Like Hillary Clinton, who used to listen to Yankees games on the radio with her Jewish grandpa in Chicago, I have been a Yankees fan since I was a little girl. This is because of my elementary-school principal, Miss Gathman.
My elementary school had classes in a little red-brick building and in a converted two-family frame house next door. Most of the classes were doubled up—there was a first-and-second grade classroom and a second-and-third grade classroom—and there were never fewer than 38 kids in a class, although in fifth and sixth grades there were 52 of us, all in one room. No one seemed to think there was anything amiss with that, or with the fact that we had just one set of wordless first-grade-level science books for the whole school. Each year each grade got a couple of weeks with the science books, and we’d look at the illustration of a screw sitting next to an inclined plane, and in this way we fulfilled whatever requirements there were for the science curriculum. Most of the teachers in the school were named Mrs. Johnson, except for Miss Gathman, who, besides being the principal, also taught the afternoon session of fifth grade the year I was in fifth grade, and then taught sixth grade all day the year I was in sixth grade. Miss Gathman read us the book “A Wrinkle in Time,” and she read us a book about a boy and his pet Phoenix. I loved Miss Gathman, and Miss Gathman loved the Yankees.
When the World Series happened, back in those ancient days of afternoon games and broadcast TV, Miss Gathman brought in her little portable television and the entire class of 52 Iowa schoolchildren spent a happy afternoon watching the New York Yankees play. Thus did Miss Gathman teach us that baseball is the most important thing in the world, and that the Yankees are the perfect expression of all that is good in baseball. I have never had cause to doubt her since. But, oh! John Sterling.
John Sterling is the play-by-play announcer for the Yankees radio broadcasts. He used to do the broadcasts with Charly Steiner, and I don’t recall noticing any problems. Maybe Steiner did the play-by-play then, I don’t remember. But for the last couple of years John Sterling has been partnered with Suzyn Waldman, and the results have been bizarre. When two players hit home runs, one right after the other, John Sterling says, “Two home runs, back to back and belly to belly!” Last year he suggested that Yankee players should select songs from Broadway musicals as their individual theme songs. He calls Robinson Cano and Melky Cabrara “the Dominican Dandies.” When the Yankees were playing Toronto a couple of weeks ago, he went into paroxysms over how much one of the Toronto players resembled a character on the soap opera “The Young and the Restless.” But I don’t mind that John Sterling is odd. It makes it kind of interesting—I’m always wheeling around to stare at the radio in disbelief: WHAT did he just say? Plus, after all those years of listening to Phil Rizzuto, I’m used to weird, stream-of-consciousness broadcasting. What I find unforgivable is that play-by-play announcer John Sterling CANNOT CALL THE GAME CORRECTLY.
The other night he said the White Sox had sent in a player to run for Dye, but Dye had already been called out. In another game, when Derek Jeter got thrown out while trying to steal third, ending the inning, John Sterling said there were two men left on base—but if you didn’t count the guy who’d just been thrown out, there was only one. He can’t get the pitch count right to save his life. The pitch count! (Hey, John—take a peek at the scoreboard.) But the worst thing I ever heard John Sterling do came in the game against Tampa Bay a couple of weeks ago, the one the Yankees lost after giving up 19 runs. The score was 19-5 in the bottom of the ninth, some guy (Green? Guiel?) was on third base, and some other guy (Guiel? Green?) got a hit and drove in the run. The score was so lopsided I was hardly listening, but I perked up a little at that point as John Sterling said, “And the Yankees get their sixth run of the game.” Maybe there would be an insane, impossible rally—with the Yankees, you never know. But then the next batter was out, and that was the end of the game. And John Sterling said, “And the Yankees lose by the score of 19 to 5.” Five?! It’s SIX! Six six six six six! He JUST SAID they got their sixth run! He couldn’t remember the score for, like, three minutes. And it was the FINAL score! The Yankees, who have a bazillion dollars to spend on a brand-new stadium and all kinds of broken-down old has-been pitchers, can’t hire a play-by-play guy who can announce the final score of the game correctly?
I don’t have any beef with John Sterling personally. I’m sure he’s a very nice man. I don’t mean to hurt his feelings, and if I met him in person, I’d probably feel bad for saying such critical things about him. But whenever John Sterling gets the pitch count wrong, Miss Gathman cries tears in heaven.