickname for it: "The car," as in "Hey, I'm taking the car to the store. You want anything? Really? Nothing? You sure? Well tell me now, because I don't want to have to make two trips like last time … Right, got it. Hey, aren't we low on milk, too? Well, check then. I'll get that, too. Skim, right? OK. Bye." (We just have one car.)

How much longer will you keep it? About 10 years.

Favorite thing about it: Ridiculous amount of leg room in the back seat. It's like a Lincoln Town Car back there, but still has the same overall length (i.e., easy to park) as our old Saturn. Also: Driving in near-silent electric mode, a.k.a. stealth-ninja mode, which frequently startles peds who don't look first before jaywalking. And it's cool to not be pointlessly burning gas when you stuck at a long light or in creepy-crawly traffic.

Least favorite thing about it: I wish it was two inches wider. I wish I could see better out the back window and didn't need the supercool dashboard video screen that works as a display for the rear-mounted back-up video camera.

Rate your satisfaction level from 1 – 10: Oh, hard 8.

What is your dream form of transportation? Magical luxury-appointed limo-bus that shows up when you want it and takes you nonstop to your destination quickly and quietly at minimal expense. I'd go for that.

"...that sucking sound."

Car Talk has the biggest listenership on public radio. So it's no wonder that someone would try to build on the Ciick and Clack brand by expanding the Tappet Brothers schtick to TV. It was tried once before, a live-action sitcom starring George Wendt and originally titled Under The Hood, retooled to (what else?) "The George Wendt Show". It bombed. Now Tom and Ray have become cartoon characters.

Click & Clack's As The Wrench Turns premiered three weeks ago on PBS. How bad was it? The title of this post is an actual line from the current episode, spoken by an animated Sister Wendy, that art historian nun with the buckteeth. Here's a brief rundown of the episode I saw: It sucked. Then it sucked some more. Then it kept on sucking. Then it sucked real hard. Then it sucked once more. Then it was over. Jesus, how DOES a trainwreck like this make it to TV without someone screaming "THIS SUCKS!"? Here's a good review by the Los Angeles Times Television Critic Robert Lloyd.

Don't mistake me, I'm a long-time fan of Car Talk. My dad was a mechanic by trade and I've always been into cars. The format of the radio show is simplicity itself: Tom and Ray take calls from people with car problems. They try to solve them, tell some bad jokes, throw in a Puzzler, say some funny names and end with "Don't like drive my brother. And don't drive like my brother." I'm sure most people think the show goes out live but it doesn't. It's pre-produced but maintains a live feeling thanks to the banter of Click and Clack.

If the producers of this disaster, Howard K. Grossman and Robert Harris, had trusted that simple formula to carry the day, they might've had something. Instead, they fictionalized Tom and Ray, gave them a mult-culti backline and put them in situations like the dilemma tonight: will Tom and Ray sell out to the big bad car company (Gigantic Motors) or will they come to their senses in time to realize they're killing their own little corner of the planet? There's also a Fitzcarraldo reference and Al Gore as the Deus ex machina.

You can watch a preview of this piece of crap here: As The Wrench Turns. There are four full-length episodes you can also stream - but unless you need a purgative, why bother?

Danger! Canadians Ahead!

WARNING: These Canadian "Prevent It" Public Service Announcements are not for the squeamish:

Yearning For Big Love

As a fan of the HBO show Big Love - about an LDS (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) splinter-group member with three wives - I was heartened to see the news this week of the government raid of a polygamist compound in West Texas. Why "heartened", you wonder? Because I have no idea when the show's coming back and the news coming out of the Yearning For Zion compound (Investigators determined that there is a widespread pattern and practice of the ranch in which young, minor female residents are conditioned to expect and accept sexual activity with adult men at the ranch upon being spiritually married to them...) should hold me over until Harry Dean Stanton once again dons the creepy mantle of Roman Grant, patriarch of the fictional Yearning For Zion ranch, Juniper Creek.

Struck Truck

For the last two years Meredith Ochs and I have hosted a daily 3-hour talk show - Freewheelin' - on Sirius Satellite Radio's Road Dog channel 147. We just returned from MATS - the Mid-America Trucking Show - in Louisville, Kentucky where anyone who's anyone in the trucking industry displays their new wares or peddles their services. Before getting the gig on Sirius I never truly considered all that trucking means to this country. I've always enjoyed truck driving songs (the more maudlin the better), I'm old enough to remember the C.B. craze and can name just about every truck driving movie ever made: but pondering the importance of the American Truck Driver in the grand scheme of things is not an activity in which I ever engaged. My eyes have been opened.

Most four-wheelers (those folks in cars) view trucks as a hindrance on the highway and stereotype truck drives as a bunch of lard-ass rednecks with little or no brains. These people speed home from a store bitching about that 18-wheeler in their way and never make the connection between the stuff in their shopping bags and the cargo in that truck. As the saying goes, "If you bought it, a truck brought it." These same myopic four-wheelers don't realize there are women truckers, gay truckers, trans-gendered truckers, African-American truckers, Latino truckers, etc., etc. Nor do they understand there are company drivers and independent owner-operators, those who are over-the-road (OTR), moving loads long distances, never knowing where they might go next - and those who run dedicated routes. On Freewheelin' we've heard from 4th and 5th generation drivers whose great-grandfathers ran mule teams and who say "Trucking's in my blood..." and we've also gotten calls from former "corporate pukes" who gave up their desk jockey jobs so they could get out on the road, see some of the country and enjoy a little freedom.

But perhaps what the average four-wheeler understands least is just how fed up most truckers are. With the price of a gallon of diesel now over $4.00 in most states, tolls and highway taxes ticking ever upwards and the price of truck insurance skyrocketing, independent owner-operators are working on razor-thin margins with many claiming they'll soon be out of business. These are small business owners, the very people our current administration claims are the "backbone" of our economy. They feel betrayed by a country to which they've sacrificed so much, including any semblance of a family life. Even company drivers for whom operating costs are not an issue feel as if they get little or no respect on the road.

Truckers see the bail-out of Bear Stearns, wonder "What about us?" and begin - once again - to talk about striking. Or shutting their trucks off for a day or taking a "vacation", since a strike would be declared illegal. Legal or not, the strike chatter has reached a fever pitch, with some drivers creating websites like truckers4change.com to carry their message and test the waters. In the last few weeks there have been stories all over the web, in print and on TV and radio, including this article by Barb Ickes in the Quad City Times  as well as a report on KTKA-TV about a strike set for April 1 (or perhaps it's April 3 or some other day in the next month or two). Two recent documentaries - Alligator on the Zipper and Big Rig - also shine a light on how hard it is to be a trucker these days.

Will a strike actually happen? And - if it does - will anyone notice or care? There was a trucker strike in Italy recently and it did bring similar issues to light and force the government to take those issues seriously. Can it work here? Only if the independent owner-operators who take part are joined in significant numbers by their company driver brethren. Otherwise, the numbers would be too small to make an impact. The trade organization OOIDA (Owner-Operator Independent Drivers Association) has taken the position that a strike would be at best unwise, at worst criminal. The Teamsters haven't released any statements about a possible strike. And no one has mentioned - as far as I can tell - that a strike was attempted about four months back, to no avail. But tomorrow is April 1st and if there is a nationwide trucker strike (shutdown, stoppage, vacation, etc.) it will not be a joke. This country will come to a standstill.

The Hoof & Mouth Sinfonia 2008

A WFMU Marathon-end tradition since the turn of the century, the Hoof & Mouth Sinfonia pairs a great house band* led by Scott Williams with a revolving cast of WFMU DJs, hosts, and staff members pressed into the role of "singer". Here's Scott's post from last year, with links to many of the Hoof & Mouth performances to date, in video and/or audio form: Hoof & Mouth Sinfonia.

This year, more performers than ever - around forty WFMUers - will musically soil themselves for your pleasure beginning 7:30 PM, Sunday, March 9. From Bacharach to Hawkwind, Charlie Feathers to John Cougar and including both Zager AND Evans, you'll hear a range of musical genres sonically strangled for your strange pleasure.

*House Band:

• BASS: Mac, Matt Fiveash, Jerry Fabris
• DRUMS: Evan "Funk" Davies, Bryce, Irwin
• GUITAR: Scott Williams, Brian Turner
• KEYBOARD: David Goldman
• FIDDLE: PGB
• SAX: Chris Stubbs
• ENGINEERS: Irene Trudel, Gil Shuster, Chris Stubbs

Chris T.'s Oscar Picks 2008

I'm stranded in Hollywood due to the winter storm on the East Coast, so I thought I'd take advantage of my proximity to the Kodak Theater, where the 2008 Oscars will be awarded Sunday night, and see if I can go five for five in the top categories, as I did last year:

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: The true contenders are Ruby Dee in American Gangster and Cate Blanchett in I'm Not There. I was leaning toward Blanchett but she won a few years ago for The Aviator. Ruby Dee has never won an Oscar and that will be rectified this year.

BEST ACTRESS: The race is between Marion Cotillard, La Vie En Rose, and Julie Christie, Away From Her. They're both earning raves but Miss Cotillard gets my nod because my friend Jim says she was amazing.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: This one is a lock: Javier Bardem in No Country For Old Men.

BEST ACTOR: Another lock: Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood.

BEST PICTURE: Some folks hated the ending - not me: No Country For Old Men.

StupidBowl IV

For five or six years beginning in 1996, the StupidBowl reared its ugly head on the airwaves of WFMU. The idea was simple: watch their SuperBowl video, listen to our StupidBowl audio. If memory serves, StupidBowl IV featured myself, Bob Rixon and John Hajeski helping with the mix. Here's an excerpt:

Don't be assholes, America: Meet Mitt

From the folks at black20.com