The Party's Over, For Me At Least

Are you in your teens, twenties, thirties or even older, still riding the wave of immoderation that we Americans call "partying"?  G_d bless you, you savage, but know this:  respect and observe that "all things in moderation" rule, choose day-to-day mental stability over that delicious buzz, or you're liable to end up like me:  too old and too crazy for any kind of substance abuse, period.

You think I'm joking?  Despite my flip tone, I'm actually dead serious.  I find myself, just past the crossroads of my forties, unable to engage in any kind of mind-altering consumption of any type.  Sad, right?  Or is this what they call "maturity"?  Not that it matters what my personal philosophical opinions on the situation are, as it's hard physical realities that have brought me to this sober (and sobering) state.

The fact that I don't really drink alcohol or coffee anymore separates me tremendously from my fellow humans.  "Have a drink," they say, "it's legal and everyone's doing it.  Besides, one little drink won't hurt. It'll loosen you up."  One little drink, of beer, tequila or champagne (I hate the moldy, rotten stench of wine, and haven't touched the "hard stuff" in years) gives me an immediate sour ache in my stomach, and the next day I'm so depressed that I'm suicidal, ready to hang myself from the tree in the backyard.  So much for booze.

What about coffee?  It's fun, it's tasty, gives you that little lift, and is sold in endless varieties on literally every street corner in America.  One-half cup of non-decaf coffee turns me into the madman that the media had people convinced Howard Dean was after the 2004 Iowa Caucuses; a whole cup, and the slightest aberration in my routine can and does provoke homicidal feelings of anger, spraying death like the Luftwaffe.

I used to smoke cigarettes, never heavily, but a little bit in high school, and then off-and-on throughout the 90s.  Now, 30 minutes of exposure to second-hand smoke leaves me with a 24-hour sore throat.  If I forget myself and actually take a drag, a defibrillator may be required.

"Have a hit of weed; it'll relax you."  Yeah, I'll relax, as soon as you convince me that my wife, my friends, my co-workers and everyone else in the world are not conspiring against me.  (While you're at it, convince me that we're not going to war with Iran—can you say WWIII?) Somehow, the gradual onset of adult life, with its looming concerns like child rearing, full-time work, slowly failing health, world politics etc., has all but negated the mind-soothing effects of cannabis for me.  Plus, the stuff is so expensive that it ultimately just becomes another burdensome monthly task and a bill to pay.

Those of you reading this who know me personally know that I had a good long run at the deep end, and perhaps this fact speaks to my current state more than anything else.  I stare that cold, brittle-boned old schoolmarm named Sobriety in the face for a brief moment every day, and neither of us looks away or even blinks.

So where does this leave me, with sobriety not as an option, but as the only option?  For me, it's all about avoiding those harrowing ups and downs that are part and parcel of the "short-term fix" and the "mild lift."  Every day can be a struggle, whether you're copping a buzz or not.  If I've only my own unaltered mind to deal with, at least I stand a chance of getting through the day.

Comments

[Richard Ginn]

For me it's about optimizing my life and everyone's life around you, including yours, whatever that takes to do. Some things help, others don't, and at different times in my life, in the year, the day, the moment. It's a balance. Beyond this I would start to sound like a fortune cookie :)

"I'm like you, only somewhat different."

PS: At some point schoolmarms start looking cute.

[Bartelby]

Hi,
Yeah I get similar paranoia from cannabis, so I just gave up on it. Similarly alcohol, I just came to the realization that I didn't like the feeling of being drunk. Nowadays I will have 1 or 2 but really I am usually feeling hungover before I even leave the party. I've noticed that sometimes in a club if you're drinking club soda, after the 2nd or 3rd that bartender stops charging. A good bloody mary with more tabasco than vodka is nice once in while, well until the ice melts and it starts to taste like sawdust.

[poesboes]

The one and only thing is trying not to worry or think too much about what you miss.. And try something new that seems unlikely to please you and see how little it takes for it to make you feel good!

[Billy K]

Do what everyone else does at that age: take up golf and become a Republican.

That's why there are so many angry, whiny, frightened Republicans: they's mad they can't party any more!

[vanjulio]

For the first time the other day I actually went to a party with a 6pack of nonalcoholic beer and a Quart of IBC rootbeer. I was throwing down. The beer was made by Old Milwaukee. I wanted my placebo to be as authentic as possible, and nothing is more authentic than skunk beer, right? I mean you know it is going to be pretty bad, so why not go all the way? I wouldn't expect an NA Guiness would ever come close to the normal, and well, you know it can never be the same.

I felt pretty much like a huge jackass, but I'll probably keep doing this for a while. It helps to have an innate predisposition to insanity and randomness in your mind already. With the arsenal of converging and diverging incohorent states in constant flux within the old noodle, sobriety for some can be as interesting as any effects of them worldly tinctures. Plus, there's always WFMU (they slip you the pill).

[Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute]

Hey can you post that MC Steinberg party song from the Best Show summer blow out?

[von zeke]

No matter how good you are something is still going to kill you eventually.
The only comfort is the people who never smoked, or drank, or took drugs fare exactly the same, suckers.

[Rick Benjamin]

Yep,

I've been sober since Oct. 2005. Ironically, just to keep the voices away.
I had my fun. By the way Republicans are NOT sober people. Mr. Bush is
not sober. So he dosen't drink, it dosen't make him sober. If he were he
would be a lot more compasionate.

[Repoz]

I haven't touched coke since my last blast of blackout talc upstairs at Maxwells...25-years ago.

I haven't weed-gagged since I found a bag outside a bank in Weehawken while walking my twin boys...12-years ago.

I haven't wobbled the liquor liver shake since I walked home from the Palisades Medical Center barefoot and ended up with Cuomoesque bloody feet...7-years ago.

I'm better off...oh, I'm a lethal bore...but, I'm better off.

Because it's my life...not yours, not yours over there...and certainly not yours waaaaaay back there.

[buckeye girl]

I resemble this post. Never been much of a smoker of any type, but I feel my alcohol years are nearing their end. Over the summer, I overindulged on a weekend trip to Pittsburgh and found myself puking behind a car on the street at about Noon the next day. What is cute and funny as a 20year old suddenly seems pretty pathetic when you're 40. So while I haven't QUIT drinking, I've only been drunk once more since then. Last night I met my friends for a drink, and in 3 hours I had one cocktail and one beer.

And coffee. Good God, coffee. There's a coffee store in my hometown of Columbus, OH owned by Jovan K. of Gaunt fame. The coffee is so good, but so strong. The last two times I went there, I didn't sleep for days, followed by the homicidal rage/uncontrolled bitchiness, then followed by a crying jag. Honestly, I'd rather do an 8ball alone than go anywhere near that coffee ever ever again.

And just thinking about tripping makes me approach nervous breakdown territory.

Glad I (over)indulged while I had the chance.

[Wooden Carpetbagger MD]

You're a great writer. You know you've got to go through hard dark ugly shit before you can even recognize soft bright beautiful flowers, what I’m saying is that you made me laugh twice. The Thing about every one starting to think you're the guy the media was trying to make people beleive Howard Dean was and then "Everyday I look sobriety in the face like an old school marm , and she stares back".... It's funny , but I can hear the Earthy tone.
I'm proud and happy and Impressed at anyone who gets the hell off of anti depressants.Tom Cruise critzised Brooke Sheilds when she hated her baby and then took some anti depressants and then she loved her baby.He told her to do it by way of L. Ron Hubbard!
If you want to study the church of scientology I'll go to those classes with you. It’s the owner's manual for the human mind you know.
No really, serious, I'm proud that you know TM. And I have a suggestion and it does have to do with acquiring a religion.
I'm talking about the sitar man. You should become a sitarist.
I quit caffeine too.But not certainly not beer and tobacco . My pancreas has given me less than ten more years to party and then I'm probably going to be checking my blood with one of those things B.B. King advertises before I can have another beer.
My currant favorite beer is "HOP Wollop". If I'm smart, what I'll do is take care of my self, and not be so endulgent.
We all get high spiritually on our friends and our children and our wives and girlfriends and yes on art, music included .Getting high has nothing to do with something entering the blood stream.But it could, What about tea? I used to take a lot of tea, while others were taking drugs I was taking tea. The Rutles were right tea is the drug. Naturally uncaffinated tea that is! Herbs my dear boy , I'm talking about the herbal teas! Now that's inspiring!

[Apophenia Pareidola]

I just don't get how it is that weed makes people so paranoid. Granted, as NORML puts it, is it any fuckin' wonder what with the law the way it is?

Frankly, if you are a parent you are doing the only thing safe for your kid - with the law so idiotic as it is it could result in a kid losing his daddy or mommy, no wonder you get to feeling this way.

I decided long ago three things were going to be irrevokably true about me:

1. I am simply in love with drugs and am never EVER going to get sober, except for the periods of sobriety necessitated to KEEP THE DRUGS WORKING; breakin' that there tolerance barrier's a real pain in the patoot sometimes, but I'd hazard worse problems exist, really.

2. Since this is the case, I am not going to allow myself to be a mother - I never really wanted kids much anyway

3. Also, I forswear ever owning or driving motor vehicles.

Any drug user who does not adhere to these principles, especially in middle age, is, in my humble opinion, irresponsible.

I can't say I've been completely a paragon of responsibility in my life, mind you, but I've also had unusual fortune in it for such a continually drugged personage; maybe karma is rewarding me for not having kids and not driving cars.

PS I am 41. And not one bit less in love with drugs than I was at age 19.

[mike]

i just turned 19 today and i'm canadian so, so much for that whole "in moderation" stuff