WFMU's Beware of the Blog

Why 70's porn music was never "classic," why 80's porn music is far superior (even though it's much worse), and the disingenuous lie of the "bow-chicka-bow-wow" phrase...

     Face it: only douchebags still believe the typical music soundtracks of 1970's porn films are "classic." Although, since only a douchebag would watch enough actual pornography to allow himself (or herself) to eventually arrive at such a conclusion, perhaps that particular revelation is a moot one. Nevertheless, an example: I was recently watching yet another John Holmes "classic" mid-70's porn film (not for any unseemly reason. Let's just say I was...masturbating) and as soon as the screeching, thin, artless fake-funk soundtrack began to mask the fake shrieks and moans, I had to wince. It was like an un-orgasm for my ears. How did the myth that this abominable 70's music represents some sort of cultural climax come to be? Why is it still perpetuated? Was 60's porn music any good? Is 80's porn music any better? 90's porn music? 00's porn music? Do porn movies of the 00's even have music anymore?
    Unsatisfied, I decided to ask the opinion of notorious guerrilla pornographer and author Sam Benjamin, who possesses a vast, throbbing brain filled with the where/when/who/why of most porn films from the second half of the 20th century, and on, and on. He's has suffered hard trench experience as an actual pornographer, pro-porn film cameraman, agency talent-scout and general entrepreneur in the brightly colored dark void that was and is the Los Angeles pornography underworld. Sam recently wrote a book about his adventures, called Confessions of an Ivy League Pornographer.
    According to Sam, 80's porn video music is far superior to 70's porn film music, even though it's actually quite worse. It all has to do with context. Read on...and stick around to the end, he's brought a few audio clips for your enjoyment.

Album Cover Zen on the Back of a Wal-Mart Receipt

While sitting in the parking lot and waiting for the Burger King lady to bring my drive-thru food out to me, I doodled some classic album cover-themed drawings on the back of Wal-Mart receipts with ballpoint pen (the yellow stuff is mustard from my Whopper, the other stuff is coffee). I've scanned them here:

This one is called: Henry Rollins crosses Abbey Road to smash his fist in a pane of glass.

This one is called: In a room, Kate Bush roasts her Hounds of Love over a fire made out of burning X's Los Angeles Xs while that horrified guy from King Crimson's In The Court of the Crimson King, and that grunting guy from The Blasters' The Blasters and Phil Oakey from The Human League's Dare all try to escape out of windows that are too small for their giant heads, and also the naked little girl from Tones on Tail's Pop! tries to ride the Led Zeppelin flaming Hindenburg to safety only to land in the gaping mouth of the screaming woman in the bed of maggots from Funkadelic's Maggot Brain.

China's 1960's Krautrock secret revealed

Krautrock was a mere generic name for the experimental music scene that appeared in Germany in the late 1960s and gained popularity throughout the 1970s, especially in Britain. But China? The male/female duo of Siutong So and Tin Leung, aka Metal Hat, pretty much made up the psychedelic rock scene of the Dingzhou province of China, still a very rural part of the country in 1967. Turns out they may have have spawned a sub-scene that predates the earliest embryonic bleeps and bloops of Krautrock. BBC DJ John Peel in particular is largely credited with totally fre : : : : : : : : : : : : SEXLAB : : : : : : aking out and cal  : : : : : : SEXLAB : : : : : : ling Metal Hat's first album Reverse Rain "So brilliant!" to deaf ears of course. Seeing as how M : : : : : : SEXLAB CALLING : : : : : :  etal Hat's first album pre-dates even the first formings of German groups Can and Faust, one has to wonder  : : : : : : : : : : TRYING TO BREAK THROUGH : : : : : : : : : : : : IS ANYBODY OUT THERE? : : : : : : : : : : : : HELLO? : : : : : : : : : : : : HACKING INTO EARTH WFMU BLOG : : : : : : : : : : : REPEAT, HACKING WFMU BLOG HTML CODE : : : : : : : : : : : : TRADITIONAL INTERNET OUTLETS MALFUNCTIONING : : : : : : : : : : : : REPEAT : : : : : : : : : : : : MALFUNCTIONING : : : : : : : : : : : : IS THIS REACHING THE WFMU BLOG SOMEWHERE? : : : : : : : : : : : : WE'RE 300 MILES ABOVE EARTH : : : : : : : : : : : : SEXLAB CALLING : : : : : : : : : : : : TONIGHT AT 8PM ON WFMU.ORG  : : : : : : : : : : : : IS ANYONE PICKING THIS UP? : : : : : : : : : : : : HELLO? : : : : : : : : : : : : TROUBLE TYPING ON MY SPACESUIT ARM KEYPAD WITH AIR-TIGHT NEOPRENE-COATED GORTEX GLOVES : : : : : : : : : : : : SEXLAB LIFTED OFF FROM EARTH BASE SEVEN DAYS AGO : : : : WE ARE...

: : : : : : : : : : : : SEXLAB CALLING : : : : : : : : : : : : CONTACT US TONIGHT, FRIDAY MAY 22ND AT 8-11PM ET, WEB ONLY ON WFMU.ORG : : : : : : : : : : : : CALL 201-209-9368 OR EMAIL TRANSMISSIONS : : : : : : : : : : : : IS ANY

ONE OUT THERE? : : : : : : : : : : : : OH PLEASE : : : : : : : : : : : : CONTACT US  : : : : : : : : : : : : SO COLD OUT HERE IN PITCH-DARK SPACE: : : : : : : : : : : :  EVERYTHING SMELLS LIKE BURNT METAL : : : : : : : : : : : : AND LUBE : : : : : : : : : : : : HOLD ON : : : : : : : : : : : : WAIT...

Brows of Rock

Can you identify your favorite rock star by that scrunchy little area between their eyebrows only?

  1.    2.    3.    4.     5.

  6.    7.    8.    9.   10.

11. 12. 13. 14.

Answers after the jump...

Armpits of Rock

Can you spot your favorite rock star by their armpit only? Answers after the jump.

Art Follies! (part three)

Art Follies! (part two)

Click here for a larger version.
  

Art Follies! (part one) is here.

Facebook's 25 Things About Me: All My Internet and Bank Passwords and PIN Numbers

Well, I finally gave in on this crazy Facebook fad. Here are "25 Things About Me." How about all my internet and bank passwords and PIN numbers? LOL! I'm sure some of you will find them very interesting. And now that I've tagged you, I'd like to know these things about you too! Jeeze, this Facebook craze is nutz! :D

1. markallen1
2. password1
3. mittens

Art Follies!

A series of emails between two friends who both recently finished watching Rainer Werner Fassbinder's "Berlin Alexanderplatz"

From: Mark Allen
To:  Tc (Tim Cook)
Subject: I finally got to the end
Date: Mon, Jan 19, 2009 at 8:59 PM
Tim -- I made it to the end of Berlin Alexanderplatz just now. And at this point, that in itself is the greatest thing about it.

From: Tc
To:  Mark Allen
Subject: Re: I finally got to the end
Date: Jan 19, 2009 9:05 PM
Whoa, you did it! Eva! Mieze! Meck! Rhinehold! Bruno! Pums! The Angels! Franz! Franz' stump!  The Epilogue!   What Andrew Sarris claimed in what used to be called The Village Voice: "The Mt. Everest of World Cinema"! You did it all! Congrats, Mark!  So...  what did you think?  How do you feel?

From: Mark Allen
To:  Tc
Subject: Re: I finally got to the end
Date: Jan 19, 2009 at 9:08 PM
Numb.

My Childhood Sewer

They weren't actually sewers, but we liked to refer to them as such. They were really storm drain tunnels, miles of which run underneath the suburbs of Plano, Texas. Even though there's no direct human or household waste flowing through them, it's odd looking back and realizing that at the time we assumed there was, and that it didn't bother us. It never smelled more than just musty, and there was never more than a small trickle of water running through them. The tunnels were mostly bone dry, so it was easy to navigate on their poured concrete surfaces with sneakers and not feel like you'd stepped in something gross. These cylindrical, concrete caves provided a chilly, dim, wholly other universe for me and my friends while growing up...always waiting there for us mere inches beneath our front lawns. The real purpose of storm drain tunnels is to prevent flooding in low-lying areas: drains built within the grid of paved streets (usually along the curbs) sieve off rainwater directly into large tunnels under the ground, or sometimes smaller connecting ones, which lead to others, and others, and eventually dump out into creeks. Rainwater run-off, lawn water run-off, street water, creek water, storm drains, storm tunnels: to us...they'll always be sewers.

1. The Regal Road tunnel

View Larger Map

Here's one of the most-trafficked curb drain exits of the first storm drain tunnel we ever discovered as kids. The Regal Road tunnel was the best one, and the first we happened upon (at about the age of seven). It's length was about one mile, and it had many connecting tunnels of various sizes and indeterminate lengths. Of course a curb drain manhole exit of a storm drain tunnel is only the tip of the iceberg. What lies beneath is far more vast...

New Rants by Francis E. Dec, Esq. Uncovered

    Friends and enemies of WFMU are no doubt aware of Francis E. Dec, Esq. and his long-celebrated innovations to the obsessively distributed Xeroxed-flyer insane rant genre. But hold on to your Computer God Frankestein-controlled craniums because the folks over at the "unofficial" Francis E. Dec resource/archive site are beside themselves after uncovering new, never before seen works by the man himself.
    "They're amazing, really. The new rants completely reveal the history and origin of the Worldwide, Mad Deadly Communist Gangster Computer God, as well as where it originally came from and who created it." says obsessed Francs E. Dec archivist Peter Branting, "They also outline the Computer God's evil Conspiracy for mankind."
    Here's Dec's rant on "Astrocism," available to the public at long last (original at left, click for larger). And here is Francis' final word on the "INFRARED CRUSADER PRIESTS FROM BEYOND COMPREHENSION," also, "THE TOP SECRET DUAL FOOD STANDARD" and "A TERRIBLE PRISON SENTENCE" (only kind of new, actually an appeal brief to the US Supreme Court). In case you're wondering, on the site's public forum is the ongoing story behind the discovery of the lost pages. But if squinting your eyes while reading madly hammered-out, closely-spaced old typewriter text isn't your thing, then the guys at the site have created their own ranting MP3 audio versions of each work...just hit the "click here to listen" button on each rant's page, and sit back and enjoy hearing about your "...Worldwide Secret Containment Policy Radio Control Eyesight TV sight-and-sound threshold Brainwash Radio in the Brain Bank Cities on the far side of the moon." Now downloadable for your iPod!

Car Chase Scene from "The Master Touch"

The husband and I were simultaneously cheering, howling and choking at this six minute-long car chase from The Master Touch (aka: Un Uomo da Rispettare, dir: Michael Lupo, 1972), where a peppy Giuliano Gemma leads a fist-shaking, mammoth-nosed Romano Puppo on a squealing wheels trail through the streets of Hamburg. It's arguably the centerpiece of the film itself; an excellently stylish Italian crime drama featuring Kirk Douglas traipsing adequately through typically snazzy cinematography, 70s modern architecture porn and a spine-chilling score by Ennio Morricone (Italio-horror buffs may also recognize co-star Gemma from Dario Argento's Tenebre). "Best film car chase scene ever" discussions are treacherous debate territory, and often precede film nerd fist-fights (and actual film nerd car chases themselves?) But I think we can all smile through grinding teeth and agree on this wheel-y stunner (turn volume up LOUD). Damn cardboard boxes...

The Drudge Report in Anagrams (original page grabbed 9/29/08, at 11:13:29 AM)

 

Original page at left, anagramed version on right. Click each for original-sized version (and click "enlarge" in some browsers)...

After Dark

As more and more corners of the maybe-two-decades-old internet begin to get the hairy eyeball from moi, my jaded interest keeps seducing me to cruise the most public of spaces...after hours, of course. Recently, by the Flickr-ing light of a just-lit Player No. 6, I locked-gaze under the arches with the so-very alute Hilly Blue, admiring his extra-large uploaded After Dark magazine galleries. I was too young to dig this glossy bible for confirmed bachelors and their best-est inner circles in real time, but After Dark's kangblabla photo spreads — Fire Island studs unbuttoning their Eleganza in butterfly chairs, awe sooky sooky ("you're soaking in it!") zombie disco clowns walking invisible dog leashes on Nautilus treadmills, and Aspen-bound 70's Hollywood icons gazing pensively through fringe — don't need the esoteric magnetism of personal nostalgia. Gasp! It's totally restracto, dude. There's too much to highlight here, but (plucking a random selection) check out these two clams on the half shell in roller skates pictured at left; "Chris Donovan and Craig Dudley pose for photographer Jon Stevens (seen in mirror) After Dark June 1971." Strike up the band! So bone-jack...yes, for the millionth time, and feast your nostrils on Hilly Blue's enormous Flickr collection: After Dark before 1973 (942 photos), After Dark 1974-1976 (916 photos), After Dark 1977-1979 (1,180 photos) and After Dark after 1980 (732 photos), or just bookmark it all for some snowy night in front of the fire.

Hollywood Celebrity Addresses with Aerial Views in the Greater Los Angeles Area

The completely rational new website CelebrityAddressAerial.com has assembled a database of hundreds of celebrity home addresses, with handy links to interactive satellite aerial photography programs. The site's introduction claims; "Tapping into Windows Live Local, you will get a birds eye view of celebrity houses and neighborhoods, often in amazing detail. Windows Live Local even allows you to rotate the image in four directions, north, south, east, and west." Start here.

Worst? Logo? Ever?

    The Unfair Park blog at The Dallas Observer has unveiled/uncovered the city's new logo design for their upcoming "1st Annual Hip Hop for HIV Concert." Unbelievable?
    They ask, "How many things can you find that are wrong and/or disturbing and/or disturbingly wrong with said image?"

The University of North Texas' Bruce Hall vs. The Phone Sex Tape Bandit

    Imagine if you will...something I remember hearing. It's not a memory of a sound, but of a moment — one that happened once, will never happen again, and could never be recreated. Put it into words? We'll see.
    It was my freshman year at University of North Texas, in Denton, Texas. I was living in Bruce Hall (left, click for larger), which was, and still is, the official/unofficial music and art dormitory at the school. UNT has a famous music school and a rather prestigious jazz program (it was the first university to offer a degree in jazz studies, in 1947). Therefore, a high majority of the Bruce Hall's residents were college newbies from far and wide who were dead serious about studying music.   
    The rest of the residents at Bruce Hall were art students, or maybe professional partiers who'd drop out after their first semester. But there were other misfits living there too. These were people who happened to fit right in amongst the rest of the music and art riff-raff there, for whatever reason. One guy who'd lived in the dorm for years was a blind jazz pianist, African American, overweight, around 40 years-old, who always wore a Fedora hat and dark glasses and carried a long cane to help him get around. He was way too old to be there, but made friends quick because he had a loud, boisterous laugh, and was friendly as hell (yes he was a cliche, but a good one). He also l-o-o-o-o-v-e-d the ladies, and wasn't shy about being as friendly as hell with them either, which made those resiliently sweet Texan gals well-just-never-did-you-mind. He was a charmer, and everybody liked him.
    Besides odd characters, the real catch about living in an art and music dorm like Bruce Hall was the noise...

The Jesse Helms Wrap-Up

There have been a few mentions on the blogismord this week of the 1991 TAG Helms Seven action, coming on the heels of the death of Senator Jesse Helms. Our own Blog Prince Mark Allen (pictured in the middle/back on the right side photo) was a part of the team that wrapped a giant condom around the Senator's home. I say it's well worth re-reading his account of this brave and brazen protest on our blog here.