WFMU's Beware of the Blog

FCC Investigates Stern

Howard Stern may be concluding his broadcast radio career in the red. The FCC received a complaint about a February 2005 broadcast of Stern's program from Miami lawyer Jack Thompson*, who objected to a segment featuring female porn stars golfing with dildos strapped to their foreheads, followed by the women singing "Amazing Grace" with sausages down their throats.

Howard Stern's program on Clear Channel was slapped with a $495,000 indecency fine for a sexual discussion meeting Thompson's disapproval in April of 2003 (click to read the program's transcript, as filed with the FCC). Prior to that, the Howard Stern Show received an indecency fine of $27,500 in 2001 for graphic descriptions of sexual and excretory nature. Frustrated with FCC restrictions and Clear Channel's internal indecency filters, the morning host will move his show to satellite radio on January 1, 2006. More on Stern's indecency evasion here.

Thompson's most recent complaint arrives at a very strategic moment... The backlash resulting from Janet's nipplegate incident in January of 2004 led to an unprecedented influx of FCC complaints last year, followed by the largest issuance of indecency fines on record. This year, we've heard nary a peep out of the FCC concerning indecency. Plenty of warning signals have emerged during these quiet months, however: the Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act made waves in the House but quickly vaporized upon reaching the Senate floor, the FCC endured a change in leadership pointed toward tightening indecency standards, and most recently the commission hired a conservative activist as a policy advisor. Will the FCC now resurrect the deflating indecency issue to set the stage for a fine-hike and another crackdown in 2005, using Howard Stern as their whipping-boy?

* Before his battles with Howard Stern, Jack Thompson made enemies with 2Live Crew in 1989, leading the campaign against the album As Nasty As They Wanna Be, which was ultimately deemed obscene by the feds. Ice-T was dropped from the Time Warner label in 1992, following Thompson's anti-"Cop Killer" crusade. More recently, Thompson has railed against violent video games, including Grand Theft Auto, Manhunt, The Sims 2, and Killer 7.

Wild Horses

I changed lanes and got onto the exit ramp marked “ASSATEAGUE – 3 MILES” catching sight of myself in the rear-view mirror: three-day heard, drooping eyelids, sunken cheeks, pasty complexion, matted hair, sweaty brow, bloodshot eyes. Over the course of two weeks I’d gone from mild respectability to this: a gin-soaked death’s head melded to the road via steering wheel and gas pedal. From man to monster on a diet of cigarettes, greasy meals and flops at roach-ridden motel rooms.

Mr. Moog is Dead and Dead

When he was 14, Robert A. Moog built his first theremin from a kit in the basement of his house in Flushing, Queens. He described himself as "an electronics nerd," and said he liked building stuff in his basement because "there wasn't too much I could do with the guys at school, other than getting beat up." When he was in college he started a little business selling his homemade theremins and other electronic instruments, eventually including his own Moog synthesizer. Moog-playing musicians helped revolutionize music in the 1960s, and made Robert's last name a household word that pretty much nobody ever pronounced correctly. Last Sunday Robert Moog died of an inoperable brain tumor at his home in Asheville, North Carolina. He was 71 years old.

Do's and Don'ts of NYC Public Art

In the name of discouraging vandalism, Mayor Bloomberg recently nixed a permit for some fashion designer's unrealised block party in Chelsea, which would have featured artists spray painting graffiti onto faux subway car panels. The event's promotors are pursuing legal action against the city in the name of protecting free speech.

UPDATE: The case went before a judge... graffiti prevails over Bloomberg (thanks, Krys O.)

This little clash combined with the 14-year-long perplexing battle over the orange shower curtains in Central Park got me wondering about the filters in place for veto-ing public art displays in NYC. While I couldn't find any steadfast rules governing the selection of works, here are some seemingly objectionable examples of what slipped past the censors:

Canned food replica planter boxes (potential copyright/trademark infringement issue)
Ghetto blaster bench (encourages excess urban noise)
Cars parked on sidewalk (self-evident, illegally parked cars in any city = breeding ground for anarchy)
Lamp shades / chess pieces in the park (encourages bad decorating)
Yellow cartoon elephant (unrealistically benign portrayal of a deadly beast ... thanks Scott)

Courtney and Coogan breed

Far be it for Beware of the Blog to become the source for seedy Hollywood gossip, but the Guardian's confirmation of the coupling of Steve Coogan (star of Factory label honcho Tony Wilson's fantasy/biopic 24 Hour Party People, and the extreme genius Alan Partridge BBC series) with the former Mrs. Cobain is enough to turn our heads today. Courtney reports that a baby is on the way, as of posting, Coogan's management denies all.  The couple are rumored to have had an affair for two weeks in July after meeting in a Hollywood hotel, and according to the article Love (who just re-entered rehab this week) alledgedly told friends "What does it make me look like that I have slept with Alan Partridge? Given the grade A stars I've dated it's embarrassing. I mean...Alan Partridge?" One can only guess that the wooing of the Widow Cobain included taking personal, large dinner plates to all-you-can-eat buffets, and a bedroom display of air bass guitar mime to Level 42 songs.

UPDATE 8/24: COURTNEY NOW ANNOUNCES SHE IS NOT HEAVY WITH PUP

Clear Channel Hi-Jack

Just a few months following the introduction of commercial radio's latest trendy format, SparkNet Communications-owned Jack-FM (which features an "expanded playlist" and smarmy robo-DJ announcers), imitators have pounced into action faster than a Canal St. vendor can hawk the latest Louis purse, and lawsuits are already in progress.

The offender is no Brand X: reaching new lows everyday, media ogre Clear Channel has swiped the trademark Jack slogan "playing whatever we want," and changed it slightly to "playing whatever the hell we want." To further their reputation as big fat poseurs, Clear Channel even registered a URL for one of their (non-Jack) San Diego stations as www.JackFMSanDiego.com. SparkNet is calling them out for infringement.

IN THE WORDS OF P-5

Hello, Everybody--Nice Seeing You Again.

The good news this week is that our friend Dave just got a new dayjob. You may have seen Dave at some of the WFMU record fairs, selling his nifty Savage Monsters posters and puppets, and if you haven’t seen him, you’re just gonna have to buy his merch online, ‘cause we probably won’t be seeing him again. The good news is his new job sounds really interesting and lets him use all his creative talents and pays really, really well. The bad news is that it’s in Cleveland and he’s gonna have to move there.

“Cleveland, city of light, city of magic,” I hear Randy Newman singing in my head, and if I weren’t writing this to you on a Civil War-era iMac running OS 1⁄3 I would hook you up with the mp3 file so you could hear it, too. It’s a song called “Burn On,” about the Cuyahoga River—the river that runs through Cleveland—bursting into flame back in 1969. But that river is always burning. Good old Time magazine once said, “The Cuyahoga oozes rather than flows.”

Cleveland, city of light and the Cleveland Indians. Nice logo, Cleveland! I have never thought of myself as being a politically correct person, but even I find the Cleveland Indians logo appalling, that Sambo-ized Red Man with the shit-eating grin. If you wear a Cleveland Indians cap in New York, you might get away with claiming it’s an ironic gesture, but it you wear one in Cleveland, you mean it.

Ohio was in the news last week when their Governor, Bob Taft, became a convicted criminal.  Convicted Criminal Taft is the great-grandson of Fat Stuck-in-the-Bathtub President Taft. (When I was trapped at the dogfood factory in Dayton last June, I saw an awful lot of Taft-sized people in Ohio. I don’t know what’s going on there, but the people are enormous.) Great-grandson Criminal Taft is the first Ohio Governor to be either charged with or convicted of a crime. After pleading “no contest” to charges of failing to report gifts and golf outings, he was convicted of four misdemeanor violations of state ethics laws, fined $4000, and ordered to write e-mail apology notes to state employees and newspapers to say he’s sorry for his behavior. This is probably the harshest part of the sentence, because Convicted Criminal Taft doesn’t use e-mail. Back in 2002, when he was pushing his Third Frontier project to turn Ohio into “a hub of new technology,” Not-Yet-Convicted-at-That-Time Governor Taft admitted to the Associated Press that he had never sent an e-mail and didn’t even have a computer on his desk. He said he preferred hand-written notes and telephone calls.

I don’t understand getting caught taking golf outings. Golf outings! Is that a euphemism for something else? If I were in a position of power, I would not be selling out my office for a golf outing. At least the Convicted Criminal Governor of Connecticut got some nice home repairs. I think he also got jail time, though, and Convicted Criminal Taft did not. In fact, Taft isn’t even going to leave office. Although in the past he’s forced out some of his minions for ethics offenses, he says those cases were different. Well, they were different—they didn’t involve him. He says he still has important work to do. Maybe he has to go door-to-door with O.J., looking for the missing $300,000 coins.

The State of Ohio, in its infinite wisdom, gave $50 million dollars from its investment fund to a well-connected Republican named Tom Noe so he could invest the money in rare coins and baseball cards. (Baseball cards! Too bad they weren’t looking to invest in comic books, ‘cause I’ve got some old issues of Catwoman   I’d be happy to sell to any savvy Republican investor.) Alas, it turns out that $300,000 worth of gold coins have been lost in the mail. Don’t you hate when that happens? And then about $12 million is just missing, and nobody knows where it is.  Tom Noe—whose strip-mall coin shop went under in 1992, leaving him $16,500 in debt—was contacted at his million-dollar Florida home, but he said he doesn’t know where the money is, either. I wouldn't put my savings (which currently total $204) into rare coins, so how could the state of Ohio think it was a good place to put their $50 million? Why didn't they just buy 50 million dollars’ worth of lottery tickets? Or they could have bought 50 millions dollars’ worth of Amway products and gone state-to-state, selling them to Missouri and Nebraska.

But don’t worry, Ohio—President Bush is there for you. He’s reported to have reacted calmly to Criminal Governor Taft’s conviction, just as he reacted calmly to the results of his personal friend Rafael Palmiero’s drug test. “Governor Taft apologized today, he has paid the fine and said it was a serious mistake, and the President accepts that,'' White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said. So there. And remember which state put Bush over the top in the 2004 election—because he certainly hasn’t forgotten. As our friends Pizzicato Five say: “OHIO!”

Thanks for reading my blog entry, and may God bless.

Purple Mountains Peasantry

While on the job recently for NPR, I attended a Colorado Rockies game with none other than Bob Weston, fellow engineer and Indie-Rock legend. Bob was a member of Volcano Suns, is a member of Shellac and has produced scores of records for Archers of Loaf, The Coctails, etc. He's also worked live sound for Mission of Burma and - according to Jim DeRogatis, remains "one of the most in-demand bass players".

Bob and I were working in Boulder, Colorado for the gameshow Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me (WWDTM) when we found ourselves with a Wednesday night free. We drove into Denver, made our way to Coors Field and beheld the inept wonder that is the Colorado Rockies. It was a beautiful night to sit in a nearly-empty baseball stadium, drink beer, eat hot dogs and ignore the boring action on the field.

It's been years since I've been to a Major League game (I prefer catching the Brooklyn Cyclones or the Newark Bears) and I found myself annoyed at the constant racket coming out of the PA system. Every player has his own "theme" song, every play is yet another cue for a song tidbit, usually lunkhead rock like Jon Bon Jovi. When the crappy rock music wasn't blasting, the in-love-with-his-voice announcer was babbling inanely. I longed for one moment when I might hear the players  (we were just three rows from the field) but it never came. When we finally left I had a mile-high headache and the Milwaukee Brewers had won 2 - 0, racking up both runs in the first inning.

Eugene Mirman Videos

New York comedian Eugene Mirman hosts 18 hilarious videos on his webpage and you should watch them all. Once you're done with those visit his Show & Tell section where you'll find a spot on impression by Stella's Micheal Showalter, and if you're not watching Stella you're mad.

Rock On, Young Punks

A nice big Sunday article on Greasy Kid Stuff in the Oregonian.

Not so nice: only available for 2 weeks online, and mentions me "coming out of the shower" (eeeww).

Also not nice: no pictures online, so here's one of DJ Waah Waah spreading WFMU cooties to the good clean people of Portland. Let's hear it for viral marketing.

March of the Mean Penguins

I haven't seen that March of the Penguins movie in a theater, but I got my mitts on a copy.

I don't think it's that great.

At least it's short (gif).

 

Black Metal Coverboys

Take some style tips from the fashionistas of black metal: Ruthless presents this year's Top 10 Most Ridiculous Black Metal Pics (some images not safe for work). And yes, #1 is that good. You can also check out 2004's list here.

via del.icio.us

Randy "Biscuit" Turner of the Big Boys

Word is just now coming out that Randy "Biscuit" Turner, vocalist and performer supreme of Texan legends The Big Boys has passed away. You can read his obituary here, and visit what will surely become a tribute site in the future right here.

Not being from Texas and also being too young to have experienced the miracle of the Big Boys firsthand, they were a band I discovered -- like many great things -- through the pages of badly photocopied fanzines in high school. Luminaries like Byron Coley, King Coffey (Butthole Surfers), Charles Maggio (Rorschach), Jeff Nelson (Minor Threat), Thurston Moore (Sonic Youth) have all sung their praises over the years for being a band that effectively made unlikely connections between genres (going so far as to perform alongside DC go-go legends Trouble Funk, in addition to all the respected Texan punk bands of the day, who somehow appeared bigger and meaner than the bands from any of the other disconnected scenes I worshipped from afar.)

UPDATE: You can stream a whole mess of Big Boys tracks right here in Real Audio. Be captivated all over again.

This Week in Sex: Meat!

This morning, a guy at work told the whole office about a dream where he created a new sandwich. It was made of a hot dog with rings and rings of calamari on it--he gestured sliding all the rings on. Then all the guys started talking about what condiments would be on it (both mustard and red sauce, if you must know). Am I the only one who thinks they were talking about more than a greasy hot dog with shmutz all over it it? Yes, apparently I am.

It's so hot that you could fry an egg on the sidewalk (you know it's summer when the news desk tricks the cub reporters into trying to do that). And it's also so hot that an art salami left in a pool of water all summer started to get stinky. It got so stinky that they didn't want to keep it around, even as art. 

Meat doesn't grow on trees. It grows in a dish!  We live in a glorious age, when it's possible to grow "something like spam" (which is something like meat) "at an incredibly high cost." The result is supposed to appeal to vegetarians, because it's meat without murder, and carnivores, because it's meat and they love meat, but it will appeal to neither, because it's synthetic meat sludge. Incredibly costly synthetic meat sludge.

Stop the presses...Meat does grow on trees! Magical sausage trees.

No, wait...Meat in a can. I'm sticking with good old meat in a can.

Pig art personality test. I care little for details.

And the wiener is...not you. The Oscar Meyer Ride of Your Life Contest has ended, but you can get Bologna Song ringtones to ease the pain. 

Sausages and prepared meats from A to Z. OK, from A to W(iener). There is definitely a marketing opportunity for sausages and prepared meats in the  X, Y, and Z categories.   

"Send a salami to your boy in the army" has a nice ring to it, but not as nice as "send a salami to every soldier in the 42nd Infrantry Division serving in Tikrit." Operation Salami Drop: “We know there are a bunch of homesick men and women over there, and to be able to do something. ... How do you put words to it? You have to do something. I can do salamis,” Marc Brummer said. Marc Brummer, will you marry me?

Pigs in space. You know the Chinese are sending pig sperm into space, right?

So to recap: Meat sludge in a museum is art. Meat sludge in a lab is science. Bologna is in your phone. Salami is flying to Iraq. Sperm is flying to the moon. But a hot dog in a dream is just a hot dog.

This Week in Sex: Spit, Don't Swallow

Portraits of Paris Hilton, Ruben Studdard, and some other people I don't know who they are, in bubble gum. Because the media, like, chews you up and spits you out, you know?

Most importantly, you can commission a portrait in bubble gum. My holiday shopping is officially done.

The Voice of the People Speaks: Where Have You Gone, Billy Joel?

Yesterday's "Voice of the People" section in the New York Daily News featured this timely letter from Cynthia Ryan of Brooklyn, NY:

"Just wondering if there was a way to persuade Billy Joel to write a sequel to 'We Didn't Start the Fire.'  A lot has happened since it was recorded."

Although I couldn't get through reading this letter aloud to the rest of the staff at the lunch table yesterday without breaking up into that embarassing hysterical laughter where you think you are going to start crying or worse: the truth of the statement is undeniable.

A lot has happened since 1989, when "WDSTF (part one)" reached the #1 spots simultaneously on the Billboard album and singles charts late that year.   Desert Storm, grunge rock, Bill Clinton, the Internet, the Spice Girls, Britney Spears, Rwandan genocide, Red Bull, Enron, W, terrorism, electroclash, WMD, Mountain Dew Code Red and countless other head-spinning events, persons and soft drinks.  How are we to make sense of it all?   Where can we find the perspective we desperately need in this uncertain age, as time marches on and history keeps being made every day?

The Voice of the People knows.  And The Voice of the People has spoken.   We all know who it is who can sort this out for us. 

Billy Joel, you are our only hope.

(Thanks to Liz for hooking me up with Schlock Rock's version of the original "We Didn't Start the Fire" she dug out the the JM In the AM Archives.)

Mime Goes Gospel

Forwarded by Nick Sakes. Hold on to your hats for the animated site intro.

What Really Happened...

...to Natalee Holloway?

How does someone just up and disappear?  Why can't they "tune up" murder suspects in Dutch territories?  How long can a European rich kid keep quiet?  These and other questions may plague us forever, but we can be pretty sure that it's unwise to get drunk in a foreign land and make out with a sadistic rich boy that you just met, however cute he may be.

I would like to see her returned to her family alive and unharmed, but with the passage of time, a positive outcome seems less and less likely.  Still, judging by the seemingly everlasting media coverage of the Holloway case (particularly by the always "compassionate" Fox News), one would think this were a global tragedy of tsunami proportions.  Get some perspective:  In the United States alone, more than one million people are reported missing each year; most of them do not have three Dutch F-16 warplanes with lasers and special cameras looking for them, either.

Chances are good that the Bad Thing has happened to young Natalee.
Running the acknowledged risk of extraordinarily bad taste, I offer these alternative possibilities:

-Shot by disappointed office seeker

-Harem girl at Brunei Palace

-Managing Aruba Denny's

-Drowned self, despondent over Terri Schiavo passing

-Drowned self, despondent over Jackson verdict

-Drowned self, despondent over choice in America's Top Model 2005

You extra-large flunkey, we will transform your country into a sea of fire!

North Korean propaganda taken directly from Pyongyang's Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) is translated into both English and Spanish, and made searchable by handy topics like "human scum" and "imperialist aggressor," courtesy of NK News. Be sure to check out the Random Insult Generator and the Hall of Fame for added entertainment.

via CNET

Which Doobie You Be

DJ Hatch alerts us to U Mean Competitor, a blog oddly preoccupied with Michael McDonald, Cam'ron's Dipset crew and Disney Epcot. If you can fathom what the hell is going on, you'll find links to some great freestyle, mashups, remixes etc. There's even an R. Kelly video with its five parts synched up and played on top of one another. Not for the epileptic among you.