WFMU's Beware of the Blog

Mr. DeLay...Sir...I Strongly Urge You NOT To Do This...Tom...TOM!...NO!!

Jerry Jer a/k/a Tampon Man, Connecticut Public Access Channel 34, 199?

Nicki Rose, "Personality Crisis"/"Nicki's Way (The Rock Stars)"/"Battle In The Sky (The Desperate)", (199?)

(Big apologies to Brian Turner.  He already posted the "Electric Warrior" vid by Nicki Rose in June of last year.)

But the man submitted more "demos" to record companies around the country hoping to get signed.  He didn't.  As the hair obviously blows independently--without the use of a fan--so does Rose himself.

No, no, no...I'm just giving you a hard time, big guy.  Nicki Rose, you're perfect.  You are going through to the next round.

The Zero-Star Hotel

We have squats.  Switzerland has Null Stern Hotel. 

 

Essentially it's one very large conceptual art piece as egalitarian sociology experiment as place to stay when you're f***ing tired after a long day of being a tourist. 

Little Pixies Barked

Here comes your kid.

Omegle

We don't know each other.  Me "you", you "stranger".  But I'm going to strike up a chat room conversation with you and hope you're in the mood to strike up a chat room conversation back anyway.  Actually, I don't care if you are or not.  I just got back from work and, like Steve Albini, I'm in a baaaad mood.  Me "DiNozzo", you "hapless puke".

No, no, no...I love you, "stranger".  Please accept this pittance of my openness of heart and extension of friendship.  I already have this feeling that I know you.  Really know you.  Whoever the hell you are.

W*A*L*T*E*R (videos)

About that third M*A*S*H spinoff CBS decided not to pick up because the Pacific and Mountain time zones were broadcasting the '84 Democratic National Convention and Radar wasn't a stooge anymore?  Endure:

(Apologies for the distractions in the form of the Cyprus Corners DVD logo and explanation leading off part one, which starts at :27 in).

Austin, TX City Council Public Hearing, 8/24/06 (video)

Ronnie and Donnie

How the hell do Ronnie and Donnie Galyon do it?  Permanently fused at the collarbone and ending at the groin.  Fifty-eight years of coming back around to having to look each other dead in the eye again for another twenty-four hours once they're done checking out girls and heckling the ref.  The Schappell sisters have it easy, as far as I'm concerned; sisters whisper secrets in each others' ears and don't stop when they reach "the age" where they're not supposed to do that anymore.  Given the choice I believe most sisters wouldn't mind sharing a brain.  Each one would be right there for the next secret that cannot be disclosed to anyone else, the next problem that needs immediate unlicensed psychoanalysis and treatment.

Brothers joined at the head?  They'd bleed to death from pelting each other with cans of half drunk beer.  They'd drive each other batshit and you and I know it.  A six-inch sub's distance is enough of a proximity, and even then.  My twin and I quit whispering secrets ear-to-ear by age nine.

   

The RealiTykes and That Guy, "Jesus Loves the Little Losers" (An Easter Song) (video)

Easter is about more than just contemplating how we are tiny and insignificant specks of dust in the grand scheme of things, how we must learn how to humble ourselves before our creator and how we can improve the nature of our lives through sacrifice and repentance.  Easter's about ham, loveable furry bunny rabbits and finding a dimebag inside a big plastic blue pastel egg.   

Oh, it's also about how you can't make a sammich from any of the leftovers because your friend Timmy from next door found the egg with the cooch.  Here to put these and other important holiday life lessons in perspective are The RealiTykes and That Guy, performing live at LA's Sacred Fools Theater Company:

  

They're here to Sunday school us in the virtuousness of dropping to our knees in the omniscient presence of our Saviour and confessing we are in bondage to sin and cannot free ourselves.  And the weed...ahem, the Wielkanocna Babka?  It's for after dinner.  Hey, Jesus loves you, whether you're parading around in orthodontic headgear saturated with drool and wayfarers or the curly haired kid who hasn't used deodorant or washed his hair in two weeks sitting against the school building at recess.  You're still okay with him. 

Happy Easter and, uh, pass it around.

"Still Worse Than Missing A Meal": More From The St. Louis Metro Evening Whirl

Right about this same time last year (it's 70th anniversary) I found an incredible paragon of throw-down urban journalism resting on the counter of my local 7/11 store.  To say The St. Louis Metro Evening Whirl is unlike any newspaper printed and distributed in the United States would be giving it so little credit it's not even funny.

 

Headline templates and the stories to which they belong in the Sun-Times', Journal-Stars and Plain-Dealers are so prosaic and unimaginative it makes you wonder why there aren't more print machine operators filing workers comp claims over their hands just getting hacked off because they fell asleep reading the template cuts.  The Whirl busts out headlines--and lead paragraphs--fully intended to cause anyone within ten feet of you to shield their faces because you're getting ready to puke all over them from laughing.

I Picked The Wrong Day To Quit Toking

Tsk tsk tsk.  Birth state, whaddya doin?  You're supposed to be the state that raised Malcolm X, Johnny Carson, the editor of Spy, Paul Williams, Baron Von Raschke and Mr. Johnny Steven Rodgers.  But Acea Schomaker?  Apologetic pleas after being arrested for misdemeanor animal cruelty notwithstanding, for the love of God...

   

Dude, guess ya hadn't heard, man...you can bone ride or walk to stores targeting pet owners now!  Even in Nebraska!  Killer, huh?.  One's called Petsmart and they have one at the corner of, like, North 27th and Superior, bro.  Know what you can score there?  CATNIP.

Friday the 13th Part XI: Jason Vs...Arsenio? (video)

Yesterday was an even darker day in America than the day the pilot episode of "W*A*L*T*E*R" got pre-empted by the '84 Democratic National Convention.  Uh huh, the "Friday the 13th" remake.  (On the flip side it was Arsenio Hall's 54th birthday, too, so yay for relevance!)  I wish to usher in this auspicious event the only way I feel it can be properly ushered: laughably and comically.  On July 28, 1989, Arsenio sat down with Kane Hod...oops, Jason on his late night talk show for world television's first intimate and personal glimpse into Camp Crystal Lake's own machete-lunging, serial-disemboweling, "how-in-thee-hell-did-he-just-do-that?"-superliminal-time-space-continuum-accelerating son of a BITCH:

You could've cut the silence in that interview with a...never mind.

The 2009 Cinematic Stock Footage Played in Reverse in a War Film For Poignant Effect Lifetime Acheivement Award (video)

From Иди и смотри ("Come and See"), 1985, dir: Elim Klimov.

No, You Racist Pig--Go The Hell to Dairy Queen

Merry New Year!

Bet that last bottle of Asti Spumanti there won't be any merry new years ahead for the Campbell kiddies of Holland Township, NJ when they hit third or fourth grade.  All are still too young to understand why some kid is repeatedly using their stomachs as field goal tees on the playground at the ages they are now because he learned the sources of these childrens' names earlier in his young life so I guess it really wouldn't matter too much if they were in third or fourth grade.   

Tampon Christmas Gifts

A friend of my wife sent her the page to Tampon Crafts.  Getting absorbed in DIY Christmas crafting and gifting has just taken on a brand new meaning.

   

You can also click on this while you're on the page but I couldn't help but post the immediate link right on the blog because this is forty-karat.

Beware of the Brainstorm: 44 days left until Howdy Doody lets the door to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue hit him where the good Lord split him.  What gift from a manipulated female menstrual hygiene device would you mail to him this Christmas?

Raymond Lyman, The Scranton Avenger (videos)

Raymond Lyman has a problem.  Let me rephrase that: Raymond Lyman has many problems.  But I'll get to that in a moment. 

City Council meetings in Scranton, Pennsylvania just wouldn't be the same without the city's most illustrious local schnook.  Nestled among the many barriers to justice Lyman faces--large drifts of snow after a massive storm are totally blocking off the stop signs but the city doesn't send out its plows...we get the stupid, underpaid DPW guys plowing the street near Ray's favorite local greasy spoon; weakly enforced ordinances--the worst of them he was put on this earth to crush are the city council members themselves.

Videos start after the jump.

The 2008 Cinematic Stupidity Lifetime Acheivement Award

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm golf clap out of sheer politeness and misguided empathy to the director/co-screenwriter duo and winners of this year's coveted Cinematic Stupidity Lifetime Acheivement Award, Michael Sucsy and Patricia Rozema.

They, along with HBO Films, have just wrapped up production on the remake (due in April 2009) of Grey Gardens.  Grey.  Gardens.  The documentary.  About Edith and "Little Edie" Bouvier Beale living in a filthy, unkempt mansion in the Hamptons?  They remade a fucking documentary.

Three Really Bad Obama Videos For Three Really Bad Obama Songs (videos)

I have some good news and I have some bad news.  The good news is the people have spoken.  Bad news?  They've also sung. 

Love givin' for our new President-Elect may not have come as hard or as fast from here as it did from those far reaches of Earth kids in school here still can't locate on a map.  But it came worse.  And there would have been far more from whence below vids came if time and work constraints hadn't kept me from the unmitigated joy of posting them.  These three vids are insidiously bad.  In other words, pure sweet gold. 

Inhale (and he actually DID) to the Chief-Elect!!!

I'm Not Pudding That In My Mouth (NSFW)

   

Unbelievably NSFW.  Straight outta the Risin' Sun is Sweet Breast Pudding, gelatinous milk-flavored pudding with a vanilla or cherry "nipple" packaged as the mammary glands of anime girls of indeterminate age.  Wonders never cease.