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February 22, 2005



re: "[T]he FCC may actually be forced to clarify the term 'indecent.'"

ugh. The taxonomy of such an endeavor ... where to begin?

Thirty Ought Flavors of F-U-C-K

a. Let's start with good 'ol "fuck," shall we? It's not just for breakfast anymore, as it were. This versatile reference is preeminent amongst exclamations. Nothing else describes the agony of miscalculation more clearly. It implies seriousness, however absurd, above all other attempts to state as much. When you want someone's attention on no uncertain terms, fuck is the word. Sincerely, if you knew only one word in the English language, this should be the one. In fact, whole sentences making universal sense can be contrived using almost nothing but "fuck" (e.g. "Fucking fucked fuck-[noun], fuck!" or the classic, "fuck, Fuck, FUCK!"). Rarely has so little been able to say so much.

b. But it doesn't stop there -- in fact, it didn't even start there. "Fuck" was originally a vulgar reference to the act of copulation and one which clearly discarded all pretense of reproductive intent. Due to its versatile and often hostile nature, however, "screw" is typically substituted to imply a scant seasoning of emotional sterility. Thus, "to fuck," "to have been fucked," or to simply be (or to have been) a [dumb/lousy] "fuck[ed]" asserts the lowest form of discourse possible, whether sexual or otherwise.

c. Incorporating exclamational potency and virulent disregard is the reply disguised as a statement: fuck you. Somewhere along the way, we must've borrowed the grammatical nuances of Spanish (or maybe Japanese) to contrive this exertion. Think, "go to hell," when using this phrase and dress it up with a twist or two: fuck you, you [adjective] [noun (i.e. bastard/bitch/asshole)]. Or, if you want to get really creative, revert to standard English grammar practices and spell it all out: fuck off and die [you] [adjective] [noun]. Now, for a triple scoop whammy, I would be remiss to not suggest "fuck off and die [you] fucking fucked fuck." The repetition and diversity will not leave your recipient guessing.

[To here numerous examples of #s 1 and 2, listen to Chris T. and Raad_Man go at it during the kcik-off Republican segment of the RNC Remix.]

d. Sometimes words aren't enough. If someone yells "FUCK" in the forest and noone is there to hear it, did the expression make a sound? Lucklily, you don't have to answer this because there is also a -- might I add, universally known -- hand sign/symbol for "fuck." To make it, fold your fingers into a fist and point your knuckles to the intended recipient. Next, raise your middle finger and, if possible, push the knuckles of the adjacent fingers forward so as to accentuate the phallic nature of this symbol. No, guys (and applicable transgenders), this is not a good way to pick up dates. Ironically, the digital phallus accomplishes everything that item "c" does without saying a word which makes it especially popular in traffic. Use with care.

With the basic flavors covered: strawberry, chocolate, vanilla, and rocky road, let's quickly explore the numerous fucking variations.

f. "Fucking aye!" Light and poppy, this expression conjures little but expounds upon the proverbial "wow" with an edge more intimate sincerity. {Fucking [great/genius/etc.]}

g. "What the fuck?" Shifting entirely away from accusation and positive explanation, this phrase renders the uttered in a disposition of sheer befuddlement for that which is being witnessed. Individuals named Charlie get an unfair rap with this one as it is often, albeit lamely, rhymed with "Chuck," as in, "What the fuck, Chuck?

h. "Fuck this shit." Collaboration with its cussing cousin make this phrase an exhortatation of disgust unequaled in determination. Of course, the demonstrative "this" may alternate with "that" as is applicable.

i. Who the fuck am I to [...]? The real question here is: what "the fuck"? "The fuck" serves to profoundly modify their subjects. The dry, almost rhetorical, "where are we?" is super-stated as "where the fuck are we?" and demands explanation. The litany of routine inquiries all benefit from "the fuck: Who the fuck is that? What the fuck are you doing? Why the fuck are we doing this?

In summary, some letters to our congresspeople: if you see K., tell it like it is and shoot your mouth off with the most important word in the English language!


God will curse the F*** word users.


Try adding "of" to some of the "the" phrases:

What of the fuck is this.
Why of the fuck are we here.
How of the fuck did we get here?
Where of the fuck is this? (releasing the word "from" of its usual duties - as in, where from the fuck is this? normally spoken Where in the fuck is this from? changes to Where of the fuck is this? Almost Bard-like, if you Will)

Unfortunately, "When" can't borrow the magic of "of" when using "fuck": it's still When the fuck is this? Not when of the fuck is this - that just doesn't make sense. Also, "How" is probably not going to work with "of the fuck", either.

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