Christian/Family Values-Oriented Movie Review Database Restores My Faith In Snobbish Film Criticism

Are you a movie buff like I am? Has your heart become heavily-weighed with academic cultural theory, brainy reference points and disingenuous analysis? Do you suffer from cinematic irony implosion? Recently, when trying to find out about films I've wanted to rent, I've forgone the usual paganistic blogs, flesh-worshiping review sites, upside-down crucifix-wearing DVD listing books and also IMDB.com (which I've heard eats aborted human fetuses). I've clensed my palette, and opened my eyes to a whole new way of thinking when it comes to the art of film, while using the ChildCare Action Project: Christian Analysis of American Culture (CAP) movie review database. With it's highly detailed reviews of hundreds of titles, it's a refreshingly different look at every movie I've ever loved. The key? It filters every title through it's biblical-based value rating system and "society influence density" scoring chart while it theorizes, theorizes, theorizes away about how almost every movie is just plain wrong, wrong, wrong. It's all some of the most refreshing film criticism I've ever read...

In their review of A Clockwork Orange, they prevent you from allowing your six year-old to experience this explosive work - revealing it as a hypnotically graphic and far-too-colorful representation of everything leading to the damnation of mankind - backing most of their explanation up with biblical scripture. The CAP reviewers tend to go the Kenneth Starr-route when describing sexual subjects and situations, which langish in heavily-listed detail. In their review of the Kubrick classic, they scold "male glutei fissure nudity" and "homosexual touch with male hand to male gender-specific anatomy in underwear" as well as noting "thong male nudity, repeatedly," and finally concluding with my favorite line of all time; "murder by smashing head with vulgar sculpture piece for furtherance of theft."

In their review of Fight Club, which they dub "...a bizarre fantasy about the 'repressed self'" (quotation marks have never been so necessary), they claim "The central figure, a bored milquetoast business man, had a vision. He envisioned he was the street-wise tough guy who loved to fight. And then the street wise tough guy became real, at least for the milquetoast man..." and also "The *Fight Club* kind of influence emboldens tough guy wannabe's, those who are, and the embittered 'can't take it anymore' types to go for it..." then continuing later with; "In this complex and well organized and realistically choreographed story of brutal aggression, multiple paradoxes tend to suffocate the rational mind of the viewer, efficiently throwing at you almost everything that can reach into the basal man and draw it out in fury with wolf pack camaraderie, ready to strike at a moment's notice. Remember that the trapped wolf will attack the one who is trying to free it!"

Wow!

But the lengthy reviews aren't even the meat of it. They conclude each film write-up with an acronymn-ed "category of offenses" chart, using math to show how most films are part of a campaign to destroy everything. The six categories on the chart are (W)anton violence/Crime, (I)mpudence/Hate, (S)ex/Homosexuality, (D)rugs/Alcohol, (O)ffense To God and (M)urder/Suicide (this spells W.I.S.D.O.M). These listed offenses are then numerically entered into the chart (see above).

For instance, Fight Club scores a whopping 100 points in the Drugs/Alcohol and Murder/Suicide categories, and a surprisingly low 20 points in the Sex/Homosexuality category. This is then kind of calculated along with the "the frequency of examples of ignominy per hour in each CAP Investigation Area" and then, somehow this is all calculated and a CAP final point score is given. Fight Club gets a 31 (is that high or low?), and a "CAP Influence Density" rating of 3.16 (but what does that mean?). It's all too complicated for me, but perhaps you'll have better luck getting through the entire explanation of how the scoring system works. Complex or not, CAP claims "...the CAP Entertainment Media Anlaysis Model has been proven to be reliable and consistent in projecting the correct Motion Picture of Association of America (MPAA) ratings. It is no longer necessary to relate the MPAA rating to CAP scoring."

But it's the lengthy reviews, strange plot summaries and excrutiatingly detailed category offense listings that durn-diddley-doo nearly steal the show every time. For instance, Fight Club gets one demerit point each in the Impudence/Hate category for "encouraging sadness" and "nihilism and glorification of it," as well as "impudence toward boss = 'enlightened'," "praying for car wreck," "belittlements," "punk music in startup background" and Helena Bonham Carter's "punk dress." Speaking of, Hollyweird seems to mean nothing to CAP, as actors and directors aren't even mentioned on many of the site's reviews - just the title and year of release.

Oh but this is all just the tip of the holy mountain. By all means baptize yourself in their very impressive list of titles, past and present (mostly present, actually) - each with long reviews and charts. Look up your favorite cinematic masterpiece, and read on for a refreshingly new spin on it. Your faith in film as a relevant art form will be saved!

Comments

[Sensei Rebel]

Well have to agree with the Clockwork Orange review. It's the worst film I've ever seen.

[Anonymous]

check out their review of South Park: Bigger Longer Uncut

[Alkivar]

Check out the reviews on American Psycho, Freddy vs. Jason, Scary Movie, and Sin City. The movies to hit the rock bottom score of 0. The review of Sin City is awesome.

[Kurtis Popp]

They walked out 94 min. into Mulholland Drive (wonder what scene that was...)

[R]

The Review of SLC Punk is almost poetic:

It was punk in every sense of punk. Anarchy was the goal. Want of disregard for any rule of any kind in any way.

...

The most foul word was used in just about every verbal sentence or paragraph of dialogue or monologue. There was partial nudity, cartoon nudity, satanic hand gestures, flippin' the bird at parents and yelling ....... at them.

And they only stayed for the first 37 minutes!

[Chris L]

Check out the review of Jackass. He lasted 8 minutes!

[Fatherflot]

All I can say is watch out Anthony Lane:

"Rushmore" (G) -- was a school, a stupid school. This was a dumb show, an unimportant show, an easily forgotten show. I don't know if I need to say any more, but I will.

Though not necessarily a violent movie in the vein of most R-rated movies, there were a lot of bully tactics, vengeful actions, threats, and airgun/dart shooting of a kid. The heart of this movie was in lies, arrogance, manipulations of fair authority because of personal failures, and foul language. In one case, a teen took pleasure in insulting a bed-ridden patient of a stroke. In another case, the teen took delight in attempting to murder his adult friend-turned-rival by disabling the brakes of his car. Though not likely in real life, the central teen obtained dynamite.

The central teen tricked himself into a female teacher's bed then the teacher kissed him, but that was as far as it went as if that were not too far. Items of sexual arrogance, innuendo, suggestion, accusation, and talk dragged the Sex/Homosexuality score to well within the R scoring range of 1995/6 movies. Oh, yeah! There was lots of teen drinking.

I suppose there is a lot more I could and should tell you about "Rushmore" in this summary/commentary but there were so many of the same type stuff that to tell you of any is essentially to tell you of all. The above items are the only stand out" I can remember. I normally do not make a suggestion of whether to watch a show but I will suggest that you do not bother with "Rushmore." It was ....... nothing, just nothing. It was so forgetable that I must ask you to trust the numbers and listing more than this summary/commentary. The numbers do not depend on my memory.

[nh_dave]

I haven't seen Fight Club in awhile, but are there any even references to drugs in that film? I don't think so. Sex yes, drugs? Don't think so.

They must have mixed up the sex/homosexuality (their grouping not mine) and drugs, cause the whole movie is hilariously and overtly gay.

There used to be a site called crosswalk or something that had something similar and it was always equally enjoyable. I can't imagine being the poor christian reviewer who would have to sit through these films. Would be like me trying to sit through passion of the christ or whatever it was...

-Dave

[FTM]

We aren't all such prudes... I can't wait to see Jackass 2.

[Kapitano]

I reckon they should review Deep Throat. And list every single reference to homosexuality in it.

[Jellodyne]

I wonder how the Holy Bible would rate on their scale? If memory serves, it contains scenes of Wanton violence, Impudence/hate, drugs/alcohol (water to wine anyone?), sex/homosexuality, offense to god, huge, vast volumes of Murder/violent acts including violent acts towards Jesus (!!!) culminating in extended torture/murder... That book is just full of filth, and nobody should read it. Ever.

[krup]

i thought we weren't supposed to talk about Fight Club...

[sylvester]

^lol , jellodyne! Let's not forget that the bible also mentions an *ahem* "burning bush",lol...gee, I wonder what kind of bush that could be ???

I think that their scale is BACKWARDS! When a movie contains violence or drugs, etc , the bar should go UP, not down... silly silly people.

[Listener Paul]

They liked The Apostle, except for the fact that the preacher commits murder with a baseball bat. Umm, would there have been a movie without that?

[skip]

In a similar vein, check out the stormfront movie reviews forum some time if you're ever curious about what neo nazis think about Lassie ("I could see them being uptight if the family moving in were black, lord knows I would do whatever in my power to make them as uncomfortable as possible,") Grizzly Man ("Kind of reminds me of Antis and liberals. They believe that people like Tookie Williams and other non white criminals are their friends and won't hurt them,") or They Live ("I heard they have been secretly phasing out this movie, because it actually is very close to how things really are. If you replace the aliens with jews it could be a WN movie.")

With over 600 movies reviewed, they're bound to say something mind numbingly stupid about one of your favorite films!
http://www.stormfront.org/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=101

[Jesus]

Oh, Man...Kill Bill's review is freakin' hilarious.

man, the most foul of foul words indeed.

har...

[Ward]

" With it's highly detailed reviews of hundreds of titles,"

"it's" equals "it is".

Thank you

[Jeff Cuscutis]

One of the best ones on that site is the one for the South Park movie.

[ec brown]

From "Austin Powers: The Spy Who --- Me"

"The nudity was so bold and the masking so weak that as Powers spread his legs apart in one scene, the stretch of the tendons in his crotch was visible. In scenes of full nudity his genitalia were ghosted fleshtone; defocused. In other scenes of nudity, convenient objects were used to hide his genitalia -- and ONLY his genitalia. Convenient objects used included furniture, a clock, and textblocks of the names of actors/actresses. In one instance a baby's head was used to hide Powers' genitalia -- and yes, the baby was facing Powers, in the same way DiCaprio's head in *Titanic* was used to hide Winslett's genitalia, but the baby's head was much smaller in perspective than DiCaprio's, thus, less was hidden. Though the baby was an animated baby (like the *Dancing Baby*), what pedophilial signal do you suppose was sent by this scene?"

More paragraphs detailing Meyers' lower regions follow.

The review of the Exorcist was pretty easygoing in comparison.

[anon]

white supremacist movie reviews:

http://www.whitenationalism.com/cwar/movlst.htm

maoist movie reviews:

http://www.etext.org/Politics/MIM/movies/

martin luther at the movies:

http://lutheratthemovies.blogspot.com/

[tillwe]

Their numerical model is the other way round: 100 means "no offenses to Christians", 0 means "hide your eyes". So watch "101 dalmatians" (scores 87), and not "American Psycho" (scores 0). That is, if you believe in this ;-)

[anon2]

Just as funny as his review of "unchristian" movies is his review of "family" movies. The 1951 Disney classic is rebuked for having "Christmas without Jesus" and but notes that there is no sexual content. He totally missed how Lady and Tramp spent a night together and then have puppies at Christmas.

[bob]

I've been reading the CAP movie reviews for years. They are hilarious. My favorites are the PG films, where they find the most innocuous things to flip out about.
For the film "Iron Giant," under the "Sex/Homosexuality" heading we have:
suggestive eye movement [!?], a child on a commode with side nudity [remember, this is a cartoon!]
and under "Wanton Violence/Crime" we have:
child climbing on to roof to fix antenna, child wandering into the woods late at night by himself, a cartoon of nuclear holocaust in an elementary school, playing in a junkyard [how any of these is a crime or violent is beyond me].
Each one of those references being equal to, say, a rape or murder in a live action film, according to their "objective, consistent" ratings system.
Other PG films commit such sins as showing "adults in underwear" (oversized comical boxer shorts), and "gamming," which I assume is the showing of a (woman's) leg. They often can't even bring themselves to write the word "genitalia," instead using the term "gender specific anatomy." Being "naked under covers" is apparently a bad thing. "Naked under clothes" is not mentioned.
They justify punk music as being hateful because of the manner in which the lyrics are sung. The Fight Club description is interesting, since the starting music is, in fact, neither punk nor has it any lyrics. Clearly they didn't like it, though, and that was a good enough reason for them to label it "Impudence/Hate."

[jm]

The most interesting thing about the Fight Club review is that there is no "Murder/Suicide" noted. The cops killed Bob, so it wasn't murder.

[Cibbuano]

That is precious... sometimes, crazed Christians make you appreciate art so much more...