Harrowing Goddamn Airports

I've been fortunate enough to visit five countries and a bunch of far-away US cities in the last few years, mainly due to the relatively cheaper airfares that have been available (though who knows for how long). Flying has always been a love-hate affair for me; I mean it's exciting and all, but for every event like seeing the Grand Canyon at 35,000 feet in clear weather like I did two weeks ago, there's been a screaming kid who would begin shrieking the second our flight pulls back from its gate at Newark and stops the second the plane pulls up to the gate at London's Gatwick 6 hours later. It's a real test of nerves, and I can never ever sleep, let alone focus on such great epics as Starsky and Hutch (and for some reason Iberia is very fond of Simone). I have a relatively good understanding of aerodynamics, so I know that a plane isn't just going to fall out of the sky, but the cold hard reality is that you are basically sitting in an unnaturally bouyant metal can filled with bodies and luggage, breathing other peoples' recycled air, while enormous amounts of flammable liquid are gobbled into more metal cans that droop from a wing to hopefully belch air fast enough to push the whole deal fast enough to take flight and stay there. And landing is the worst part, especially when you consider some of the quirkier aspects of some of the world's airports.

  LA GUARDIA: This fucking place should have closed 30 years ago. It was originally made for DC-3s to land, and was basically built on a riverside bend where the Long Island Sound goes into Hell Gate. It's so crowded on the tarmac you can't swing a cat, and the runways are 7,000 feet (JFK has one 15,000 feet), barely enough to get your average mid-range jet off its ass. Go ahead and watch from a Mets game across the street and see some heavily-loaded 767 get up; the tail almost scrapes the wall at the runway's end. And if it's snowing or icy, forget it. You're gonna take off and find yourself a minute later in the exercise yard on Riker's Island (why do you think they put that place right in front of the runway). On the other hand, if you're landing, you get to see what Astoria people are cooking on their grills in their backyards as you bounce off the roof of a car on the Grand Central. You've got a better chance navigating around the oil refinery towers coming into Newark or taking your chance with the giant flocks of engine-clogging birds around Kennedy. (Above: Mets Locker room gets unexpected visitor, and it's not Kim Cattrall.)

McCARREN/LAS VEGAS: Sure, it's dry, hot, has long runways and plenty of space. But the idea of a guy putting up Celine Dion's marquee letters having to hold on for dear life to avoid jet blast is a scary concept. It's the desert, does the airport have to be a block from downtown?

GIBRALTAR: Saw this place on a recent visit to Spain; since it's a tiny, British-held property on the very southern tip of Spain where the Mediterranean begins and is only like a mile from Africa, it's a crammed little joint. Hence, the airport, a mere 1/2 mile from downtown, has town's main drag cutting right across the airport's runway (see left of the monkey, who may or may not be directing the traffic). So basically, if you run a red light, you might be massacred by a 300 ton airliner.

LAX: Jesus Christ, every landing almost hits the Go-Go Burger sign on Sepulveda Blvd., and at night because people want noise abatement in their neighborhoods, planes have to take off and land over the ocean which means they face each other in the air coming in and out. Besides it being super busy, there's about 6000 little airports (OK, an exaggeration) in the LA area full of private-pilot nitwits like John Travolta (who has buzzed houses with his 707 for a laugh), including Van Nuys, which is almost as busy as Chicago for movements. So there's like 100,000 yahoos flying around the area at a given time. Fly into LAX and pray that Cameron Diaz hasn't decided that she wants to be a private pilot the day you are coming in.

ST.MAARTEN: Some genius decided it would be a good idea to plop a public beach right at the end of this airport's runway, so you literally can have your ass blown into the sea from exhaust from 747s coming in and out of this Dutch-owned Caribbean island (which has some fairly heavy loads coming in from Europe). Jets apparently have to gun it for dear life to get up too, and there's drunk tourists flanking  the very-nearby hotel pool (right) throwing beercans at taxiing planes all day. Who needs that?

KAI TAK/HONG KONG: Though closed in 2000, and I haven't been here, this joint deserves a special mention just for its mere existence. Built on a manmade strip of land in Hong Kong's Kowloon Bay, the mountainous approaches from one end are not even the tip of the iceberg compared to the landside  approaches to the single runway on the other side. Basically, pilots have to look for the fucking MOUNTAIN coming up in front of the plane with a giant checkerboard plastered on the side, which indicates they have to do an immediate, kamikaze-like bank to the right while divebombing over hundreds of apartment buildings pointing almost 45 degree angle, almost tearing clotheslines down off of roofs with landing gear. Sometimes 747s didn't even have a chance to straighten out before landing (as shown on the right documenting touchdown with the plane's ass way left of the center line of the runway), or had to go up and around again to try it a second time. Basically it was like the equivalent of landing in the middle of Houston Street. Friends who have made this trip talk about the barfbags a-plenty in cabins during final approach, though amazingly the safety record for this place has been pretty good. Still, what the hell?

UPDATE: Listener Harry provides LAX report of John Travolta almost hitting a Delta flight in June 2002 on the way in to land (he was told to go around, ignored the command and made a beeline to uncleared runways instead). Way to go, Vinnie!

Comments

[Listener James from Westwood]

On the topic of McCarran in Las Vegas -- You're actually landing very near the South Strip when you arrive at McCarran. The district called Downtown, which was the original cluster of casinos built in the first spasm of gambling construction in the early 1900s, is actually north of the northernmost hotel on the Strip, the Stratosphere. Geographically it really ought to be called Uptown, but there you go. An errant pilot is more likely to smack into the Luxor or the venerable Tropicana than the crouched confines of Downtown's grody grind joints.

All of this is less of a nitpick than some self-reassurance from a man who (a) will be in Vegas this Wednesday and (b) hates plane landings, regardless of airport. The whole rest of the experience I don't mind; it's the landing that causes all of my faith in aerodynamics, pilot skill, and odds against an incident to go straight down the crapper.

[Bruce]

Ah air travel makes me nuts, I'm like william Shatner on that episode of The Twilight Zone. I dont know why just have always hated to fly. I dont know if its being cooped up for hours or the whole recycled air thing. But probably that I'm in ahuge metal object with just two wings

[mike]

Your comments on LaGuardia are why I always use Newark Airport. When I see the bright IKEA lights, I know I'm home.

Don't forget the San Diego International Airport - it's right there in the city, and you practically graze the tops of surrounding buildings as you land.

[Paul Roub]

Funny stuff... Patrick Smith (of Salon's "Ask The Pilot" column) has talked about a number of these as well, and points out that some aren't as bad as you might think. His columns are listed at http://dir.salon.com/topics/p_smith/

[Harry]

Re: LAX
That's an In-n-Out Burger, not a Go Go Burger...

And who told you about John Travolta the Jet Jockey (TJTJJ or JT707)? I was standing at the corner of Century and La Cienega when that contraption flew over our heads in a steep bank at 600 feet!!!

A 707 is a stage II aircraft and not allowed at LAX but FAA gave him special permission to land there to do a commercial for Quantas. On approach he lined up on the wrong runway, almost hit a Delta 737, and instead of aborting the approach as instructed he did this amazing, death-defying manuver and landed on the north runway complex.

Had any other pilot done that, they would be lucky to be allowed to use a skateboard in public. JTTJJ has now been certified to fly 747s.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

[Brian Turner]

I think it was actually a Long Island community that Vinnie Barbarino buzzed, if I recall, I merely included him in the LAX paragraph as speculation on the fact he would probably be there doing it too. I am glad (or horrified) to hear that I was right.

[drewo]

But for early morning escapes, or late night returns, from Manhattan and most parts of Brooklyn, Laguardia can't be beat. From lower Manhattan via the W'burg Bridge at about 5:30am, it's only 15 minutes by taxi.

[jim]

Check out http://www.aviationpics.de/
for some amazing Kai Tak & St Maarten landing photos.

[hstencil]

landing at Kai Tak is great! one of the impressive things about the bank turn is not only is it just above apartment buildings, but apartment buildings in sham sui po, aka the part of hk with one of the highest population densities on earth. good times.

[MrBaliHai]

Yup, I remember landing at Kai Tak back in the early 70s in one of the first 747s. We came so close to the office high-rises you could see people in their offices working!

[skrike]

you should check out the strip on catalina island, a straight shot over from LAX, its not a major airport so it probably doesnt count, but they built the runway at the top of a fucking cliff, if you look down before landing you can see plane wrecking from pilots who didnt quite make it. good times, try the buffalo burgers.

[bo bice]

BT,

Have you ever landed in Linburgh Field is San Diego or watched plans land. Talk about almost clipping the 5 Freeway . . . its freaky to drive as jets are about 100 feet overhead.

[Brian Turner]

I do remember a news report on some 6-story parking garage in San Diego that people thought was in jeopardy cuz jets were almost clipping it -- the reporter was on the roof and totally diving for cover.

[jneil]

If this article is getting you *hot* -- but you don't have the cash or the stomach to visit these airports in person -- you're in luck:

http://www.justplanes.com/airportdvd.html

Here's the Kai Tak and St. Maartens DVDs:
http://www.justplanes.com/HKG.html
http://www.justplanes.com/SXM.html

Still too pricey? Lose your lunch for free here:
http://www.aviationpics.de/appr/app.htm

[Floresti]

As a native New Yorker who currently lives and travels around the world, I've seen some really shitty airports and wonder why I continually put my life in the hands of those who don't know shit about building and maintaining airports. Yes, LGA does make me bite my nails or get loaded as to deal with the landing but it's nothing compared to the Lagos, Nigeria airport, Muhammed Murtala. The runway is riddled with potholes. Yes, potholes...and not the type that makes you feel a bump and you careen down the runway but huge holes that when you peer into them you can see straight to hell. Which in Lagos is a local call.

[Juan de Padilla]

My personal pick is Madeira's (FNC) airport.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Flughafen_Madeira_1.jpg