I'm A Cliche

If there's one thing I've always tried to avoid in life it's being a cliche. But my travels around Manhattan this month have me convinced that all tourists should die.

I hate hating tourists. I want to be the kind of man who'd gladly welcome them to the place where I spend most of my week: "Thanks for visiting New York!", I said, waving politely. I want to be that kind of man... but I'm not. I long to have a better nature, be more tolerant, more patient... and then it gets hot like this, like a huge blowdryer is trained on you constantly and you just want to kick the guts out of every tourist you see.

August is the absolute worst. They come in from everywhere. From Europe, from China and Japan... and from Bumfuck, USA. From New Jersey and all-over the tri-state area. They stumble, dazed, through the Port Authority, spilling out onto Eighth Avenue blinking their eyes at the bright lights. They stand around in packs, figuring out which way to go next. They get on the bus, ask a bunch of questions and step off again. Or they decide to ride and don't have change or a MetroCard, so they thrust two one-dollar bills at the driver, like he's gonna stick them in his pocket. Once they find some sucker who'll cough up change, they refuse to move to the back of the bus. They cluster near the rear door, whole families, every one of them wearing a fanny-pack. And they just won't move when it comes time. They can't get out of the goddamn way. If there's an unofficial slogan in New York, it's this: "KEEP IT MOVING".

See? I've become a cliche. I'm complaining about tourists. I disgust myself. I should be talking about how much money they pump into the economy, how they make New York a world-class city, a truly international destination. But BOY do tourists SUCK.

I'll stop now.

Comments

[James]

Chris --

I don't want to hate tourists, either. But I work in midtown, a few blocks away from Times Square, and I know to simply avoid the 42nd St area at all times. The visiting I don't mind, but my experience is that most tourists simply insist on walking or standing abreast instead of single file, making it mind-numbingly difficult for anyone trying to get to their job to move around that area.

[Listener James from Westwood]

I used to work at 46th and 6th, and I took the NJ Transit bus into the Port Authority as well, so twice daily I had to traverse Times Square, until I learned to stick to 41st St. and 6th Ave. and not bother with the Crossroads of the Tourists. Wednesdays are murder for anyone trying to go through Midtown, because Wednesdays are matinee days, and the streets are awash with theatergoers who don't know a goddamn thing about queueing up efficiently. I also would struggle with the thought that I should be kind to folks who are generously dropping money into the city economy by way of the Disney Corporation and Mel Brooks, but this thought was frequently counterbalanced, when confronted with unruly whiners vomiting forth from tour buses and in the way of my escape from New York, by my ardent desire to scoop them out of my path a la Soylent Green.

I now work 30 blocks downtown, ironically in the old Inland Terminal of the Port Authority, and the difference in crowd demographics is like night and day. Barely any tourists in south Chelsea, hard by the Meatpacking District (and I leave well ahead of the drinking crowd's nightly influx) and the fringe of the Village. More dogs and trees, and far fewer backpackers and Lion King–bound lumpenfräuen from the suburbs. Bliss.

[craig]

"i hate toursits; tourists suck. it's only their daughters i wanna fuck..."
-the freeze

[DAVID MOON]

HEY CHRIS, YOU ARE VERY OBSERVANT ABOUT TOURIST, AS ANY LOCAL IS ABOUT OUTSIDERS. BUT ANY PERSON WHO IS YOUNG AND COOL, AS I PRESUME YOU ARE, WILL LOOK AROUND THEM AND SEE THE WORDL MOVE LIKE MAPLE SEARUPE WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE VODKA. EXAMPLE: THE OTHER DAY I WENT TO SEE THE MOVIE JUNGEBUG IN PASADENA CALIFORNIA. I HAD TO MAKE MY WAY ACROSS THREE TUBS OF SELF SATISFIED TUBS OF LARD TO GET TO MY SEAT. I ACTUATLY APOLIGIZE AS IF I WAS IN A HOSPITAL. WHEN THE MOVIE WAS OVER THE BIGEEST TUB OF LARD WAS SO SLOW ANS POMDEROUS GETTING OUT OF HER SEATR I COULD HAVE HARPOON HER.
ENOUGH!
WE ALL HATE EVERYONE EXCEPT OUR FRIENDS. IF SOME FAT GIRL, WHO ACTED LIKFE A TOURSIT, WAS GIVING YOU "OUTERCOURSE" YOU WOULD FORGIVE HER ALL HER NON-NEW YOURK FAULTS.

[Langguth]

Personally, I love travelling! Hope noone has been ever irritated by myself as a tourist...