This Week in Sex: Big Wad of Intersmut

Size isn't everything, but it is always best expressed in terms of football fields. Microscopic fruit fly sperm may look like a Q-tip, but if it were untangled, it would be 2 inches long.

One of the guys who studied the fly sperm said, "To put that into perspective, if humans made sperm that long and you took a six-foot man and stood him on the goal line of a football field, his sperm would stretch out to the 40-yard line." Which is a very manly way of saying it would be 40 yards long. See how that works?

Killer queen. Ant queens mate only once in a lifetime, and they store the sperm they collect from multiple partners to fertilize the kajillions of eggs that make the ant colony. I don't know how to express this in terms of football fields, because when women are having kajillions of kids we don't think of it like that, but it would definitely get you past the 40 yard line.

Donate to the arts. Specifically, donate semen to the Sperm Cube to help create a one ton frozen block of sperm. Frozen art sperm: "international, open to all, universal." You could jack off into an ice cube tray, but that would not be so international, open to all, or universal. But it would be cubey.

Penis slide show. At first I thought this was just a slide show of a guy and his penis enjoying the great outdoors, or a guy enjoying his penis in the great outdoors, but then there was that business with the stuffed tiger and the rubber witch and the long-stemmed roses and I didn't know what to think. But I pretty much knew I didn't want to think about it any more. NSFW

I don't have anything to say about The New York Observer's Bridal Blog. Five brides-to-be obsess about wedding crap, which is so stressful! OMG!!!

I do know where all the hot guys in New York are: Lighting by Gregory, early afternoons. You may meet them, you may marry them, but you may not blog about menus, hair and makeup, or any other pre-marital nonsense without my permission. (P.S. Permission denied.)

Like you haven't tried. Chinese orchid has sex with itself. And complains about its performance to itself. The system has its drawbacks.

A day at the beach. An internet musical instrument made of squealing bikini girls lying on beach towels. You play and record your own tune by poking them with your pointy finger cursor. This is such a guy thing.

I love a parade. It's time for the Coney Island Mermaid Parade and Mermaid Parade Ball. Lots of girls with no tops on and geezers taking pictures of them. Parade pics here and here and here.

Zlata, Goddess of Flexibility (you can't argue with that), does an impressive mermaid.
"Finally...the beauty of a mermaid has been bottled!" That's what I was going to say. The Fantasy Within Collection of mermaids in a bottle is for the mature collector. You immature mermaid in a bottle collectors are on your own. via Jane's Guide
mermaid pic from linus

Dirty pope pictures. Popes are no fun any more.

Field guide to erotic fetishes. Bring all weather gear and don't forget your shots. via design observer

No butt left behind: Anal ring toss for boys and girls.

TWiS bathroom break:

You know when you're sitting on the toilet and you wonder how much time you've spent in your whole life sitting on the toilet? Now you can find out.
Novelty potties.
We Are/Do Number One! Footballers are peeing all over the place, and trees are paying the price. Germans call it the Pinkleproblem. Isn't that adorable?

Football comes but once every four years:

Private Football Club on the new digital porn site Undercover Mags
Football Babes. The only site "presenting hot babes from football teams." I didn't know there were babes on football teams, but apparently there are, and they're hot, so they lift up their shirts a lot. NSFW
Going Dutch during the World Cup now means watching football in no pants, if your pants have a beer logo that is not the official-beer-of-the-World-Cup-Budweiser logo.
What are the alternatives? Ask Michael Strahan.

Buddy system. Scottish researchers are proposing that queer primary school kids have special "minders" to protect them. The buddy system is facing vigorous opposition from the teachers union and the Catholic Church. I guess my idea of proposing a federally mandated fuck buddy system isn't going to go over so well, either. It wasn't for queer primary school kids, anyway. It was just for me.

Thanks to Ken and Lipwak and maybe some other people who I forgot.
Send intersmut tips, and cash money tips, to me at amanda at wfmu dot org.