WFMU's Beware of the Blog

This Week in Sex: Get Your Panties in a Bunch

Today, This Week in Sex is This Week in Panties. That means if you want to know about the world's largest penis, you'll have to come back later. Curious about the effects of semen chemistry on women? If there were panties in that story, we could talk about it. Now you'll never know about how women exposed to semen are less depressed, except when they come down from their spunk addictions, which apparently is a drag.

And definitely no talk about the fat chihuahua who went on a diet but is still a fat chihuahua. I know that doesn't have anything to do with sex, but christ, that's one motherfucking fat chihuahua.

Come fly with me. Ecuadorean Icaro airlines is having lingerie fashion shows in the aisles. Adjust your vacation plans accordingly.

Dirty laundry. If, like me, you often find yourself waking up to the sight of your bra hanging from the ceiling, an empty bottle of wine rolling under the bed, and the guy next to you wearing your panties, you'll wonder where the makers of the Tagalongs Panties hid the video camera to make this commercial for their disposable underwear. via AdRants

More dirty laundry. Deborah Harry wore dirty knickers for five days when British Airways lost her luggage. She could have borrowed some used undies from Dita Von Teese, who saves them for fans. Hey, Neko Case sold her corset on eBay.

Olde dirty laundry. The printing press helped, but the rise of medieval literacy was built on a pile of used underwear. The increased use of underwear in the 13th century led to an increase in the number of rags available for paper making. It's kind of sweet to think of a medieval Bible printed on used underwear.

After the jump: more panties.

This Week in Sex: Feel the Rush

"Feel the rush" of the G-Shot, a collagen shot in your G-spot that increases sexual pleasure. Makes me feel all tingly inside just thinking about it. Results may vary. "The site lists 68 risks that are associated with the procedure, ranging from bleeding to nodule formation," says one news report, but I didn't count. Nodule formation is hot.

Banning the sale of sex toys was supposedly not the intent of a bill in Alabama that banned the distribution of "any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of the human genital organs." It was just a happy coincidence. The intent was to ban nude dancing. The so called "No-Fun" bill is on its way to the Supreme Court, where the Supremes will decide if they will hear the case. How could they not? They love this sort of thing.

Naked people, I'm warning you. Stop clogging up my inbox.

• You call it clothes optional, I call it sunburn guaranteed. British nudists are planning a "clothes optional" charity trek. They'll only take their clothes off if it's hot, which is kind of wussy. Commit, naked people!
• "Nude people could pop up anywhere" in Vermont, which has no state law against nudity. Last year  groups of young people caused a stir by stripping naked in a downtown parking lot. This year there's been a sighting of a dude who danced nude on a downtown street while "performing acts of lewdness involving his genitals." Vermont, talk to Alabama. They wouldn't put up with this crap. They'd blow that guy's nuts off with a rifle.
• Nude man statues are all over London. A woman comments, "He's uglier than I thought he would be." Keep your expectations low, honey, any you'll never be disappointed when the clothes come off.
• Nudists are old. No one wants to join their crazy cult and get bug bites. Wonder why? I blame the internet. And the fact that people are uglier than you thought they would be.

USB Humping Dog. You know why dogs lick their balls? Because they can. You know why this little gizmo attaches to a USB port humps away? Because you're a dumbass who bought one and clogged up one of your USB ports with something that isn't even a flash drive. From the folks who brought you the Gentleman's Ball Scratcher. Remember?

Glow-in-the-dark underwear. This Swiss underwear will protect your man-bits from cell-phone radiation. Or you could just tell your penis to put down the phone.

The vacuum cleaner vibrator is supposed to be a great invention but it just seems like a really bad idea to me. Unless you've got dust bunnies in your hoohoo. Video.

And while we're on a shopping spree, an inflatable dildo only seems useful if you get a flat tire while you're having sex, or maybe if your plane crashes and you need a flotation device. NSFW

Thanks Kim, Prozac and Funyuns, and people who sent me great stuff I didn't get too yet.
P.S. Keep your clothes on, and if you don't, don't tell us all about it.

 

This Week in Sex: Steaming Cauldron of Porn

You've already seen it. The most-linked video at the moment is Good magazine's pornfotainment clip of stats about porn on the web written on the body of Kellemarie. [As safe for work as any Victoria's Secret ad, but does require ability to read.]

Internet no longer "steaming cauldron of porn." Social networking and community sites like MySpace and Facebook are about to eclipse the popularity of porn. I read this not on someone's body but in a newspaper (Canadian, but still). What is wrong with you people? Hang on, Kellemarie's neck says the most-trafficked porn site is AdultFriendFinder (NSFW), a community site for would-be naughty folks. So we can love both porn and social networking! Except I hate social networking. And I'll never believe people will trade holing up in front of their computers, which has served us for millenia, for this newfangled connecting crap.

Army of one. The Army doesn't like social-type sites, either. Go Army! They already blocked access to YouTube and MySpace, but now they've banned blogging through the Defense Department's computer network. "I put my blog on there and my family reads it," said  Lt. Daniel Zimmerman, 29. "It scares the crap out of them sometimes," he said. And the Army is just not into scaring the crap out of people.

Red, white and blue balls. If there's one thing I like more than a sexy pouch, it's a patriotic sexy pouch. Though it kinda scares the crap out of me. via georgewbush.org

How you doin'? Nerve's pickup line encyclopedia Pickupedia.

Dads and grads, Part 1. Send a fetish card. Who doesn't like getting email cards? Oh yeah, me. Don't send me fucking email cards. NSFW.

Dads and grads, Part 2. Send a penis cushion. Who doesn't like getting a penis cushion? For the man who has everything. Except a penis cushion.

Thanks Daupo, Ken, Maria, and Zoe. Do not get up from your computer, find some smut, and send it to me at amanda at wfmu dot org.

This Week in Sex: Size Matters

Banana fana fo uck. The Sex Name Fabricator creates the name for a sex act by randomly combining a nationality with a kitchen utensil. Bosnian meat cleaver, Malaysian meat grinder...I'm partial to the ones with meat in them. Designed by Aesthetic Apparatus and Listener Dan.  See, Listeners can get off their asses and do something useless.

Big questions. Why would Nature make the world's smallest dog so damned small? Scientists say it's something about dog DNA. Next question: Why would someone name the world's smallest dog Dancer? Like that dog isn't already going to get its ass kicked on the playground. Brandy, another little dog with big dreams, is a fine girl, but she's no Dancer.

Before Dancer we had Tiny Pinocchio. "However she is not alive anymore where her owner found her dead after overeating herself to death." Or something like that. All I know is this dog looks like it ate its own nose. Read the sad but totally true tale of Tiny Pinocchio.

I would tell you about the World's Smallest Police Dog but it's boring. "She watches everybody comes in the room," Sheriff Dept. Deputy Carrie Jericho said. "Her ears perk up and she watches who's coming in." Like I said, booooring.

After the jump: the deal with the freaky little horse (yes, that's a horse), beer-drinking cats, quick change artists, and it's all safe for work.

This Week in Sex: World Beat

It's the World Wide Web, people. There's a whole world of no-goodness going on. All safe for work unless marked NSFW.

"Ignorance is a long life and happiness." The secret to living a long life, says Ukranian goat herd Grigoriy Nestor, is never having sex with women. Nestor is 116 years old, unmarried,  and a longtime WFMU listener. "People that were not married like me live longer. People who get married just argue all the time, and that's not good for your health....People who know too much always come to a nasty end. Better to stay stupid and not wonder too much about anything."

Oh, Canada. A Canadian man celebrated Hitler's birthday by walking around naked with a swastika taped to his body. Canada celebrates Hitler's birthday? Can someone please go up there and check on them?

Vintage toys. Scientific research shows stone age sex toys predate monogamy. Personal research shows other things about sex toys that I will not get into here.

"Women are messengers from hell." Something I learned from a short history of sex in Japan.

Are you decent? Scottish strip-o-grams are in danger. Sweeping new adult entertainment laws are so broadly written that they may lump strip-o-grams in with strip clubs, which they are not like at all. Just because people take their clothes off for your entertainment in both doesn't mean...wait, why is anyone still sending strip-o-grams?

Finnups. Retro Finnish pinups. Send me retro Chinese pinups and I'll post you some Chinups. Let the complaints begin. via PCL

It's now even harder out here for a pimp. By here I mean Norway. Norway is fighting prostitution by cracking down on pimps and johns, not prostitutes, who are mostly young foreign women.

Japanese personal sex museums are so fucking awesome. (see diorama pic above) NSFW

Put your pants on already. More naked people, but this time it's naked people with a snake in London promoting an event for more naked people. Will it never end?

Get dressed and send smut to me at amanda at wfmu dot org.

This Week in Sex: Nudes You Can Use

One hot day and everyone's clothes come off -- I didn't see this section of An Inconvenient Truth. What's it going to be like when summer really hits?

Naked robot is very well behaved, but a little self-conscious, so please don't stare.

It happens. Sometimes a girl forgets her undies. Sometimes a photographer takes a picture. Sometimes an editor puts it in a magazine for 14 year olds. Sometimes 50,000 of them get recalled.

Oh yes, they call it the Cotton Tail Run. The Cotton Tail Run is a nudist 5K run, so called because your flabby white ass has never seen the light of day. I guess it's only for white people?

It's OK to chat online in your own home without your clothes on in China. Chinese prosecutors had to drop a case against a woman who organized nudist chat rooms after they discovered a "blind spot" that left it outside pornography laws. But I'm sure they'll get around to fixing that.

Alert the media! Naked nude lady goes skinny dipping in the Trevi fountain in Rome with no clothes on.

There are some people in the world who have not posed naked for Spencer Tunick, and they are in Mexico City and Amsterdam.

Remember the Anzacs. Nudist cricketers and their families honor the Anzacs by playing their annual beach cricket stoush in New Zealand. Love, love, love the annual beach cricket stoush. But before we get all giddy about it, let's remember the Anzacs. Um, what's an Anzacs?

There is an unseen photo of Kate Moss. Was.

Ugly Americans. Americans are afraid of nudity. Why? Americans are ugly. OK, there are other theories.

P.S. An Israeli woman accidentally bit off part of her boyfriend's tongue during a French kiss. Just saying.

This Week in Sex: I Feel Your Pain

Pop quiz: The Bush administration has spent $1 billion promoting teen abstinence since 1998. Since that time, sexual activity in teenagers has dropped: a) 2%, b) 3%, c) a statistically insignificant amount, or d) not at all. Answer: d) . Bonus question: True or false: Given the absolute failure of abstinence education in teens, Bush chose to extend the program to adults aged 20-29, an age range in which 90% of people are sexually active. Answer: True. One more thing: Do you think abstinence education teaches anything about condoms or contraception? You may continue your answer on the back of this page.

I feel your pain, pregnant lady Or at least I look like I feel your pain with the the Empathy Belly Pregnancy Simulator. But I'm still not giving you my seat on the subway.

Cover your eyes -- women could grow their own sperm. Forget about the playing God part, just watch out for the "good old fashioned yuck factor," says Telegraph science editor Roger Highfield. It's really, really yucky. Plus it wouldn't work. And those children would be awful and society would reject them. But that Roger looks pretty jolly despite our terrible mutant woman-future, doesn't he?

Wedding pages:

• Fairy tales. Disney allows same-sex couples to buy the Fairy Tale wedding package. Do I need to write anything else besides "fairy tales"?
• Dream lover. A man woke up dreaming a woman's phone number, texted it, and now they're married.  "It was really weird but I was absolutely hooked," the woman said told the Daily Mail.  "My mum and dad kept saying 'But he could be an axe murderer', but I knew there was something special about it." Not that axe murderers aren't special.
• 4 minute man proposes immediately after meeting internet romance gal in airport. I immediately think "who gives a rat's ass"?
• World's tallest man is married. He was last in the news for using his long arms to save dolphins by pulling plastic from their stomachs. Long arms. Yeah. Long arms. What was I saying?
• Mamma mia! Italians say reality show La Sposa Perfetta, where a jury of mothers live in a Big Brother house and weed out prospective wives for their sons, falls to new depths of banality. Europe rocks.

This Week in Sex: No More Cheesecake

Strippers without the good parts. A Flickr stream of vintage Polaroids of wanna-be strippers that was picked up by BoingBoing was edited to remove "cheesecake." The keeper of the collection says "I have removed the 'cheesecake' images in order to stop receiving so many emails to be made 'friend'." FYI, this post is already cheesecake-free, and so don't bother to email me to be made friend.

Porn without the good parts. Check out Matt Bomarr's What Kept Grandpa Up. Matt contributes to the relentlessly amazing 365 Days Project, and ripped back the curtain on Lil' Markie, who turned out to be a grown man who does not know where apostrophes go. This video was created from vintage porn Matt found on an unlabeled VHS tape in Oakland, but he took out all the porny parts, so it's all good. Find out more about Matt.

Matt Bomarr | What Kept Grandpa Up

   
"He said he had a problem," noted the police commander about the guy who stole 1,500 undies from various apartment laundry rooms in Pullman, Washington. The police are "concerned how to match bras and panties with victims." Now everybody has a problem.

This Week in Sex: You're All Winners

Holy hooters, we have a winner!

Frank S. from the World Wide Web won the coveted Bucket of Smut, the special bonus contest prize that was open to anyone who gave $75 or more to the marathon. We love you, porn rock stars.

On a sad note, I got more than a few emails from people who said they had stinky years -- I think the word was "cursed" -- after not winning the Bucket last time. I expect they will be twice as bummed this year, and I am sympathetic. My suggestion is to buy Lotto tickets to keep the hope/despair cycle going until the next marathon. (If you really want the stuff, you can get it by exchanging money for the items using established capitalist mechanisms. May I suggest taking your business to the kind donors listed below.)

On a happy note, second prize is a year's worth of This Week in Sex, posted here every Tuesday. All smut, no fundraising. Everyone's a winner!

On a mysterious note, the winner of last year's Bucket was never heard from again. Never. I guess there is too much of a good thing.

On a musical note, check out the marathon sing-a-long finale on video and audio. I'm on the audio, where I helped out Station Manager Ken with the talking part. Apparently I called him "Kenneth" at one point, so I don't think I'll be invited back.

Thanks to our generous donors:

• OhMiBod
• The Cone
• Good Vibrations
• Babeland
• Artist Kim Galibert

Love/porn image details. Thanks Doron! Next week: Back to our regular programming.

Fine print: Winner of this year's prize certified by the accountants at Freeman and Murphy. 

 

This Week in Sex: A Hard Gay's Work

You know how after the marathon everyone on the station shuts up and plays music? Ostensibly that's to thank you for your pledges by giving you the freeform radio you love, but it's really because we are so fried that no one can find words like "ostensibly." It took me an extra second or two. OK, longer. Could you stop looking over my shoulder while I type? It just slows me down.

So today, since I'm not cooking up any smut for you, because sometimes smut actually needs words, I'm parking you in front of the TV. Enjoy "Hard Gay Cooking With Kids." Warning: Not suitable for kids.

Thanks Listener Rudy! [Stay tuned for the Bucket of Smut winner announcement next week.]

This Week in Sex: Keep Your Hands Where I Can See Them

[Just a few more days to get in the running for the Bucket of Smut. Any donation of $75 or more gets you the tons of swag you're entitled to, plus a chance to get more tawdry items than you will know what to do with. Details after the jump. Hint: iPod + vibrator = hot new gizmo all the kids will be wearing on the subway.]

It's the time of year when we don't eat meat on Fridays but we do give thanks that WFMU doesn't play commercials, ever. Not even the ones with guys accidentally/on-purpose kissing via gooey rods of chocolate candy and then waxing their chests in a frenzy. Anyway, Ken and Andy already do that, and not just during Seven Second Delay. It's their "private thing."

There's a really boring new Coke ad on tv. A middle-aged white couple are at a restaurant having dinner. He puts a Coke cap on the table and she says, "I should have married Howard Finklestein," and we get some shots of kooky Howard. Cut back to the table and the Coke cap has become two tickets to Hawaii. Aw, honey! You're so getting laid tonight. Tagline: Thanks for drinking. (Which seems vaguely alcoholic, but nevermind.)

So the ad is endlessly boring, except that when you've seen it the millionth time you start to think about the part where the guy uncaps the Coke. He's reaching under the table to unscrew the 20 oz. bottle that he likes to bring to restaurant meals in his crotch. She looks shocked at his efforts. As well she should, because he looks like he's jerking off. No wonder she thinks she should have married Howard Finklestein -- he could probably keep it in his pants during dinner.

I'll buy you a Coke and open it under the table if you can find the video of this commercial online. Until then, you can watch the White Stripes Coke ad because Jack White say it's the right thing to do. But pledging your love to WFMU is righter. Bucket of Smut after this commercial break.

This Week in Sex: Giving it Away

New York may be the first city to brand and give away its own line of condoms, but WFMU is the only radio station giving away a Bucket of Smut. Take that, New York City. Oh yeah.

Find out what´s in the Bucket and how to get in the running here. Goodies include a vibrator you hook up to your iPod, a love machine shaped like a cone, and vagina art by Kim Galibert.

If you've already donated $75 or more to the marathon, shoot me an email and I'll put your name in the hopper. And if you haven't donated yet, consider this our way of sweetening the pot. Bucket. Whatever.

This Week in Sex: This Week in Bucket of Smut

Our Bucket runneth over. That would be The Bucket of Smut, the coveted This Week in Sex fundraising marathon prize. You give, we give back, in the universal currency of smut.

New this week: The OhMiBod vibrator hooks up to your iPod. Yes, you heard me right. Rock the night away to Rock the Night away, though that would not personally be my choice. You can make an MP3 mix, and apparently people are posting their love mixes on iTunes.

And also: The Magical Cone. (They just call it The Cone, but I threw in the magical part.) The Cone is not your grandma's vibrator, unless she's very flexible, which I'm sure she is--I'm not dissing your grandma. She could probably kick my ass. Its more that this isn't an inny-outty vibrator like you (or your grandma) are used to. And it makes a great decorating accent on your nightstand.

So to recap, for your donation of $75 or more, you get in the running for this wad of generously donated contraband:

• From the rockers at OhMiBod, a sleek and shiny OhMiBod pleasure toy that hooks up to your iPod.
• From the hip grandmas at The Cone, one fresh pink The Cone, served as if by a butler.
• From Good Vibrations: DVDs, doodads, and an Aneros prostate-perineum stimulator (that´s a butt plug for boys for those of you who need it simplified, or the top-of-the-line butt plug for boys, for those of your who need it fancified).
• From Babeland: a bucket within a bucket overflowing with goodness/badness, assembled by Babeland education coordinator and longtime WFMU fan Carolyn, so you know it will be extra-special.
• From artist Kim Galibert, art. Kim is a sculptor who is generously donating a gorgeous metal vagina sculpture. You can have her him make a custom sculpture of...anything...down to the 1/1000". (News flash: Kim is a man, baby!)

More on the prizes and our donors throughout the marathon.

Details on how to get in the running for the prize after the jump.

This Week in Sex: ¡Bucket of Smut!

¡Hóla! I am in Spain and I don´t speak Spanish, but this computer does, so I am finding myself saying "Sí" to a lot of pop-ups. I´m not sure if there´s an accent in ¡hóla! but I figured out how to use the accent thingy, plus the upside-down exclamation point, so expect a lot more of that.

Feliz marathon to everyone. I wish I could be there, but I am running around the Costa Del Sol in WFMU t-shirts, so that makes me feel better.

Q. What´s smutty and comes in a bucket?
A. The Bucket of Smut, the coveted This Week in Sex fundraising marathon prize! I mean ¡príze!

You should want it based on that alone, but here´s a preview of what´s inside:

• From Good Vibrations: DVDs, doodads, and an Aneros prostate-perineum stimulator (that´s a butt plug for boys for those of you who need it simplified, or the top-of-the-line butt plug for boys, for those of your who need it fancified).
• From Babeland: a bucket within a bucket overflowing with goodness/badness, assembled by Babeland education coordinator and longtime WFMU fan Carolyn, so you know it will be extra-special.
• From artist Kim Galibert, art. Kim is a sculptor who is generously donating a gorgeous metal vagina sculpture. You can have her make a custom sculpture of...anything...down to the 1/1000".
• ¡Y más! 

More on the prizes and our donors throughout the marathon.

Details on how to get in the running for the prize (as we say in the marathon fundraising biz) after the jump (as we say in the blog biz).

This Week in Sex: Be the Hit at School

Put on your hip waders, protective goggles, and rubber gloves, because you're about to get slammed with a Bucket of Smut. Last year we gave out a giant wad of dirty prizes -- all you had to do to get in the running was make the  DJ premium-level marathon pledge, which you were probably going to do anyway, and send me an email. Same deal this year. As soon as I announce the list of prizes, you can email me at amanda at wfmu dot org.

Pizza Virgin Custody Arrangement. The cafeteria worker who found the Pizza Virgin, the likeness of the Virgin Mary at the bottom of a baking sheet used to bake cookies, pizza and chicken nuggets, got it back. Co-workers were "miffed" that she got to keep the pan. The kitchen manager, Coralia Pacay, said she wanted the sheet returned. Later, Rodriguez decided she wanted it herself. Principal Lydia Guerrero eventually brokered a deal by which "Rodriguez could keep the pan but the PTA mothers will be allowed to display it this weekend."

No Nads. State Delegate LeRoy E. Myers Jr. says children shouldn't be exposed to giant plastic gonads dangling from pickup truck trailer hitches on Maryland roads. The bill also would ban depictions of naked human breasts, buttocks or genitals, with offenses punishable by fines of up to $500. But Pamela Campbell, whose Bullhead City, Ariz., business sells fake bull testicles, thinks that the swinging decorations can prompt healthy discussions about anatomy and reproduction. "Do we have to neuter all dogs that walk by us?" she asked. "Where does it stop?" I think we should neuter the dogs, but hang the giant fake testicles on them.

Day of the Dying Dolphin. A dolphin is dying of a broken heart after its beloved trainer was killed by her neighbour in a frenzied attack. Dolphin "Mary G" was rescued from the Adriatic Sea and nurtured back to full health by Tamara Monti at the Oltremare water park in Riccione, Italy. But the 37-year-old was stabbed to death at her flat by neighbour Alessandro Doto. He claimed he had been driven mad by the constant barking of Ms Monti's two dogs.

After the jump: arts and crafts and weiner fun.

This Week in Sex: Bad Sex

Tomorrow is a very special Valentine's Day edition of TWiS, or as I like to think of it, warmed-up left-overs day. For TWiS. But since the tease really keeps the relationship going, and I do want to keep our relationship going, really, honey, I do, here's a dirty ditty to tide you over until then:

Bad Sex mp3

What makes it clever is that it's not really dirty at all. It just sounds dirty.

Thanks Maria! She's working toward her Junior Smut Brigade badge in mp3 crafts.

This Week in Sex: Let My People Come, The Musical

You know why I don't bother to give you links to actual porn? Because half of all teens are already "accidentally" exposed to porn on the internet. If you can't find porn yourself, just ask a teenager. You won't get in trouble for doing that. And if you're a teenager and you can't find porn, you must be Amish, in which case you are not in my demographic. So go back to sheep fucking and get caught so I can have some oddball smut to write about next week.

But this week I'm not even doling out the usual oddball smut. This is stuff even a teenager would have to make an effort to find, unless he is a Broadway theater queenager, in which case he already has the original cast album.

"Let My People Come," helpfully subtitled "A Sexual Musical," premiered January 8, 1974, and sexual freedom reigned for 106 explicit performances. The breakaway mp3 hit "I'm Gay" was picked up in the first 365 Days, and its undiluted cheese is credited with inciting the whole of the nasty punk movement. Good work, musical theater! And to think I have a place in my heart for both punk and musical theater. That does account for some nasty cheese.

NSFW or broadcast (or performance, when you think about it).

Let My People Come: A Sexual Musical (1974) Original Cast

Opening Number - 3:29
Give It To Me - 2:38
I'm Gay - 2:30
Come In My Mouth - 3:49
Dirty Words - 3:52
Linda, Georgina, Marilyn & Me - 4:08
I Believe My Body - 4:06
Take Me Home With You - 3:45
Choir Practice - 5:10
And She Loved Me - 3:53
Whatever Turns You On - 2:39
Doesn't Anybody Love Anymore - 3:24
Let My People Come - 3:12

via RecordRobot and RockyMusic. Publicity still from ebay

Update: here's The Cunnilingus Champion of Company C. See comments below.

Thanks Clinton!

This Week in Sex: Big White Cock

Big White Cock by Terence Koh. This is the kind of art that makes the people who create culture wars instead of, oh, art, really shoot their wads. Koh's other mixed media sculptures include his semen, blood, piss, and shit. And arty things.

No YouTube Di'n't!  Watch videos that have been deleted from YouTube, which raises the question, How crappy does a video have to be to be deleted from YouTube? If you ask me, they look just as crappy as the regular videos. A new one comes up every time you refresh the page, and though so far I haven't seen anything very racy, let's assume it's NSFW.

File under TMI. High definition porn won't leave much to the imagination, and since porn doesn't leave much to the imagination anyway, we're in a bit of a bind in fantasyland. Hang in there until the cataracts kick in and everything looks dreamy again. For now, porn stars are taking measures to deal with oddly bulging boob jobs, stretch marks, and razor burn. Apparently, cellulite can stay. "[S]ome cellulite is not necessarily a bad thing," said director Robby D., who is obviously never going to be photographed from behind. "It's kind of sexy."

You would think the big news in musical condoms would be the impending debut of 50 Cent's new rubber line, but it's really about musical condoms. Before you get too excited (like some of us did), and have your long-held musical condom dreams crushed (sigh), read the fine print. It's just a CD packaged with some condoms, but it sounds better when the marketing people say it: "The Idom’s Exotica, Chocotasy and Loveberry brands come with CD compilations of chillout, acid jazz and dance music." I say the combination of breakfast cereal flavors and W Hotel music makes me want to hurl.

Three is a magic number. Who can resist a gallery of third nipple piercings? I like the guy lifting up his "Don't Mess with Texas" shirt to show his pierced third nipple. My rule is don't mess with the guy with the pierced third nipple -- the t-shirt is redundant. P.S. For that special formal occasion, and I know they have a lot of them in Texas, Mr. Texas T-Shirt should invest in some nipple covers like Nippits. gallery via nerve

After the jump: Kama Sutra, Palmastura, Me, My, Mo Mutra...Sutra!

This Week in Sex: The Roboeroticescoy Industry

Strange sisters make for great lesbian pulp fiction covers. via MUG

"Space rapture." Playboy bunnies were smuggled on a mission to the moon, producing rapturous waves of giggles all around. Not actual Playboy bunnies. That would be wrong. via BoingBoing

Wonder what's going on at this Russian site with creepy Real Dolls in creepier everyday settings? We asked googlski for a transation [nsfw, none of it]:

"The sad mujcinki-holders lysin, slitting, acne and psychological corrozi-Los wandering the zakoulkam world, in the hope that one day they povstrechaetsa the most korolevna that will always together. Waiting for love (especially when you konek-gorbunok a male) is unbearable and utomluschee. Therefore, some form razuverivschiesa keep quiet before his death and mrut cancer of the heart, never experienced love taste so overcome loneliness, and others go on roboeroticescoy industry."

Especially when you konek-gorbunok a male. I was just saying that to a friend.
Photos by Elena Dorfman.

After the jump: No Pants Subway Ride.

This Week in Sex: Who keeps the metric system down?

Who keeps the metric system down? Gay black masons do.

I love New York, but not that way. New York City is the country's HIV/AIDS capital, and to deal with that we're going to start giving out free condoms, which will be branded like subway lines with color-coded foil packets. Next up: actual full body subway condoms you put on for protection before any mass-transit experience.

Santa's Butt is comin' to town. Confirming my belief that New England is one cranky-ass place, the Maine Bureau of Liquor Enforcement is finally allowing Santa's Butt Winter Porter to be sold just in time for Martin Luther King Day.

We'll leave the light on for you. Of course we all see motel rooms like this and think about renting porn and doing dirty, dirty things. OK, maybe it's just me and the way boring postcards make me shiver with delight. via MUG

You know what would be like so funny? If we filled condoms with flour to look like we were drug traffickers as a joke and I took them on an airplane during my college vacation and got arrested for being a drug trafficker and then sued for having my civil rights violated and got $180k. Who's got the oregano and dime bags for spring break?

Sex education:

• The Catholic Church can resist everything except quoting Oscar Wilde.
• Did Thomas Hardy's wife, crazy-lady Emma Hardy, have syphilis? Poems suggest yes, and we know there's only one way to read poetry, so it's a slam dunk case.
• A hotel ledger provides evidence that supports a long-held suspicion that Freud slept with his sister-in-law. Freud is my hero so just shut up, ok. Shut UP. I can't hear you. Lalalalala. Yay therapy!

Shoe size is everything. Did you know short guys walk on tippy toes when they wear shoe lifts, just like girls in high heels?

News of the nude: Naked yoga, naked dance, naked male church calendar, naked art. Al Gore is right: this global warming shit is having serious consequences. Put some clothes on, people!

Waaah. I want my robot mommy.

This Week in Sex: Pray for Us Sinners

As you should know by now, the chocolate Virgin is not a sex act, but rather a wad of chocolate discovered by a factory worker who thinks it looks like the picture of Virgin Mary she carries. I think it looks like a parrot, but I don't work in a chocolate factory or carry a picture of a parrot or a virgin, so I'll defer to her. Call me an unbeliever, but I'm not seeing the Virgin Mary in the George-Foreman-grill-grease stain, though I do see the resemblance to George. The Virgin Mary turtle is totally adorable, so don't you dare dis it.

Mary's spawn is also in the news: The Jesus oyster was up for sale on eBay, so it has to be real. And it didn't meet the $335 reserve, so you can get it next time. The baby Jesus appeared in an ultra sound, which is great, because usually those things just look like a big grainy smoosh. Luckily, baby Jesus looks like the dad, so however it works out, it's all good. And God Himself is trying to tell us something, but as usual not particularly clearly: The "mystery tree" in Texas leaks "God's water."

And then there's the Golden Hand of Cheesuz. I drove by this thing a dozen times with Greasy Kids Stuff DJs Belinda, Hova and Wah Wah before finally getting out of the car to take a closer look. The look did not solve the mystery of why Jesus was hovering above us as a giant glob of cheesy goo. Finally I decided that Portland is just a small city that likes to put big things, preferably dairy products, like Jesus and milk cartons, up in the air. And I'm OK with that.

This Week in Sex: Dirt

Breast implants may have saved an Israeli woman's life. Shrapnel from a Hezbollah rocket attack was found "just inches" from her heart, trapped in a silicon force field. No word on whether the Israeli army is considering breast implants for the military.

Panty raid. I thought it was just kooky that Portland, Oregon panty thief Sung Koo Kim may face nine to eleven years in prison for stealing thousands of pairs of underwear from college dorm rooms, laundry rooms and campus-area apartments. But the funny stopped when I got to this:

When investigators searched Kim's Tigard bedroom, they found more than 3,400 pairs of underwear and other pieces of women's clothing, along with dryer lint and human hair, marked with information as to where the clothing was taken, and stuffed into boxes, duffel bags and backpacks. His home computer contained more than 40,000 pornographic images, mostly depicting rape, torture and killings.

Hang on..."His attorneys said psychiatrists who interviewed him indicated he was not violent but suffered from depression and an underwear fetish." Funny back on!

How to get out of jury duty in Brooklyn: jack off behind the vending machine. Downside: summonses for disorderly conduct, public lewdness and destruction of government property (the room's green carpet), and up to a year in prison and a fine if convicted. But still, no jury duty.

Famous trials. Don't try to wank your way out of these. On the docket: Oscar Wilde, Lenny Bruce, a dingo, a monkey, a preschool, the number 7, and P.S., Jesus. via MUG

Fat celebrities. TWiS is a celeb-free zone, and also a making-fun-of-fat-free-zone, but we make a rare exception for photo-shopped fat celebs, because that's a whole 'nother thing.

The wonderful world of nature:

• Lovesick manatees, New York manatees: it's the summer of the manatees. Next: Manatees on a Plane?
• No more fun with the dead eel toss.
• Transexual hen: Anne Boylen, formerly a hen, grew a rooster comb and tail and pisses off rooster Henry III.
• Psychic predicts panda pregnancy.
• Dog wigs. "For any dog that has feeling, you know, a sexy dog."

This Week in Sex: You Can Quote Me

"You ate the food, you drank the wine, do the right thing." Let's say you're on a date. The check comes. You offer to split it, but the guy picks it up. You like him and you think you want to go out with him again, but you go out of town, and before you can make plans, he hits you up for your half of the bill. The guy is Darren, the girl is Joanne, and they are this year's Internet It couple. Read the email trail, or listen to Darren ask Joanne to pay, threaten to issue a summons and call her employer, confirm that he is not letting this go (duh), and tell her that he is asking China Grill to follow up with her (all .wav files, also on site with emails). Think it can't be true? Oh, I think it be. The JDateyness of it is giving Mel Gibson a woody.

"This is the epitome of community service." Or as CNN.com put it, "Boy George gets hot, stinky karma" for falsely reporting a burglary. When the cops came, they found cocaine. George's community service will be cleaning city streets for the sanitation department, not performing a charity concert as he had hoped. Which goes to show that criminals only learn how to be better criminals after they get through the system--he's just going to know how to clean up better before the cops come.

"Inappropriate clothing worn so close to a river 'could provoke dangerous temptations and behaviour.'" There's a new 38 euro penalty for going nude, topless, or in a thong on Paris Plage, the summertime beach along the Seine. I can't figure out if it's pro-rated per naked body part, but the order forbidding the exposure of flesh says "Behaviour must conform to good morals, tranquillity, safety and public order," so it seems easy to enforce, like obscenity laws.

"We know from talking to patients and clinics that there is only one active sperm donor covering the whole of Scotland." Sperm donors are in short supply since the British government decided to let children find out the identity of the donors. The good news is that it will be really easy to track down your dad, since there's just the one guy.

"Said John Wank Miller, supervisor of Baltimore's marriage license department: 'The annotated code of Maryland gives you a definition of marriage that has nothing to do with animals.'" I just wanted to quote a guy whose middle name is Wank. If something is your middle name, you can leave it out, right? But if it's Wank, why would you? The article is supposedly about some hipsters who had a mock wedding to their Chihuahuas and tarantulas to make some unclear political point and drink Yuengling, but to me it's all about John Wank Miller, supervisor of Baltimore's marriage license department.

This Week in Sex: Hillary's Bust

The Presidential Bust of Hillary Rodham Clinton: The First Woman President of the United States of America will be officially open for public viewing on August 9 for a limited six week run at the Museum of Sex.

The piece is by Daniel Edwards, who you may remember from the unavoidable Britney-giving-birth-on-a-bearskin-rug.

Edwards gets inspired by the best things. According to the press release:

Edwards’ inspiration for the piece was derived from actress Sharon Stone’s controversial quote earlier in the year about challenges that would most likely be encountered should the Junior Senator from New York run on the ’08 ticket. “I think Hillary Clinton is fantastic,” Stone said. “But I think it is too soon for her to run. This may sound odd but a woman should be past her sexuality when she runs. Hillary still has sexual power and I don’t think people will accept that. It’s too threatening.”

Shouldn't Hillary-inspired-by-Sharon have an icepick?

See also: penis painting of George Bush.

Thanks Dylan!