America Fears the Penis

A few months ago I got to go to a special unveiling of the first dog ever to be immortalized in wax by Madame Tussaud’s: Bullseye, the Target dog. (Of course he’s the first; we don’t even need to discuss why.)

There was a lot of canine genderbending going on at this event. All the press people stood around outside the wax museum, where there was a red carpet and special dog bodyguards—two Rottweilers wearing vests. The Rotties were supposed to look tough I guess (being large and black), but they were actually two girl dogs and both sweet as could be. Big limos pulled up, and various dogs representing dog-adoption agencies got out and walked up the red carpet while the press folks shouted and took photos. Then an incredible white Bentley limo came, and a big white Standard Poodle wearing a plaid taffeta ballgown got out. The Rotties were brought forward to “protect” her from the scrum of press, escorting her to one side of the red carpet. I forget the Poodle’s name, but she was supposed to be Bullseye’s girlfriend.

Lassie showed up next, the real Lassie, because the new Lassie movie had just been released. She sat next to the Poodle and seemed pretty interested in her, and you might have thought Lassie was a lesbian except that, as always, “Lassie” was a boy dog. (Boy Collies have a bigger, thicker ruff of hair and are more photogenic, supposedly.)

After a short delay, another limo glided along, stopped, and Bullseye himself jumped out. He was obviously a LOT more interested in Lassie than in his alleged girlfriend Poodle, but that was because Bullseye was being played by a girl Bull Terrier (easier to train than a male?) and Lassie was a boy. And the big tough bodyguards were sweet girls, and who knows what was under that Poodle’s dress?

I was wondering how the Madame Tussaud’s people were going to portray Bullseye—as the boy he’s supposed to be, or as the girl who plays him at special events? But it turned out not to be an issue, because the wax Bullseye, while a very good likeness of a Bull Terrier, is completely smooth underneath, with no genitalia whatsoever. C’mon, waxworkers! It’s a DOG! Are they afraid that some child will see the wax doggy’s weewee and be traumatized for life?

Some time after the wax dog event, I found a Crazy Frog CD in the new bin at the radio station. It was really annoying so I played one of the songs on my show, and afterwards Program Director Brian told me that while Crazy Frog in Europe has a little penis, the Americanized Crazy Frog is completely smooth down there. This is not just an animal, it is also a cartoon, but even cartoons must not have peepees in the land of permanent war.
America fears the penis.

Comments

[Parq]

>>Target was being played by a girl Bull Terrier (easier to train than a male?)<<

That and they don't go around obsessively "marking" the set. Spuds McKenzie was a girl, too, which led to a great series of "Bloom County" riffs.

[Bartleby]

Frogs don't actually have penises, nor do any amphibians that I am aware of. Some reptiles have 2 though. I suppose in a just world they would share.

[Kapitano]

In the UK, the Crazy Frog appeared in a series of TV adverts, tubelike penis unashamedly on view. Then one day it was covered by a mobile black rectangle. They hadn't redesigned the frog, or rerendered the animation, they'd just superimposed a censoring geometric shape, and wherever the penis went, the rectangle went too.

Why? Some parents (christians, obviously) had complained that their young children (some of who presumably had penises) should not be "exposed" to such images so early in life. These were obviously children who'd never seen a dog.

Anyway, the rectangle was a lot more noticible, and a lot more silly, and indeed a lot more anatomically incorrect, than the original frog organ.

[Brooklyn Bridget]

Kapitano, why do you assume that the people who complained were Christians? There are plenty of other religious beliefs that find it sinful to display the imaginary genitalia of cartoon amphibians.

[K]

Bridget, everytime Crazy Frog gets an erection, the baby Jesus cries.

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I don't agree with the tricked-out post-production, but still of some interest.

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the new bin at the radio station. It was really annoying so I played one of the songs on my show, and afterwards Program Director Brian told me that while Crazy Frog in Europe has a little penis, the Americanized Crazy Frog is completely smooth down there. This is not just an animal, it is also a cartoon, but even cartoons must not have peepees in the land of permanent war.