March 24, 2006

Ed Shepp Comments on Today's Old News

Image_1Hey, WFMU bloglets! Ed Shepp here with a tender virgin postie for all y'all out there in bloglandd.  So much old news is hitting the fan now that I had to weigh in with my two scents.  Don't worry, though-I didn't really read the stories I'm about to mention; I got the info from headlines and hearsay: inadmissible-in-court type stuff.  So you won't have to deal with complicated, hard-hitting exegesis (but maybe a few $10 words just for show) .  Aiight, everybody grab a bran muffin and let's get started.

First off, something radio-sorta-related.  Word on the street Howard Stern wears a wig, without which he looks "like a dentist from the Bronx, who probably sells condoms."  Amazing.  I never would have guessed, with his fine faux tresses and my short attention span to things-that-aren't sparkly.  But now that I know of his Secret Wig of Doom, I'm convinced it's the same one Cher wore in Moonstruck.  Oh, wait-that was real. Amazing.

I must admit-this wig thing has given me a whole new appreciation for Howard Stern.  You see, I've been chanting at the wig temple for longer than I can remember.  One of my cherished dreams of early adulthood was to be like Ray Jean (played by Tootie Ramsey) in that sitcom Living Single, sporting a new wig for every scene in each episode of my life.  But then one day I decided to seize the wigged day and go buy one-a Keanu Reeves bob, maybe a James Dean pompadour-to my dismay I discovered that NOT ONE good man's wig could be found on store shelves!!!  (No good crowns either, but that's a different obsession-lots of tiaras, no crowns.)  I realized that if you want a really good man-wig (mawg), you have to drop a few thousand in cheddar, so I packed my dreams of endless effortless hair variety away with the 700 packs of gum I keep in-case-of-apocalypse.  ...But wait! Here comes Howard Stern with his wig flapping in the breeze like a deflated tire (shhhh-can you hear it?), fanning new life into my dreams of wigdom.  Thank you, Howard Stern!  And good for you for having the courage to parade around in that wig!  And a woman's wig no less!  Amazing.

Rainbow_01Since we're on the wig tip, I would like to take this opportunity to say the word merkin. (Click here to hear me say merkin.)  I only recently found out what one was, and from Pseu Braun no less, who lives in a tent (actually, it's more like a teepee).  Do you know what one is?  No need to reach for the dicktionary-I'll tell you.  Briefly, it's a pussy wig.  Apparently they're big with bushless actresses who need to go native for a scene.  Who knew?!  Anyway, I've decided to endeavor to intend to collect merkins one of these days,  ideally to have one from every continent.  I think it would be amazing to have a Merkin Room (merkoom), where they proudly festoon the walls like the Art they are.  I wonder if they come in mink.  Of if they shrink.  Do they stink on the pink of a fink in the clink?  Are they rich in zinc like a drink of ink from the Sync Roller Rink, Inc.?  Hmmm.  Makes you think.

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