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80s Action Movie Cliches Pt 3 & 4

Welcome back to my ongoing series exploring the mystique and joy of the 80s Action Film (approximately 1983 - 1992). This time, we feature two action film cliches.

First up is The Kick-Ass Fight Scene. This would be your classic mano-a-mano fight, with two guys toughing it out. I could have pulled clips together from almost every film of the era for this section, but really there is one scene that just says it all. And so, engaging in the awesomest buddy fight in cinema history, please enjoy Roddy Piper and Keith David in They Live.  

Which leads us nicely into our next cliche: Male Bonding and Homoerotic Subtext. Sure, you may argue that these scenes only seem homoerotic out of context, but even within the confines of tough guy macho Reagan-era action these moments really do play out like the love scenes that they are. The entire middle of this section is devoted to one film in particular, Showdown In Little Tokyo, which is so loaded with innuendo that I would actually recommend it for inclusion in any Gay & Lesbian Film Festival.

Different Strokes

This family portrait fills me with joy. 

UPDATE: Thanks to our comments for pointing us to the original upload at Awkward Family Photos, which included this note from the then 13-year-old mohawked girl in the photo:

"my mom was so pissd that we showed up looking like this for our family photos. like she didn’t notice until just then what i looked like..lol. and yes, i am a girl. who used to have a big black mohawk.lol! and thats my best friend, not my sister."

The Stupidest Person Alive

Sorry to tell you this New Jersey, but you still use slaves. This woman at a Santa Cruz City Council meeting has the answers.

Via Huffington Post

You may have seen a bit of this gem before in this collection of Santa Cruz crazies.

80s Action Movie Cliches Pt 2: The Diabolical Villain

Welcome to Part Two of my ongoing series exploring the mystique and joy of the 80s Action Film (approximately 1983 - 1992). Last time I presented some a selection of witty (and heroic) retorts, and now we continue the other side of the hero's journey: the villains.

And so, here are some moments from a rogues gallery of usually big-named actors who got a healthy paycheck for chewing up the scenery: from Major Dad Coach kicking karate ass, to Ben Gazzara kneeing a minion in the groin, to little-person tough guy Daniel Frishman (not the same actor from Head of the Class, obviously), to Lance Henriksen delivering one of the best bad-guy lines of all time. Though the baddest bad-guy of all has to be the last clip featured here, with legendary character actor Richard Lynch (oh so memorable to 80s film buffs for his role in The Sword and The Sorcerer). Now that guy takes evil to an all new level.  

Anyone care to name all the films?

Ukraine's Got Talent: Heartbreaking Art-Filled Talent

Sand animator Kseniya Semonova is burning up the internet thanks to this winning stint on the Ukrainian version of the Got Talent series. 

If you prefer something a little less, well, heart-breaking, Kseniya does have fun with the sand as well.

80s Action Movie Cliches: The Witty Retort

Last year a friend loaned me his copy of Commando, the Arnold Schwarzenegger action film that may be the most pure and concise example of the manly-man manness that typified the action movies of my teenage years. I had never seen the film before, because during the rise of the Reagan-era Hollywood action hero I was too busy watching David Lynch films and being all arty and shit. Little did I know what I had been missing.

And so, I hit up the video rental store and filled my Netflix queue with nothing but action movies from those formative years (approximately 1983 - 1992, my cut off date being a combination of the influence of Terminator 2 and the rise of Michael Bay, which I think lead to a new era of action films that were more action-effects-explosion driven). For two months my brain was crammed with nothing but testosterone, ass whoopins, gun play, and witty quips. I decided to share a little of what I learned from this experience by putting together a few examples of the best of what the 80s Action Movies really have to offer.

Here is part one of a continuing series, which features a sampling of some of my favorite (and iconic) witty retorts. I'm sure I missed some good ones (and some I held back on purpose for use in upcoming videos), so please chime in with your own favorites in the comments.

If you would like a full rundown of the films of the era, check out the Ruthless Reviews Guide to 80s Action, which was pretty much my bible while submerging myself in the blood and guts and guns and muscles of the Reagan era hero.

Finally some MJ Memorabilia worth paying for

Yes, thanks to Ebay you can now own an official Michael Jackson Memorial Service NOTIFICATION EMAIL. Free shipping! (photo below, since Ebay already removed the listing)

(via Ethan Persoff)

In related memorabilia, Neverland Turtle Train.

Dorks, Blue-Tang, Mr Wonka, Sprocket Man, and Awkward Families

My "Awesome Internet Images" folder has been filling up lately thanks to these sites.

Designer Logan Walters loves him some Wu Tang, but hates him some Wu Tang album cover art. And so he dipped into the history of Blue Note and is working on remaking all the Wu Tang albums in that legendary style. (Via Animal New York)

Another nice design project is Spacesick's "I Can Read Movies" series in which 70s book covers meet classic geeky films.

 

The University of Nebraska library offers up an online archive of government produced comic books. This includes everyone from Charlie Brown to Captain America to Wonder Woman and Superman pitching various public service announcements. But it's the lesser known projects that really grabbed my interest: WISHES & RAINBOWS, a trippy kids story from the Federal Reserve Bank of Boston; THE STORY OF BANKS, in which a group of hippie teens learn how to use a bank; the EC style drug scare comics HOOKED and TEEN-AGE BOOBY TRAP; and the truly lame superheroes SPROCKET MAN (he rides a ten-speed and carries a giant gear shift) and RAY CYCLE: RECYCLING SUPERHERO (he's from Connecticut). (via Slog)

If you like to make fun of your childhood self for loving computers, Star Wars, and all things nerdy, you can put your own photos up for all to see on Dork Yearbook.

More embarrassing than an airing of your kiddie laundry is the world of Awkward Family Photos. Take a break from Mother's Day and see what some truly uncomfortable family situations are like via the site that kicks the Olan Mills love up a notch.

 

The best one of all is NSFW, and therefore, after the jump....

Ashcroft and Bacon: Sizzlean

Austin artist and Poodle co-creator Ethan Persoff recently had a lively face to face with John Ashcroft when he infiltrated a thoughtful, measured event titled "Can OBAMA ... KEEP AMERICA Safe? An Evening With John Ashcroft". His tale is well worth the read, especially for this moment:

I decide to double my bet. I lean up. "Mr Ashcroft, I'm sorry and I know this is tacky. Thank you so much for the photo. But can I also have an autograph?" My arms outstretched with a paper and pen, John ejaculates, "I can do one better. Why don't I just sit down."

Who is this John Ashcroft, you ask? Well, besides being Bush's Attorney General he is also well known as the voice behind America's unofficial anthem "Let the Eagle Soar"* (listen to Bryce's luscious cover version). But before that, a young Missouri State Auditor teamed up with fellow state politician Max Bacon to form the gospel duo Ashcroft & Bacon.

Here are the songs from their vanity pressing "Truth, Volume One". More photos and liner notes available here.

Why Me, Lord | Reach Out to Jesus | Jesus Hold My Hand | The Broken Vessel | King Jesus | Unseen Hand | Didn't He Shine | I Find No Fault In Him | More About Jesus |We've Come This Far By Faith | Come Holy Spirit | Jesus Is Lord of All

* Oh yeah, and he's a hateful war monger who abhors civil liberties, champions an ever useless war on drugs, and approves of torture. Let's not forget that.

Rock The Keypad

It's hard not to spend a good 30 minutes goofing around with video and commercial director Ron Winter's virtual keyboard of dance rock sounds. I now want to include the George Michael "uhhh" in everything.

Play with QWERTY Rock

Thanks, Metafilter.

Note: hit the head at the top of the keybad for the famous drum riff from Chuck Brown & the Soul Searchers' "Ashley's Roachclip", as used by Eric B. & Rakim, Milli Vanilli, and many others.

Facebook's Album Cover Game

UPDATED! AGAIN

Many user submissions and where to find a ton more examples on facebook, etc.

The latest facebook internet meme is this little gem (thanks to commenter omnibolg for sending me the full version):

1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit “random... Read More”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to "Random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

Feel free to adjust the rules for maximum fun (I would recommend being a bit more selective with the photo, but still stick to the Flickr page you end up landing on), and please link your results in the comments and I'll add photos below.

A few favorites from the facebook Album Covers Group, which has a ton of entries. Also, check our the facebook Album Cover Aficionados Group and the Flickr Group. Also, check out the Boston Phoenix picks for the top 10 (so far), with insightful reviews. More to come, I'm sure.

 

How's Your News?

MTV's new series How's Your News may seem like exploitative douchebag comedy at the expense of the disabled, but the show actually has a long history. it evolved from a documentary about a cross country road trip with several of How's Your News most outgoing reporters, which was winning combination of sweet, earnest, and utterly hilarious. 2004's follow up short, On the Campaign Trail, was even better, because mixing these intrepid reporters with politics is just so perfectly revealing.

Being a big fan of these earlier productions, I wish I could praise the series. However, they make some missteps while trying too hard to appeal to the tweener mass audience: loading the show with ironic humor, quick cuts, Jackass goofing, and celebrity interviews (comedians have the hardest time: Amy Sedaris and Sarah Silverman beeline for the irony and come off like total assholes, though SNL's Bill Hader steals the nice guy award, especially in this extended clip). It is still entertaining, and if I were still the teenaged me I would probably think it was the best show ever, but overall it lacks the charming innocence of the original HYN productions. Besides, the best segment of all ended up on the cutting room floor.

Before HYN, there was Kiss My TV Show, a 90s public access program out of Chicago. Produced by the Little City Foundation, this show has more of the over-protective non-profit do-gooder vibe and is therefore missing the winsome anarchy of HYN. But it does have all the hallmarks of great cable access. Despite being more supervised, Kiss My TV Show also motivates their mentally disabled television stars to engage in more dangerous habits than MTV would dare allow: like handling raw chicken and driving huge cargo vans.

Buy Your Own Damn Fries

I have yet to read Barack Obama's "Dreams of My Father", though it is definitely on my list. So, little did I know that the book is filled with some great street-style dialogue, mostly courtesy of Obama's high school friend Ray. And then there is the audio book, read by the author himself. High praise goes this week to The Boston Phoenix for isolating the cursing from the audio book and making mp3 files, which we now share with you here:

"There are white folks, and then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you."
"You ain't my bitch, nigga! Buy your own damn fries!"
"This shit's getting way too complicated for me."
"You know that guy ain't shit. Sorry-ass motherfucker got nothing on me."
"Sure you can have my number, baby!"
"Blam!"

Perhaps some audio master could put these to good use. A remix is in order, or perhaps a Christian Bale mash-up (though I must admit to being tired of that rant already). Or best of all, how about reordering the whole book into a speech for the Republicans in congress that will make them stand up, pay attention, and realize that they aren't gonna fix this muthafuckin' economy with more muthafuckin' tax breaks, muthafuckers! Though, now that I think about it, that first line alone could be the whole speech.

Perhaps the President's stimulus plan is too much for politicians to grapple with. Who has the time to read the details about all those programs? It's better to just start clipping away at any socially responsible initiative that is, you know, frivolous - by which I mean, any that doesn't help big business, the real victims of the recent economic free-fall. My favorite stimulus plans so far are much more simple: forgive student loan debt, and give money directly to consumers to pay off their credit cards.

Diamond Dave Rules the Internet

What a month for classic Van Halen weirdness.

First The Smoking Gun uncovered an actually copy of the classic 1982 "No Brown M&Ms" rider. It's 53 pages long, and also specifies "herring in sour cream," four cases of "Schlitz Malt Liquor beer (16 ounce cans)," and "One (1) large tube KY Jelly."

Then came the highly entertaining isolated track from "Runnin' With the Devil".

Then a few weeks ago an enterprising computer savvy fellow made the David Lee Roth Runnin' With the Devil soundboard, which took the internet by storm.

Then Ptichfork presented us with incredibly weird versions of pop songs remade with Microsoft Songsmith (watch the official commercial to understand exactly how painful the program can be), including a bizarre lounge version of, what else, "Runnin With the Devil". And here's a pseudo mall organ version as played through Songsmith as well.

And now it has all came full circle, as Metafilter plopped this on me today: The David Lee Roth version of Asteroids...excuse me, "Assteroids". I am indeed highly amused. But, I think we need to put a lid on this RWTD mocking now before it starts to spread much further. Or not.

Keep on chooglin.

Via a request to define the long debated meaning of chooglin, here is LA musician and artist Ami Tallman's essay on the matter, which recently landed in my inbox. Enjoy.

Let's begin with the train noises "choo-choo" + "chug" (and let's take a mental note of the chugging of beer while we're at it). Now say the word choogle out loud. Say it slower. Enunciate. Think about what your mouth does when you say it. Don't forget to think about all the parts: the lips, the tongue, teeth -- with that rich and full oooo sound passing through all their various configurations over the lifespan of the utterance. I'm going to throw in the words chew, ogle, bugle, boogie, fugue, and wiggle for added contextual sparkle.

For our first choogle-specific historical reference, we'll draw on the Creedence Clearwater Revival song "Keep on Chooglin" (site of the second documented usage of the term):

Here comes Mary looking for Harry
She gonna CHOOGLE tonight.

Pleasure is central to the prevalent understanding of choogle, as is propulsion. So let's say that so far we're working with a bangin' good time wrapped around the moment you've just had with both the oral and aural dimensions of the word (as an object of sorts).

Video Truffles: Everything is Terrible

First of all, Happy New Year from Roger Ebert. Which reminds me of Everything is Terrible.

Everything is Terrible takes the baton passed from TV Carnage and The Found Footage Festival, and passes it on to the internet with daily postings of genuinely ridiculous videos and out of context movie scenes ripped from old VHS releases. From an interview posted at Cinevegas the team behind Everything is Terrible explain their utterly perfect name: "The way I see it, there can only be great movies and terrible movies. Mediocre movies are the absolute worst. The fact that our name ends in an exclamation point is because we love the fact that the world sucks. We want to rub our faces in it." Or, if you prefer more of a battle cry, "Terrible, which is everything! Therefore everything is worthy and thus every quality of everything is Terrible! Hence forth and so one making everything Terrible!"

Here are some of my favorites so far - all featuring really creepy men.

After the jump are some other random video clips from around yon internets for your enjoyment.

Video R.I.P.'s

I didn't make a year end list for 2008, because it was just a crappy year for me. But if I had, I think I would have made a list of the Top 10 Legends Who Died in 2008. Because, man, it was a heavy year for some of my favorite musicians, entertainers, and all around inspirations to move on. The best year end wrap ups so far have been at AM, Then FM and Locust St. But if you really want to go obit-crazy, just look at the full list on wikipedia.

And here are some video clips from a few a few of my personal heroes who passed away in 2008.

Yma Sumac, as she appeared in Secret of the Incas (and yes, Heston's character was the inspiration for Indiana Jones).

Even better, a French documentary about Yma features amazing clips from throughout her career.

Jerry Reed's Hot Stuff was my first, and still remains my favorite, Jerry Reed song. I really loved the movie of the same name, which featured another 2008 RIP, Suzanne Pleshette.

Eartha Kitt doing the song that made me fall head over heels for Eartha Kitt.

More after the jump!

Flame Broiled Seduction

Burger King® Flame™, introduced last month just in time for Christmas, is a new meat-scented body spray. It was only sold in NYC at that paragon of good taste, Ricky's. Gothamist interviewed a Ricky's employee who reports that Flame actually smells "Nice and spicy... kind of like Axe body spray"*. 

While it is easy to assume that Burger King has merely lost its freaking mind, the Flame ad campaign makes it rather obvious that they planned this as a bit of a gag all along. Their "Flame Meets Desire" interactive website is actually a really funny look at the most perfectly cheesy examples of romantic imagery. It also features some of the creepiest romantic imagery, with that expressionless new "king" trying to seduce you wearing nothing but a blanket in front of a roaring fire**. 

Even though Flame is sort of a joke, it is one that will make BK a bit of money on sales, as a cheap joke gift can be a bit hard to resist - and some people do indeed want to smell like they work in fast food (initial stock sold out instantly). More importantly, such a campy campaign will help spread word of mouth without them having to spend much money on adverti....  CRAP! You did it! It worked, you bastards! Still, your jokes won't make me eat a meal at Burger King. Never again, I say!***

While you're waiting for Flame to be restocked, you can experience the same romantic feeling in your ears instead of your nostrils by allowing yourself to be seduced by romance master Fabio. Just listen to the advice offered from his quickie CD marketing ploy Fabio: After Dark. Enjoy!

Fabio, About Romance  |  Fabio On Inner Beauty  |  Fabio On Films  |  Fabio On Tropical Islands  |  Fabio On Humor  |  Fabio On Surprises****  |  Fabio On Slow Dancing

Otomo Yoshihide: Without Records

This past summer, Japanese noise artist/turntablist and Ground Zero founding member Otomo Yoshihide collaborated with a group of installation artists at the Yamaguchi Center for Arts and Media for an exhibit called Ensembles (here's an interview with Yoshihide about the show). One of the grooviest pieces in the exhibit was "without records", which filled a room with 100 portable record players and left them running, you know, without records. It's a nice rumination on the loss of vinyl, and the unique sound that turntables have to offer - something that can't be said of digital music.

Oscar the Grouch Hates Christmas

For a long time I was obsessed with the Sesame Street episodes of yore, before everything got dumbed down all to Hell (thanks, Elmo). Why weren't the best moments in children's television being celebrated? The recent DVD releases of Sesame Street Old School were a boon to my childhood nostalgia, and now internet television station Hulu.com (which is how I catch most of my shows these days) has uploaded a slew of new and classic Sesame Street clips.

Update: If Hulu doesn't work for you (sorry, those of you outside of the US), then there is also the Sesame Street YouTube channel! They don't allow embedding, and stealing the video clip is a no-no, so I provided the link for the YouTubes as well whenever I could - plus a bunch of bonus YouTube links at the end of the post.

Here are a few favorites, starting with an appropriately grumpy holiday song. (YouTube)