Last night I had some plumbing done in my home which only slightly distracted me from the big awards show. This is what I can remember:
Madonna fell off her high horse awhile ago, but tonight is getting right the hell back up again with a dazzling opening number featuring Gorillaz. She has recently credited Pilates with giving her those curves she's sporting. Whatever, she could more easily have pounded down some bacon cheeseburgers and gotten the same result. I get a kick out of seeing a movie star as much as the next guy. I would also prefer them to watch the Grammys from the sanctity of their nine million dollar homes, giving their seats up to L.A.'s homeless population. Keith Urban sitting next to a vagrant just seems to make a lot more sense.
Kelly Clarkson is the girl you ignored in High School and she just mopped the floor with Paul McCartney. Kelly's gonna celebrate with some bacon cheeseburgers with the homeless later while WFMU DJ Joe Belock and I have a shouting match. Beyonce Knowles' expression speaks volumes...volumes of the Harvard Classics my cat has yet to read. Kanye West. Brash, genius, Grammy Winner. Where the hell is R. Kelly to put some humility back into the show? Paul McCartney takes the stage, Chaos and Creation in the Backyard. Not a reference to booty, this is a legend, A Beatle. Ahhhh, LOOK OUT Helter Skelter! Yes, it's fucking cool but I can't help but wish Yoko Ono were there to make it more...EVIL. Or maybe instead of those projected images of a rollercoaster ride, they could use some Tate-LaBianca trial footage.
Speaking of Manson Girls, Jennifer Love Hewitt's hair has been ponderous for some months now. I think it's an Eva Gabor wig, which would make about as much sense as her being onstage right now. Wup, there's Crazy-Ass Mariah Carey. Pan to the back of the Staples Center where all the Industry Geezers have gotten off their creeky coke-dusty asses to give a standing ovation. Les Paul is ailing. I feel just terrible knowing I heard it from Billie Joe Armstrong.
U2 accepts an award and Bono isn't taking the mic, still reeling from that Nipplegate thing I guess. Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas is highly talented but I'm waiting for The Smoking Gun to publish a photo of her before her face transplant. OK, that was mean. I apologize.
Gwen Stefani's cute pudge is back. Wow, she's really let herself go, sporting a beer belly the size of a second trimester. Get down on the stage and do some Palance Push-Ups, Pop Princess! Bono somehow gained control of the mic again and is earnestly thinking that We Care Very Much. We Do Not. There's a bunch of people onstage now and I'm feeling very claustrophobic. Joss Stone makes my flesh crawl Ken-Russell-Altered-States-style, almost as much as when I heard that Adam from Maroon 5 was dating Jessica Simpson. Both Joss and Adam look like they're going to plotz in anticipation of Sly Stone maybe coming out to perform with them. Here he comes. This is a moment. Moment over.
Kelly Clarkson is not singing "Since U Been Gone" because she is dressed inappropriately. I just made myself laugh. Herbie Hancock is brilliant but Christina Aguiliara is distracting in ways I cannot begin to articulate. I can't stand this performance and think Christina should really call John Zorn next year. The commercials for the eleven o'clock local news story "Addicted To Lip Balm" is making me want to stay up late, but it's past my bedtime, and dammit, my bathroom sink still isn't fixed.
Madonna is the only person I know that can make nude pantyhose somehow seem hip
Posted by: Elisabeth | February 09, 2006 at 01:56 PM
I am at a loss to proclaim which made me sadder: Sly Stone's trainwreck of an appearance or the tribute to him which preceded his appearance onstage...
Posted by: Ray Brazen | February 09, 2006 at 03:44 PM
I simply forgot about the Grammys. The only consolation is that I'm sure Ms. Braun's account was far more entertaining than the actual show.
Posted by: listener_paul | February 09, 2006 at 08:24 PM
The only part I saw was Paul McCartney, the guy from Linkin Park, and Jay-Z performing "Yesterday".
I have nothing but respect for Paul. Or at least I did before that disaster.
What in the hell could he possibly have been thinking?
Posted by: Paul Simononymous | February 10, 2006 at 09:35 AM
what are "grammies"?
Posted by: norelpref | February 10, 2006 at 10:42 AM
first: the paul mccartney/chaos and creation in the backyard/booty comment almost made milk come out of my nose.
second: as soon as i heard there was gonna be a sly and the family stone tribute i knew the train was comming. how about american idol judge randy jackson rocking the bass on "if you want me to stay"... and why didn't they have someone like tim mcgraw sing "don't call me nigger, whitey?"
Posted by: schlarb | February 10, 2006 at 10:52 AM
Pseu Braun is absolutely magnificent. I love everything about his spastic ADD-riddled Grammy's commentary. I tried to watch the Grammy's this year, but I honestly couldn't get past the very beginning - Alicia Keys + Stevie Wonder's terribly scripted and apparently un-rehearsed dialogue. Painful would be an understatement.
Pseu Braun really nailed it with style. More please!!
Posted by: steve PMX | February 10, 2006 at 03:37 PM
oh yeah boy, pseu braun's blogposts are almost as good as his mighty radioshow!
Posted by: moore | February 10, 2006 at 11:48 PM
That's right. Besides having a giant penis, I do some awesome freeform radio.
xo
Pseu
Posted by: Pseu Braun | February 11, 2006 at 12:38 AM
I got really bored by the time the Sly Stone tribute started, and I figured there was 0% chance he would be there. So I wandered off and when I came back there he was. Only I thought it was that dude (Angelo?) from Fishbone. Frankly, I still do. I mean - what is Fishbone doing these days? That guy could totally be a Sly Stone impersonator.
Posted by: buckeye girl | February 11, 2006 at 09:02 AM
Yes, Sly Stone's one minute appearance was a trainwreck....but at least it meant one minute LESS of seeing BONO and his goofy glasses. I was less offended by Sly Stone's effed-up schtick and more offended by the relentless shucking and jiving of all the tru no-talents who were the prelude to his grand entrance.
I figure this is the last any of us will ever see of Sly,
so let's hear it for the trainwreck!
Alexa
Posted by: Alexa | February 13, 2006 at 02:01 AM