MP3 Truffles:...And Make Romance

Once upon a time (let's call that time "1988"), there was a young music lover with great enthusiasm, but not much yet in the way of taste (let's call him "me") who got himself a job at a chain record store (which we will call "Sound Warehouse"), where he spent some of the bleakest years of pop music as a "Singles Manager". Excuse me, "Cassingles Manager".

But even better than having to reshuffle the cassingles each day, was being in charge of the last remaining vinyl in the record store - the 12" dance singles. We may now live in the age of the mash-up, but there was a time when the regular old dance remix was king. Any mildly danceable song was fiddled with by a stream of remix producers with names like Jellybean Benitez, or Shep Pettibone, or Stock Aitken Waterman. Disco may have died, but drinking and dancing were still needed, and instead of funk grooves, the clubs in the burbs needed longer versions of already popular white-bread songs. So, our plucky remixers would do their darndest to extend a bridge, add a synthesized "blat", program fake hip-hop scratches, and do whatever else they could to stretch a standard pop song into a 5-7 minute dance remix.

And so it was with a mixture of both revulsion and excitement that I discovered Born Again 80s, which posts a mixture of new remixes of 80s pop hits along with the original 12" dance mixes. I used to listen to every one of these original remixes, and while I recognized their cheesiness, I also came to love the form's sheer simplicity. Why totally rework a song when you can simply extend it? When it worked it worked well (heck bands like Dead or Alive and the Pet Shop Boys based whole careers on remixes), and when it didn't, well, you just ended up scratching your head over a Don Henley dance remix, waiting for it to end already.

There's tons to download on the site, but since this is the WFMU blog, after all, I thought it would only be right to point you to the posts of some of the most head-scratching WTF remixes from that era:

• Julian Lennon, "Too Late For Goodbyes" - I had no idea you could add a simple dancey back-beat and turn a Lennon into Debbie Gibson mall pop.
• Yes, "Owner of a Lonely Heart (Extended Dub Mix)" - Ah, the 80s dub. A milquetoast back-beat with occasional vocal samples meant to play as, what, a bridge? How about to put the dance floor to sleep?
• Huey Lewis & the News, "I Want I New Drug" (Original Extended 12" Dance Mix) - Remixing a bar band is never a good idea. You just end up with sax overload. The final minute, though, sounds like the Space Invaders are getting closer. 
• Phil Collins & Philip Bailey, "Easy Lover (Original Extended 12" Mix)" - Like a kid playing with the pause button. There was little to do with this song other than loop the booming drums, then randomly change the speeds and splice the vocals in oddly repetitive fashion. Besides, who really wanted this to be longer, anyway?
• "Kon Kan, Puss N Boots/These Boots Are Made For Walking" - Now, this would be an early mash-up, and a great example of how NOT to do it. Take cheesy pre-programmed back beats, blend it with "The Immigrant Song", add in "These Boots Are Made For Walking", sprinkle with "Tequila", and add in some truly un-inspired "singing". Oh yeah, and a "rap". Future DJ's take note, you have been schooled!

And now let me hear from you, dear readers. Any truly painful 12" remixes you remember being tortured by? Especially one that just seemed wildly inappropriate.

Comments

[Clayton]

There's a shitty techno remix of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" that makes me cringe. But that song is awful to begin with.

[Jon B]

Wildly inappropriate, yet simultaneously utterly brilliant: "It's It's... The Sweet Mix!" Featuring Blockbuster, Fox on the Run, Teenage Rampage, Hell Raiser and, of course, Ballroom Blitz. Assembled by "Megamixer" Sanny X, and released in 1984.

There was a sequel the following year: "Sweet 2th, The Wigwam-Willy Mix," featuring Wigwam Bam, Little Willy, Funny Funny and Co-Co, but it wasn't quite as good.

[Clayton]

A little earlier than 1988, but the 12" extended mix of "Superbowl Shuffle" is also a low point.

[Reggie]

On a mix tape my friend made me for my 21st birthday, he included a dance remix of "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes! It is incredible.

[squarepuller]

to be completely honest, i foudn the "dub" remixes of 80's pop charters to be the most useless piecs of dreck i've yet been made aware of... i owned many a vinyl as a kid then, and the "dub" mixes never once held my attention or garnered the slightest bit of affection/ wow, it's wild to see a post even mention them! only @ wfmu!

[Jim Russell]

Don't forget Springsteen's 12-inch "Dancing in the Dark" remix. (Whoa-OH-oh!)

[Resident Clinton]

Thanks for your comments. In response:
- I am going to search high and low for that Sweet mega-mix!
- I am completely horrified by the prospect of a Super Bowl Shuffle remix. And what the heck was the Boss doing?
- I could not agree more about "dub" mixes. Bleah.
- Both What's Up and Total Eclipse are dance REMAKES, a totally different beast that is even more abysmal and terrifying than the remix.
- I disagree about the original Total Eclipse of the Heart. It is an amazing, bombastic, over-the-top work of pure genius. Steinman's finest hour, and even better when you watch the video.
- And anyone remember that terrible song "Boom Boom Boom Let's Go Back to My Room" (Paul Lekakis, I think)? That just popped into my head as one of those dance mixes that just went on forever.

[Clayton]

Wow. I was certain it was a remix. Still, I must politely disagree. "Total Eclipse of the Heart" makes my skin crawl. Bombastic I can enjoy, but not even "The Impossible Dream" approaches that level of vomitous lunacy. Again, only a polite disagreement.

If you want a copy of the "Superbowl Shuffle" single, let me know. It features the instrumental, as well, which is probably the best track on the record.

[JAQ]

This got me thinking how it would be cool/disastrous if some intrepid remixer tried to do extended remixes of short 80's hardcore songs like early GangGreen, MDC, FU's...you know, the 60 second blasts of fury and distortion. There's a song by Plain Wrap on a Flipside compilation that checks in at around 6 seconds. I can't even get my head around what this would sound like or where you would even begin.

[Ken]

Resident Clinton, was your Sound Warehouse the big one on Evans near DU? I lived in the neighborhood back then but probably patronized that store more for renting videos than for buying music. It's a Walgreens now.

[Clayton]

I like that idea, JAQ. Minch had many songs that were one to three seconds long, as well.

[Resident Clinton]

Nope, not the one on Evans, though that was the Denver "flagship store", which meant for anything remotely obscure we'd have to drive out there. I would just go to Wax Trax instead (where I eventually landed that "cool" record store job). I started in Boulder, then worked in Arvada/Wheat Ridge at the strip mall on Wadsworth and I-25. I don't know what's there now, but my mom still lives not far away.