Porn puts our children in harm's way. Especially when it comes in the shape of a big man in a suit chasing children off rooftop billboards into traffic.
In Maury's restaurant, there are pickles. Pickles put people in harm's way, too. Especially when you are pickle-phobic and you go on Maury Povich's show. At first I thought Maury's guest Mariah was faking the whole pickles-are-destroying-my-life thing, but I got on her side when Maury sent her off to the Paterson Pickle factory to make her freak out, which she did, ending up quivering in a fetal position. Back in the studio, Maury grabbed her hand, said "Stop it! Stop shaking!," told her she had to confront her fears, and ambushed her with plates of pickles. It worked out really well. (And since about a half a million people have now seen this clip, I'm sure she won't be known as the Pickle Girl any more.)
Bigger not always better. Did you know spiders don't have penises? But they have some kind of mouth penis? And there's a kind of spider that has two massive mouth-penises? And it cuts off one with a piece of spidey silk? And did you know fish watch fish porn? And did you think I made that last one up? No, scientists made those fish do it, so unless you are part of an experiment, you can't use that excuse. In case you can't make sense of the science as well as I can, because I have a scientific mind, here's the gist:
The lesson is clear. If you live in an environment where you can afford to be slow and lazy, sexual selection can take over: the females will preferentially mate with the fish with the larger gonopodia [fish penis], driving up the average size over generations. If you have to be nimble and swift to stay alive, natural selection will cull out the males with oversized genitals.
I always thought video games were for dumbasses. But I like this video game where you shoot asses, and I'm pretty good at it, too. Yay me!
After the jump: Woman punching penis. NSFW.
Really soft porn. Hooked soft porn rugs. They're art, so they're safe for work.
3 D Kama Sutra. Again, art, so go for it.
Viagra ring. It's jewelry, so the coast is clear.
"My Little Golden Book About God Zogg." via bitch, Ph.D.
Hey, baby. A former handyman has won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a penile implant that gave him a 10-year erection.
Advertising sex or educating readers? A question I ask myself all the time, and now a question for the Russian courts.
PSA for condoms where everyone is happy that a guy puts a condom on an umbrella, which does not seem like safer sex at all.
Real live dolls are scary.
But clowns are scarier. And hanging around clowns is likely to make you pregnant, so maybe that umbrella guy should get to the circus. Or something. Like that. (I'm on a toxic mix of suda-tussin right now, sorry.)
Thanks to Ken, and Belinda and Hova for the photo of the chasey man and children.
Send intersmut and cough medicine to amanda at wfmu dot org.
there's no way I am clikcing on those links
Posted by: bartelby | June 30, 2006 at 11:17 AM
How the fuck does one acquire a phobia to pickles? Does anyone else think that maybe a pickle is more than a pickle in this girl's case?
Posted by: mrs. klaussen | June 30, 2006 at 12:25 PM
I dont know about you, but I have an image of a really creepy old uncle of hers, threatening the poor child with some bad pickle business, maybe going beyond threats. the girl seems to be pathologically terrified. And I dont think she's faking it.
She's got a case of post traumatic pickling syndrome. or something like that.
Posted by: mareeeeea | June 30, 2006 at 02:31 PM
The 3D Karma Sutra is amusing, but obviously a computer generated fake:
1. When the arms and legs are in extreme positions, there's an odd folding that occurs where the limbs meet the body. There's all sort of things you can do to fix this, but they didn't even bother.
2. Did you notice the hair looked like cards? You can't carve marble that thin. These "cards" normally are mapped with transparent images of hair, but it would look odd having the "marble" statues with wigs on.
3. Note the size of the doorway relative to the rest of the room, and the (imagemapped) wood floor - especially in the first pose. Either that "sculpture" is 30 feet high, or people have to crawl on their hands and knees to enter the room.
4. The "statues" don't look like marble, do they? There's no marble texture, and no specular highlight. Instead, they look like they're made out of paper with a matte finish. That's because they've only got diffuse shading applied to them - specular highlights are harder for global illumination to render properly without giving weird artifacts.
5. There are no lighting artifacts - no hard shadows, no specular highlights of lights from the ceiling, no shadow of the photographer. It looks like the room's being illuminated by a diffuse light, like on an overcast day. It looks a lot like a typical global illumination scene.
6. The camera makes a perfect orbit about the sculptures: no up or down bumps, just nice and mathematically smooth. Everything's in focus, too.
Gah... I spend too much time working with computers...
Posted by: Valued Customer | July 01, 2006 at 03:49 AM
Excellent...reminds me of "Third Toga Party from the Sun"
Posted by: Alexa | July 02, 2006 at 02:32 AM
Wow, interesting post. That Maury pickle clip is pretty funny stuff tho! How could you be scared of delicious dill pickles!?!
Jon
http://www.howtopickle.com
Posted by: Jon | October 06, 2006 at 07:19 PM
Look at my chest!
Posted by: T rex | October 05, 2008 at 05:51 PM