The Replacement Lyrics

I was in the A & P just now and the awful Toto song Rosanna came piping over the PA. You know the number:

All I wanna do when I wake up in the morning is see you eyes
Rosanna, Rosanna
I never thought that a girl like you could ever care for me
Rosanna, etc., etc.

I went into an immediate defensive posture against this uninvited, insipid musical attack and did a little lyric replacement:

All I wanna do when I wake up in the morning is touch your hair
Rosanna Rosannadanna
Like my grandmother says "It's always something" with a girl like you
Rosanna Rosannadanna

Lyric replacement is an absolute necessity when you're in the inescapable grasp of some crap song or another. At the garage I used on Long Island, the mechanics were absolute experts at it. Here's their take on the overworked Elton John assault:

Don't let your son go down on me
Although I like 'em young... he always smells of pee
Etc.

Come Christmas time I'm thoroughly armed with all the song parodies gleaned as a kid from Mad magazine:

We three drunks from Omaha are
spending Christmas Eve in a car
driving, drinking
suddenly weaving into a wrong way lane
O-O-O-H! Fifth of Bourbon, fifth of Scotch
and some Vodka on the rocks...

Like Bruno says in Hitchcock's Strangers On A Train, "Criss-cross, Guy." I've offered some replacement lyrics here but I'm never fully armed, so please share some of yours via "Comments". You kill my song and I'll yours...

Comments

[Jacob Haller]

I had a friend who would improve songs by replace the word 'you' with 'Jews'. For example:

I love myself
I want Jews to love me
When I'm feeling down
I want Jews above me
I search myself
I want Jews to find me
I forget myself
I want Jews to remind me

I don't want anybody else
When I think about Jews I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

[Nancy]

From Greg (who probabply has a million of em'), just one line - Elton again:
Someone Shaved My Wife Tonight, Now She's Bare...

[Colin McKay]

Jefito's Blog had the same feeling:

Jeff Porcaro’s drumwork notwithstanding, “Rosanna” is a song (and video) that, to this day, I can’t even think about without gritting my teeth. I’m not a violent person, but if I could somehow punch “Rosanna” repeatedly in the stomach, I think I would. I hate “Rosanna.” I hate it not only because it’s a ridiculous, insipid, craptastically awful ballad, and not only because it’s a poisonous earworm that I find myself humming against my will after inadvertently hearing it, but because it set the pattern for a big part of Toto’s future recording output. It’s true that they’d been naming lousy songs after women as far back as Toto (”Angela”), but they did it all the time after “Rosanna” was a hit. In fact, on 1988’s The Seventh One, they did it twice! It’s a foul, foul song.

http://jefitoblog.com/blog/?p=452

[no]

look, rosanna is a classic. i don't care what jews say.

[Buckeye Girl]

Well, misheard lyrics aren't exactly the same, except for now I can never think of the right ones to great pop radio singalong "Drops of Jupiter" by Train. Which in my world is:

Tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And Van Halen is overrated

[Paul Turk]

One of our faves at the printshop is...

"Teenage Waistbands.....only teenage waistbaaaaands....
Their ALL STRETCHY "

[MattN]

Jeez, for another tune that's been misheard elsewhere, there's always CCR's Bad Moon Rising:

"Don't go out with Ike/
He's bound to take your wife/
There's a bathroom on the right!"

Da da dum.

[Bjorn]

Hold me closer, Tony Da-a-anza...