WFMU's Beware of the Blog

This Week in Sex: Dumbass 'R' Us

Butt wait, there's more. A list of things people put up their butts. The medical term for this kind of person: dumbass.

(May I ask where you get a frozen pig's tail? I'm just curious. But not stick-it-up-my-butt curious.)

(I am also curious about "kangaroo tumor." I know I'm not the only one who thinks that's hot. There's at least that one other person.)  [via]

Don't you wish the internet came with instructions? Well, it does. Grab a pen, listen up, and take notes for future reference (mp3).

Take it off all over again. Strippers are back in New Orleans at the recently reopened Déjà Vu club on Bourbon Street. There are no tourists around, but there are plenty of police, firefighters and military personnel, which makes stripping and violating curfew "a public service."

Putting sex on the map. The Museum of Sex is Mapping Sex in America, and you can stick your little pushpin in it. Head to the MoSex site, click on the state where you did or thought or saw the deed, write it down, and regret using your real name.

They found that giant squid nobody believed attacked Captain Nemo in "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea," which you will remember was both a memoir of the famous expedition and a documentary movie. The squid doesn't look that giant. But what's the deal with that giant finger? Don't point that thing at me.

Most turkeys are bisexual. And other impressive true scientific happy hour facts I did not make up. (Also useful as tension-breakers at the family Thanksgiving dinner.)

Why buy when you can rent sex toys?

Don't you wish masturbation came with instructions? Well, it doesn't, but it comes with a thesaurus. And a hands-free option.

Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs stab you in the abdomen. Or seal your vaginal opening with a mating plug. I hate when that happens.

Collect them all. Snuggly syphilis makes bedtime fun! You're gonna love gonorrhea!
(venereal diseases and more thanks to Station Manager Ken)
 

Avant Retard

People Like Us, WFMU's sound collagier and host of the avant-audio montage program, Do or DIY,  is taking a breather during our new schedule (which runs through June 12, 2006) to make time for extracurriculars.

As a consolation to her many fans, PLU is offering up a special hour-long Do or DIY super-mix MP3 download (80 MB), complete with cover art and track listing.

If that doesn't satisfy your cravings, check out WFMU's vast library of archives for Do or DIY.

Shit From an Old Glove Compartment

My Mom rarely throws anything away.  I wouldn't say that she's a hoarder of tragic proportions, not like some you may have read about, but her home is unquestionably a museum of old magazines, old clothes, useless furniture, dried-out magic markers and cat knick-knacks.  "No Surface Left Uncovered," I like to say.  Every once in a while, her hoarding leads to unexpected discoveries, like a plastic baggie full of paper items retrieved from the glove box of the Dodge I drove throughout the early 90s.  As I sorted through them, these papers recalled a tattered reality of past lives, past loves, old friends and past decadence.

I used to have an assortment of little cards like this one, which typically carried a handwritten signature on the back (otherwise it was fairly useless.)  That signature (theoretically) endowed the presenter with the ability to purchase certain "specialized groceries" at said location(s), which would not have been available to the walk-in patron.

"Song For Uncle Wiggly to Sing" - Lyrics that were never musically realized, penned for us by friend and genius painter/performer TJK Haywood aka Wooden Thomas.  His work also adorns the cover of the second Uncle Wiggly LP, Across The Room and Into Your Lap.  Here's a link to Wooden Thomas' web site, and a free mp3 from his milestone album, Age of Aquarium.

Envelope and postcard from Thailand.  Sent by Sari Rubinstein, now The Queen of Rubulad.  Inside the envelope were a personal letter to me, and this glorious postcard of the Wat Chayamangkalaram Buddhist temple in Penang.  The postcard lacked a street address, but was written and addressed in name to my friends Mark Ashwill and Julie Spodek.  I guess I was supposed to hand deliver it.  Note my proto-hip Bedford Ave. address.  Some goateed beatnik no doubt lives there now and pays 4X the rent my roommate and I paid in 1992.

It's Almost Like Not Living Here At All!

I was coming home to Hoboken tonight via the ferry from Manhattan and had to pass the pile of dirt that used to be the Maxwell House factory. Wrapped around the construction site are huge banners proclaiming the future home of Maxwell Place ("On The Hudson"), with the tagline: New York State of Mind, Brand New Sense of Place.

Does that mean this upscale, luxury development will be the future home of people who are ashamed to be living in New Jersey? With this in mind, I suggest some other real-estate slogans:

Hoboken: Nearly Good Enough

New Jersey: Just Passing Through

Home Is Where You Spend As Little Time As Possible

NJ: A Deathtrap, A Suicide Rap - Get Out While You're Young

Now let's hear some of yours...

Van Morrison's Contractual Obligation Album

MP3s: 31 improvised songs from Van Morrison's Bang Records Contractual Obligation Session, below the jump (tracks have been removed by request)

In the great pantheon of contractual obligation records, there is the noisy (Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music), the brassy (Neil Young's This Note's For You) and the phony (Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Record).

And then there is Van Morrison's Bang Records Sessions.

In order to fulfill his obligation to his early solo label Bang Records,Van Morrison sat down in 1967 or so and cranked out 31 songs on the spot, on topics ranging from ringworm to wanting a danish, to hating his record label and a guy named George. Make sure you get past the first few tunes - it takes him a few to get cooking.

Listener Scott S, who originally brought the tapes to our attention in 2001, wrote:

As far as I know, none of this stuff was ever issued in the '60's. I can only surmise at some point in the early '90's, whoever controlled Van's Bang masters ran across the tapes and - either having questionable ethics and/or a twisted sense of humor - licensed the tapes to European labels that were releasing compilations of Van's Bang-era material. I know of at least two double-CD sets that include demo stuff as the second disc - one is Payin' Dues on Charly in 1994, and the other is New York Sessions '67. WIll Rigby told me that he saw a single-disc best-of that actually mixes legit Bang-era Morrison tracks with material from the demos - now that must be an interesting listen. I guess there's irony in the fact that Morrison recorded these tunes as a big fuck-you to his label - before he signed to Warner and recorded Astral Weeks - yet ultimately the joke's on him, now that they're being packaged as legitimate tracks (on "best-of" collections, no less).

Hey - Lerner - Lasst Uns Doch In Ruh'

That's right kids, more german madness.  As if Rapper's Deutsch wasn't enough retarded kraut for ya, here's Another Brick in the Wall, aka Stein um Stein.  This shit is totally evil, especially when the kid's chorus comes in.  A fitting song for the current state of the world.  Enjoy!  I'll see you in hell...

Mud Wrasslin'

If you've never hit up Walter De Maria's New York Earth Room, I suggest you pay this permanent installation a visit. Absorbing the notion that a 3600 sq ft NYC apartment (within the boundaries of Soho's most precious real estate radius, no less) is filled with 2 feet of dirt boggles the mind. It also fills you with a desire to cast your shoes aside and frolic past the observation barrier to feel the soil squish between your toes.

One group of kids documented a mud wrestling fest in the Earth Room (click here to download the video, .mov file), clocking in just under a minute's worth of forbidden glory (you'll find photos of the 2003 Brooklyn Condiment War if you delve further into their site, just beware of the hippie nudity).

De Maria was an experimental recording artist, and self-released an album called Drums and Nature in 1968; click the song titles below to hear them in real audio.
    "Ocean Music" from an archive of Hatch's show
    "Cricket Music" from an archive of Brian Turner's show

Wouldn't It Be Nice—

if Brian Wilson called you on the phone? He will, if you just donate $100 or more to Hurricane Katrina relief through his web site, brianwilson.com. He'll also match your donation dollar for dollar. I figured probably you'd give the money and then get one of those auto-tape calls, like the ones from political candidates that are always clogging up our answering machine at election time, but no—Brian says he will call to say hello, or even answer a question if you've got one. Do you have a question you'd like to ask Brian Wilson personally? I can think of a couple. But you've also got to have the $100.

Hey kids! The National Guard wants YOU to have free MP3's!

Receive 3 FREE iTunes music downloads when you sign up to be contacted by the Army National Guard!

__ Yes, I understand that the Army National Guard will send me information about great new Army National Guard benefits! I also understand that I will be contacted by a recruiter, and that's OK with me!

AlterNet blogger Evan Derkacz has this to say:

Who needs obsolete platitudes like Freedom and Security when you can get free mp3s for letting the National Guard contact you? I mean, it's not like they're just free all over the internet or available for $.99 each at the itunes store or anything...

What I want to know is, if your parents opt you out of the creepy provision in the No Child Left Behind Act that permits the armed forces to access students' records, can a student then override this by signing up for $2.97 worth of Kelly Clarkson singles?

Waiting to Deploy

Hello, Everybody--nice seeing you again.

Here’s how I know that Hurricane Katrina was one of the worst disasters ever to hit this country: They’re willing to use me to help clean it up.

A couple of weeks ago, when the Red Cross said they needed 250,000 volunteers to go down and help the victims of Katrina, I went to their web site to sign up. (www.redcross.org) It turned out they weren’t looking for 250,000 volunteers, they were looking for 250,000 volunteers with specific disaster-response training. I can sort of understand that. I know they don’t want a whole bunch of kind-hearted people showing up and then standing around wondering where they’re going to eat and who's going to give them a place to stay. But I’m pretty self-sufficient and I’ve got skills: My first job in New York was driving a wholesale grocery delivery truck, so I can drive and I can lift heavy things. I know how to change the oil in a car, gap spark plugs, and use an engine timing light, in case somebody has a 30-year-old car that needs that. I know how to knit. I can type about 90 words a minute. I have a vast repertoire of obscure song lyrics and memorized poetry. I’m a pretty good shot with a handgun. I can play the cello. I know how to replace faucet washers and fix the toilet when it runs all the time. In college I had a work-study job that involved performing vasectomies on the rats in the psych lab, so I can do minor animal surgery. I got Red Cross lifeguard certification when I was 16, and Red Cross pet first-aid certification last year. That’s right: I have Red Cross pet first-aid certification, yes I do. And that’s why the Humane Society of the United States seems willing to send me down to Gonzales, Louisiana to clean the cages of the animals rescued from New Orleans.

Last Monday there was an article in the Daily News that said the Humane Society (www.hsus.org) was looking for volunteers to go down to the Gulf and rescue animals who are still trapped, but they also need people to walk and water and feed and clean up after the animals that have already been saved and are being held in the big emergency shelters in Gonzales and in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. The story said “even people without experience can pitch in.” Actually, I do have some experience cleaning cages and all—I was an assistant at a veterinarian’s office for a while in college, too, because back then I was thinking about becoming a vet. I sterilized stuff and ran simple tests and fed and watered  and walked and cleaned up and washed the animals that were being sent home and held the ones that were being euthanized when their owners couldn’t bring themselves to do it. And I do have that Red Cross pet first-aid certification, so send me! Send me! SEND ME!

Radio Cheesecake

 
Once upon a time, radio was sexy. As were zaftig figures, checkered shorts and the Stepping High Dance. From the online archives of the Los Angeles Public Library. Thanks, Mr. Science!

Emergency Alert System Warning on Katrina

I've spent more than my fair share of airtime complaining about the uselessness of the Emergency Alert System - how it wasn't activated on 9/11, or the time it accidentally ordered a one-hour evacuation of the entire state of Connecticut, or how it failed to suggest any course of action (or even mention the word "flood") when the Delaware River swamped towns in Pennsylvania and New Jersey last spring.

But you have to hand it to the EAS' partners at the National Weather Service for their warning on Hurricane Katrina. As the storm headed into the mainland, the agency offered this assesment to broadcasters in three states:

"Most of the area will be uninhabitable for weeks, perhaps longer. At least one half of well constructed homes will have roof and wall failure. All gabled roofs will fail leaving homes severely damaged or destroyed. The majority of industrial buildings will become non-functional. Partial to complete wall and roof failures is expected. All wood-framed, low-rising apartment buildings will sustain major damage, including some wall and roof failure. High-rise office and apartment buildings will sway dangerously... a few to the point of total collapse. All windows will blow out. Airborne debris will be widespread. Power outages will last for weeks as most power poles will be down and transformers destroyed. Water shortages will make human suffering incredible by modern standards. Preparations for evacuations and relief should be rushed to completion."

The message is a rare glimmer of government competence in the sea of ineptitude that Katrina and its aftermath became.

Alas, that is not how Senator Rick Santorum saw it. Santorum introduced legislation (Senate Bill 786) which would make it illegal for the National Weather Service to issue such warnings, putting control of weather forecasts solely into the hands of private companies like Pennsylvania-based AccuWeather, which just happens to be a Santorum donor.

Derek Bailey Interview

Derek Bailey Interviewed by Henry Kaiser, KPFA February 7, 1987 (MP3)

Trumped Up

Donald Trump came to Jersey City yesterday to announce that two big buildings will be built down the street from WFMU. Well, he didn't put it quite that way. Mostly he was fixated on the fact that the big buildings would be so big that they would be the biggest buildings in New Jersey. They'll be 55 and 50 stories big, while WFMU is only 4 stories not-big.

The Trump Plaza amenities include a fitness center, a basketball court, and a rooftop outdoor swimming pool. The WFMU amenities include a lack of fitness, an arcade version of Asteroids that doesn't work, and a basement prone to sewage backups.

Local pols bent over forwards to welcome Trump to the neighborhood. For his part, Trump commented incoherently: "I am the largest developer in Manhattan, and I am coming to Jersey City. So a lot of people come the other way, and I am coming this way, and I am pretty good at predicting trends, so let's hope that's a trend."

The Jersey papers made it sound like Trump was actually developing the property, but 1010Wins says "Metro Homes in Hoboken has essentially paid Trump a licensing fee to use his name on the project." So what we're talking about here are ugly big-ass buildings with ugly big-ass Trump bumper stickers on their ugly big-asses, unlike all the other Trump projects which are...well, just like that.

(And don't you think putting twin towers on the Hudson river and bragging about how tall they are is creepy?)

The $415 million project at Washington and Bay streets will have about 900 condos with prices estimated to start at $525,000. Plans are for groundbreaking in November, completion in fall of 2007.

All for the Cause

In the wake of disaster, who reacts with a speed, power, and fury that no government or charitable organization could ever equal? Who’s PR posse punches the clutch and shifts into 5th before even the President’s people can dig up a bewildered child, an eyedropper, and a photographer? Sure, we may sigh with sympathy upon reading devastating headlines and send money to a charitable organization, but only the proper spokesperson can move us... to collectively... burst into song.

I was floored upon reading that Prince hastily recorded not one, but TWO songs for Katrina relief just 5 days after the storm hit New Orleans (less time than it took Sean Penn to get down there with his leaky boat). Meanwhile, Jacko is still collecting a high-profile cast for his Katrina charity single. It sure ain’t 1985 anymore, but in the coming weeks pop music’s A-listers will prove whether a modern-day charity celeb coagulation a-la-USA For Africa is still possible.

Below is a truncated history of charity song superhits (a more extensive list is here):

India-Pakistan War Refugees
- “Bangla Desh” by George Harrison, The Concert for Bangladesh, 1971

Ethiopian Famine Relief
- “Do They Know It’s Christmas” (real audio, click to hear the song played backwards from an archive of Mark Allen's show) written by Bob Geldof for Band Aid, Ethiopian famine relief, 1984 (Band Aid II took place in 1989, Band Aid 20 in 2004)
- “We Are the World” (click to download a teensy snippet in MP3, courtesy of Brian Turner) USA For Africa, famine relief, 1985
- “Tears Are Not Enough” Northern Lights (Canada), 1985
- “Stars” Hear ‘N’ Aid (heavy metal supergroup), 1985
- “Everybody Wants to Run the World” Tears for Fears, Sport Aid, 1986
- “Running All Over the World” Status Quo, Sport Aid, 1986

Apartheid
- “Sun City” (real audio, from an archive of Evan "Funk" Davies' show) Artists United Against Apartheid (incl. Steve Van Zandt, Bob Dylan), 1985

Disadvantaged Children
- “Perfect Day” (real audio, from an archive of Strength Through Failure with Fabio) by Lou Reed for Children in Need, 1997

AIDS
- “That’s What Friends Are For” Dionne (Warwick) and Friends, 1985
- “What’s Going On” Christina Aguilera, JLo, Britney, Bono, etc., 2001
- “The World Is Ours” Missy Eliot and Justin Timberlake, 2004

Bosnia
- “The Little Ones” Cat Stevens, 1998

Sept. 11
- “What More Can I Give” by Jacko, never released (producer made gay porn)
- “El Ultimo Adios” Christina Aguilera, Gloria Estefan, John Secada, et al., 2001
- “Freedom” Paul McCartney, Bon Jovi, etc., 2001

Poverty/Hunger (G8 Summit)
- “Every Bomb You Make” (adaptation of "Every Step You Take") by Sting, at Live 8 concert, 2005

Hurricane Katrina
- “SST” by Prince, 2005
- “Brand New Orleans” by Prince, 2005
- “From the Bottom of My Heart” MJ, 2005

Venture below the fold for a grip of (un)savory celebrity PSA MP3s and other tripe...

This Week in Sex: Sex Ed

Sex isn't all fun and games, you know. Actually, it's mostly no fun and games. Which is why we bring you the Back to School edition of This Week in Sex. Take your hands out of your pockets and get learning, Junior.

Mommy, Daddy, where did the controversy about sexual education come from? Apparently, from this boring 1947 film. You can watch the movie, or just look at the thumbnails featuring a deeply suspicious dad. I prefer the Department of Agriculture sex ed film that takes the sex Ed Wood approach: if you like stock footage, a swelling soundtrack, and rabbit C-sections, this is the film for you.

Movie Club. If you just want to watch something dirty, which I know you do, there are about a kajillion other old  films on the Internet Archive, plus a handy subject index. They have non-sex stuff, too. Actually, it's mostly non-sex stuff. I just don't pay attention to it.

Biology 101. What's inside your boobs? I'm not really sure, but it's disturbingly glowy.

Career Counseling. You say you want to be in radio, but the results of your assessment test say you would make a great Hooters Girl. Congratulations!  Please take your Suntan-colored pantyhose and a copy of your Hooters Handbook, and remember that being sexually harassed is part of the job. (The pantyhose and the sexual harassment parts are just like radio, so don't be too disappointed.)

Linguistics. This guy spent a whole lotta time researching and thinking and writing about about the word cunt. (Whereas I just spent a whole lotta time watching the cunt circus.)

Science Fair. "How many angels fit on the head of a pin?" is a question for theologians, but "How many condoms fit on the head of a penis?" is one we can really wrap our hands around. And by "we" I mean the Science Project geeks, who I hope keep up the good work. A+.

Cosmology. If you think God is being a big dick with this weather, you're right. Rita looks like a big phallus. But if you think Katrina looks like a big fetus, and that means the storm is God's way of punishing us, you're wrong. Plus you're being a big dick.

Community Service. It's not porn, it's charity: make a donation to Katrina relief and see pictures of boobs in the virtual Mardi Gras that is Boobs4BourbonSt. You can donate boobs or money, or both. [via]

P.S. I double-dare you not to look at pets in uniform. (P.P.S. Now I know what I'm getting DJ Bronwyn for Christmas! Don't tell.) [via]

Thanks for the random acts of smut, Station Manager Ken.

The Lieutenant Wore A Purple Ribbon

It was around 10:30 on an unseasonably warm Sunday evening in October of ‘97 when a commotion began outside my Hoboken apartment that would eventually lead to one of my stranger nights in New Jersey.

I was on the couch, watching a movie, when the noise level outside got louder and angrier than usual. I went to the front window, pulled back the curtains and saw flashing lights coming down the block. Curious, I stepped outside just in time to see an upstairs neighbor corralling a young kid against a fence next door. The neighbor is a powerful guy and the kid – no older than fourteen – looked scared, like a trapped animal.

The cops were soon out of their cars, grabbing the kid and getting some details from my neighbor. When he was through, he came over to where I was standing with some other neighbors and explained that the kid – and some accomplices – were breaking into cars on the block. “I think you better go check your car. I saw them down there.” he said to me, pointing to where my car was parked.

Fearing the worst, I walked fast up the block to my car and got a sinking feeling when I noticed the convertible top unsnapped. I checked inside and (luckily) nothing was missing but a crappy old umbrella. The thieves were scared off before they had time to do any real damage.

I walked back to my building and thanked the neighbor for grabbing the kid. The cops asked me if anything was missing. I told them about the umbrella, said it was no big deal, and was surprised when they asked me to come downtown and swear out a complaint anyway (without complaints they had no case). I hemmed and hawed but then they offered me a ride (I was mostly concerned about losing my hard-won parking space).

For our Tuvan friends, a little thing called Perspective.

Yes, sure, there's something like 2,000 years' worth of history informing the art of the throat singers of the Mongolian, Siberian, and, since 1921, Tuvan regions of Central Asia - fine, you're right. Now get back in the basement and stop harshing our groovy.  You see, thanks to Albert Kuvezin and the band Yat-Kha, this deep cultural tradition has been solidly plopped into post-modernity, and FUN!

OK, a teensy bit of background: Tuvan throat-singers, such as the longstanding WFMU faves Huun-Huur-Tu and Sainkho Namtchylak, have long fascinated Western ears with their ability to sing multiple (and audible) harmonic overtones at once.  Oftentimes, their khoomei resemble the drone produced by that cornerstone of your more advanced hippie jam-circle, the didgeridoo.  And very often, their tones feature a distinct bird-like whistle.  You want to know more?  The web's full of it, go see - we've got some recontextualizing to do.

Here at WFMU, it takes a more refined novelty song to get us horny.  Song parodies and funny voices tickle us not.  But did you say "what would Perez Prado sound like playing Nirvana songs?"??  Talk to me, brother!  And really, who can resist this utterly choice nugget:

"I'd really love to hear a Tuvan throat singer do Joy Division" ("Love Will Tear Us Apart", realaudio from Stefan's "The Belly of The Beast")

And there we are.  Say, while we're at it, maybe throw in some Zeppelin?  Hey, make it topical - "When the Levee Breaks".(Realaudio from Ken's show)  Now We Are Talking!  And here comes the aforementioned Albert and his Yat-Khas, and they've got us covered with their new album "Re-Covers" - a collection of... yessssss, fave rock hits done in the Tuvan style!!

You know the Inuits?  Those eskimo people up north that Ken likes so much?  They've got a tradition of throat-singing too.  Though mostly they're about gamesmanship, and you're not going to hear them riffing a mean "The Man Machine" (Realaudio from my show) anytime soon.  But they're throat-singing, so they're in the continuum.  And thanks to Albert Kuvezin and Yat-Kha, we can see that road more clearly, and may readily note some formerly unlikely precedents to this Throat Singing jive:

Clarence "Frogman" Henry "I Ain't Got No Home" (Realaudio from Dave the Spazz)

Bent Bolt & The Nuts "The Mechanical Man" (Realaudio from Greasy Kid Stuff)

Billy "Froggy" Laughlin, of the Little Rascals / Our Gang comedies

Popeye (wav link)

Or maybe you respect tradition and history - fine, look below the fold and receive rich musical rewards. 

Toilet Huffing. Very Big In Germany.

This one is Bryce's fault.

When I first saw it, I immediately assumed the worst - that our German friends are inhaling teutonic sewer gas to get off.

A quick trip to babelfish's translation page was little help. But it did turn up such linguistic nuggets as this:

In the offer inventions are like the Klo Atmer, the wiedergeburt, or the fish head roof impact device.

Finally, a translated paragraph shed light on the mystery: in the event that you cant escape from a smoke filled building, you stick a tube into the toilet and inhale the rancid (but smoke free) sewer gas. Or as babelfish put it:

The fresh air equipment of the Kaliforniers William of cross-beam is to save with fire in smoked dwellings the life to humans. According to cross-beam must they in addition only a hose into a toilet insert and the "fresh air" deeply existing in the tubing system inhale.

Great idea, now that I understand it. Sewer air is better than no air at all. I will add a rubber tube to my stale cache of duct tape and plastic sheeting.

NOOIIISSSE!

When I awoke suddenly at 3 a.m. the other night to the sound of a ferociously loud motorcycle on the street outside, I knew then what this week's post would be about.  After trying to fall back to sleep for 30 minutes, I got up and started writing.

Those who know me know that I am all for noise in the proper context.  I listen to music that often prompts others to say "that's not music."  I love Merzbow, MB, Goat, Yoko Ono, Whitehouse and The New Blockaders.  But noise in the public, urban landscape can be intrusive, offensive, disruptive, disheartening and sometimes rage-producing.  Usually this kind of noise is propagated by individuals guilty of what I consider to be the greatest of personal sins:  obliviousness.  They're oblivious to the fact that they share their environment with others who are trying to live their lives in relative peace and harmony, i.e., "that's me, and I'm doin' it 'cause it feels good."  Most city noise isn't personal or malicious, it's worse; it's negligent and casually disrespectful.

Every so often, I read something about the measurement of big city noise levels, or about some legislator who wants to mount anti-noise laws as a quality of life issue, but things don't ever seem to change that much, and I think the whole situation speaks to the sad limitations of human nature and humans in general.  Environmental noise is likely causing us more harm than mere annoyance.  There is also speculation that noise may be making our kids dumb (see this link too) and hard of hearing.   Noise may also be damaging our wildlife.

When I enter "street noise nuisance" into Google, 90% of the links on the first 3 pages are UK-based; is this because the British are more apt to use the term "nuisance" or because goddamit, we're the USA, we're loud, proud, aggressive and prone to preemptive invasions?  In fact, a battery of noise-complaint-related Google searches I did brought up more UK and Canada-related links in general, supporting the common notion (which I'd like to believe is wrong) that Canadians and the British are generally more civilized than we are.  (The few relevant links I was able to find that related directly to the northeastern US are collected at the end of this post.)

We all have our "if I were Mayor, President, or King of the Free World" fantasies, and here are a few noise-related offenses that I, were I to ever hold high office, would terminate with extreme prejudice.