Look at those two on the left. Jesus, is there even a shred of J-Lo's soul left from her deal with the Dark Lord?
One of the so-called highlights from last night's Grammy Awards featured Jennifer and her obviously more talented husband Marc Anthony trapped in what appeared to be the set from Neil Simon's Same Time Next Year. I was imagining that it would've been much more effective if they had performed the same song in one of those dioramas from the Museum of Natural History's Mesozoic exhibits. The tone-deaf Ms. Lopez as the unwitting next meal for a wild boar or a komodo dragon would have surely brought the crowd to their feet.
I like it best when the Grammy recipients are humble but not apologetic. The group Maroon 5 apologized to fellow nominee Kanye West for winning the Best New Artist award. Siddown, wusses! John Mayer wrote a good song, won Song of the Year, and kind of shrugged there onstage, still trying to convince Columbia record execs that it wasn't a good choice for a single. Gospel rapper Kanye West won for best album and didn't thank Jesus all that much really, but I thanked Jesus for not letting Kanye have his posse onstage with him, which would've been a tight fit anyway with the guy's raging ego and all.
Ray Charles may be cold in the ground but that's not gonna stop Universal from wringing every last drop of publicity they can from his name to sell some more dvds and cds. The Grammy committee made sure Ray won the big awards in the name of love and nostalgia.
There were a few standout baffling moments in the show last night. Melissa Etheridge's baldness was one of them but was later explained by her recent chemo treatments. All the poison therapy in the world couldn't clarify why Ellen DeGeneres was wearing an Iggy t-shirt or who green-lighted that sad excuse for a mash-up musical intro or the embarrassing Tsunami relief group rendition of "Across The Universe", or why Sheryl Crowe is like the Anna Kournikova of music, initially full of promise, now relegated to sucking at the game, dating famous dudes and displaying her abdominal muscles.
As much as we all love the confederate flag, nascar and our weekly Klan meetings, I sure hope last night's seemingly endless Southern Rock tribute featuring Lynyrd Skynyrd closed that hellraiser puzzle box up for another couple of decades at least.
I liked when Loretta Lynn and Jack White won for Best Country Album. Either I missed the winners for the "alternative" categories because I was switching back and forth between Arrested Development to catch Liza Minelli and The Surreal Life to see Chyna and Marcus Schenkenberg or maybe that part of the awards just wasn't shown on t.v. Oh, hell, I really didn't care about seeing Wilco accept awards especially since they beat out The Shins' Chutes Too Narrow for Best CD Packaging, so screw those guys!
I nominate "Jesus in Silhouette" as all-time surreal Grammy moment.
In case you missed it, it came during Kanye West's "Jesus Walks" performance. At the end, a big white sheet descended from the rafters and was lit up from behind. Jesus appears, kneels and opens his arms to welcome Kanye, who falls into Our Saviour's loving embrace. I couldn't help but think of...
Woman: You try to raise your kids as secular humanists, but these showbiz types keep shoving religion down our throats!
Boy: Mommy, why wasn't I baptized?
Woman: You see? YOU SEE???!!!
(From The Simpsons episode "Homer & Ned's Hail Mary Pass")
One other observation: who's the genius that decided to pack the auditorium with screaming kids, the kind who NEVER SHUT UP?! Is this MTV awards show spill-over? Because it's all Viacom, right? I just can't stand that you can no longer hear the performance for all of the hoopin' and hollerin'.
Bitch, bitch, bitch...
Posted by: Chris T. | February 14, 2005 at 02:44 PM
I missed the Grammys? I depend on WFMU (and not just broadcasts--I regularly check the blog and the message board and the homepage) for my music news. And not a word about the grammys. Not one. So I missed it.
Thanks.
Posted by: Listener_Paul | February 14, 2005 at 03:18 PM
However, I did manage to catch Kelly Clarkson as the musical guest on Saturday Night Live. She sings way better than J-Lo.
Posted by: Listener_Paul | February 14, 2005 at 03:19 PM
Pseu is corrected by Monica Lynch via videophone, who was live backstage at the grammys:
"Actually, the duly titled Ray Charles album Genius Loves Company, is a marketing partnership between Starbucks and the Norman-Lear-owned Concord Jazz label. FYI, Brian Wilson is really tall. REALLY TALL! But not as tall as T-Bone Burnette. But much taller than that Green Day guy. In fact, you could stack three Billy Joe's high and not be as tall as John Mayer."
We look forward to a full Height Report from Monica soon!!
Posted by: Pseu Braun | February 14, 2005 at 04:35 PM