January 04, 2007

Be the proud owner of Whitney Houston's Unmentionables!

Whitney_houstonSeems Whitney hasn't paid the bill on her storage unit since 2005.  So they're up for auction in Irvington, NJ next week, along with such glamorous items as Atelier Versace gowns, a grand piano, a band saw and a fork lift.  Creepiest of all is a lot of plastic-shrouded mannequins, listed as Broadway Musical Props.  Inquiring minds want to know: is it merely a case of her not paying her bills, or is it a clever ploy to smoke out Osama bin Laden?

December 12, 2006

More Crackpots- Meet Mark from NJ (MP3)

Mark_from_nj At the risk of being pigeonholed as the Girl Who Writes About Crazy Cursing Dudes, I bring you Mark from New Jersey.  Mark has far-ranging theories on time travel, Armageddon, roulette and Donna Summer (the DEVIL!), which he angrily discusses in various telephone conversations. 

Station Manager Ken clued me in to this fella recently.  He was given a CD called "The Meaning of Life."  The back copy states that it was made from a cassette found on the side of the road bearing the same title.  He's really difficult to listen to, for a couple of reasons- The recordings only capture Mark's side of the conversation and they seem to have been recorded either by a microphone placed somewhere in the room or possibly while Mark was standing outside on a windy day.  More importantly, he is insane.  Completely, violently insane. 

Mark claims to be both a time traveler and a descendant of King David.  His family will bring about the apocalypse through the activation of the Christ Android, currently dormant inside the 12 Planet.   And also that the 50 richest families in the world are trying to do him in.  Covertly, of course.   Also against him is Donna Summer, the Devil.  (Whether he means the disco Donna Summer, or WFMU's own Jason Forrest isn't clear.) 

Here then, are three selections from Mark's version of reality:

Interdimensional Technology (MP3)    Android & Angel (MP3)    12th Planet (MP3)

If you need more Mark from NJ, Aquarius Records would be happy to sell you a cd-r.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cover my windows with aluminum foil.

November 09, 2006

The Ravings of Bruce The Piano Man (MP3)

When I was in college, a friend gave me a cassette containing the frustrated rantings of a guy named Bruce.   Bruce is a dad from suburban Jersey.  He tries to fix things around the house, like the family piano.  He does his own taxes.  And he uses very colorful language, some of which was caught on tape by his son.  Listen for yourself here  (6MB MP3 file, NSFW)

When I listened to this at 22, all I heard was Bruce's rage.  I thought it was hilarious.   Listening now...  Well, it's still hilarious.  But it's kinda sad, too.  His kids are no help.  Half his fucking papers have disappeared.  He can't even let himself go enough to really commit to his cursing. His goddamns are outnumbered by his goshdarns.  He even doggones once or twice.   It's tempting to read all sorts of things into this diatribe.  Is it really about the piano?  Or was he passed over for a promotion? Does he know his son is hiding somewhere nearby taping his every word?  Did the car break down?  Does his wife not appreciate him?  Have his glory days passed him by?  Who knows?  Poor Bruce.  If we can learn one thing from him, it's to spend the $300 and buy the right fucking tool.  Ya fucking moron!