How To Break Up With Your Bad, Scary Boss

I received a message last week from a former co-worker, a truly sweet, humane and talented woman, requesting my advice.  She was poised to give notice of her resignation to her boss, a complex character whom I know all too well, as I gave him my own resignation notice last fall after almost four grueling years of employment.  Now lots of people hate their jobs, but this place, and this man, were no joke.  I performed several burning parchment rituals over the years in an unsuccessful attempt to quash or at least diminish this fucker's psychological power over all of us.  But his will was more iron than mine at the time, and may still be.

I got my ass out of there, and the task before me now was to help my dear friend extricate herself with a minimum of misery and anxiety surrounding the proceedings.  I felt that my response to her was worthy of a blog post, and might perhaps be of help to someone else in the Web universe.

(Note that all names (except mine) have been completely changed to protect all parties from possible legal repercussions.)

Dear Friend,

First of all, congratulations.  I personally hate working, so actually looking for work runs counter to my nature, though sometimes it must be done.

"Selling yourself," seeming like a "people person" and a "self-starter," are all activities that threaten to make sane, sensitive, artistic folks like us spontaneously combust in anguish.  So good show, you got out there and you found something.

Take it and run.  This is one of those "Mafia-like decisions" that Bad Boss (hereinafter, "Doug") is so fond of referring to.  Everyone at BadCo knows it's a bloody pit of psychological torture, iniquity and abuse, and none would dare fault you for executing your escape.  You will simply be an inspiration to all; one that “got out.”

If you have doubts about the new place, remember that there's nothing wrong with a "rebound job."  Wherever you're going, I assume it's not a company of less than 20 persons, owned and operated by a psychopath.  It will likely have its share of disappointments and unnerving policies, but it won't be BadCo.  Owners of very small businesses, as we've seen, can write their own rules, and change them at will and on a whim.  Bigger companies are no less evil, but at least in matters of HR, benefits, overtime and general office decorum they are somewhat held to the letter of several laws.

Regarding your resignation-
Yes—submit a written letter of resignation; it eliminates any mystery or subjective interpretation on anyone's part.  You should only include the fact that you will be leaving and the applicable dates.  See this link  <<click on “simplest form”>>

Your resignation letter and face-to-face meeting is not the time for the sharing of any additional, unnecessary information.  Remember—Doug has no legal right to know where you're going or why.  He may invoke his over-reaching, completely illegal non-compete agreement, which we all signed—let him blow off steam about "loose lips sink(ing) ships."  In your case, you're moving to a completely different industry.  This is the truth, so own it, and present it to him as such.  Say, “I’m going into a completely different industry.”  Without proof that you were actually stealing one of his precious client accounts for the benefit of your new company, he cannot do a damn thing to you legally.

As far as what you say to him, your mind is made up, so approach it that way.  Semantics are really important here.  Put your initial statement in such a way that it almost closes the door on any evil persuasion (counter offer.)  "I've accepted an offer from another company" or "I'm going to be leaving the company" are both good opening lines.  If he inquires directly, ala "is there anything I can do, etc.", be simple, direct and non-hysterically to-the-point:  "No, thank you, I've already made up my mind/made a commitment." 

Above all be gracious and respectful.  Give him that nod to authority that strokes his pathetically big and fragile ego.  Make sure that your mind is not cluttered with notions of telling him off (all those things you'd like to say.)  You've put in some hard years there, and you'll feel better about yourself in the long run if no bridges are burned.

If it's absolutely impossible to avoid a little questioning on his part, it's a good idea to highlight another reason for leaving—one that effectively masks "because you're a complete dickhead" both in his mind and yours.  Believe it, and you just might make him believe it too (he'd rather not think you're leaving because you hate him, or because his company culture sucks big time.)  I, for one, used "my wife wants to be closer to her family and friends."  In your case, you might try, "it's a great opportunity for personal advancement; I'll be heading a department."  This is the kind of self-serving logic that even Doug can hopefully respect.

Despite being a maniac, and a caffeine addict with a racing, bipolar mind, Doug is not the Great Satan, with a heart "two sizes too small."  He can still be a gracious diplomat, as he was when I gave him my notice.  He has a finely tuned sense of when he's about to get screwed over, and may already have a notion that your resignation is imminent.  If you're lucky, as I was, he'll also realize that it's too late and there's nothing he can do about it.

Regarding vacation time, I believe that I'd fortunately used up all of mine, so this was not an issue in my case.  I do recall that he tried to rob Mr. Klein of 3 days he had remaining, but I was able to help Mr. Klein draft an email that convinced Doug to pay him for the days after all.  Even if he spitefully pro-rates your last check, you're still getting out of there, he can't touch you otherwise, so remember that.

I hope this helps; please keep me apprised of your progress, and let me know if you need anything else.

That's it.  Magick rituals notwithstanding.

Comments

[squinchy]

Excellent post. I'm curious as to the nature of this company, i.e. was it a large fortune 500 conglomerate or small or mid-sized monster?
I had a really crazy experience not so much with resigning but working in a hostile and chaotic environment in a mind-numbingly boring job in which I was given a 'final warning' memo for a goof that I had made (and owned up to and vowed to correct.) As this was in the kind of large company that had an employee's manual, I looked into the procedure by which employees can be terminated and realized my manager was making it up as she was going along. So I refuted the final warning memo in a long a meticulously detailed memo of my own which documented the chaotic and hostile environment, demanded a representative from human resources be present at all meetings I have with management and threatened possible legal action (after all--they besmirched my professional character!) Really my goal was simple: I wanted to be sure that I generously shared some of the discomfort I was being subjected to. It was satisfying insomuch as they did NOT expect this, and right after I sent the email I got to see all the muckity-mucks scramble around from one office to another, meeting behind closed doors...
These experiences are ulcer-inducing but you learn some valuable lessons from them.

[WmMBerger]

Thanks-
This was a very small company, owned and run by 1 man who re-wrote the rulebook (which was all in his head) daily. I've said too much already...

[ibeam, aka - Mr. Klein (actually it's spelled differently)]

Wonderfuly accurate!

[Sensei Rebel]

It wouldn't have helped this boss to see the error of his ways if you just called him a dickhead?