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September 29, 2007



Last year I shot a squirrel in the garden from my home office window. I shot the little bastard's throat out with my air pistol. I was surprised to see it hold its throat, squirming erratically, then slumping into a crimson mess on the neatly clipped suburban West London lawn.

After the event, I went downstairs into the kitchen and looked out of the french windows onto the garden. My son's girlfriend made me jump. She saw the whole thing. "Did you just shoot that squirrel?" she asked, as she had been quietly standing behind me. "Er, yes... I might have done..." I stammered. God - I am so lame. I loathed myself even more - and the 'cat' was out of the bag. I am a murderer and my karma will sent me to hell now.


Today I almost killed a squirrel. Well, I might have actually killed it but I don't know.

Joan was sitting in the backyard grilling fajitas and drinking a margarita while I laid steadfast on the grass eyeing a squirrel that was just over the fence on a tree. It was behind the part of the fence that I jumped on and broke earlier this year. Joan got mad at me because I jumped on it again, after she had fixed it so now I know I better not jump on that part of the fence, so I was waiting patiently to see what the squirrel would do next.

Eventually, that squirrel went on the garage and I ran around in circles around the bush back there. Then I started sniffing around the yard and I heard a noise in another area - near the fence between the neighbors (who were all out in their backyard). Joan was watching because she was afraid it might be those neighbor's annoying cat that is always coming into MY yard. Then, Joan saw the squirrel on top of the fence and was worried that I would jump against that part of the fence and break it, so she called to me. But I was rounding the oak tree when the squirrel fell off the fence right next to me!!! Joan could not see what was happening because this was occuring on the opposite side of the oak tree from where she was. Since she did not see the squirrel come through, she started calling to me. What was I doing?

Well, I had the squirrel between my teeth, of course! When Joan called me I dropped it, and it ran toward the garage with me close behind trying to get it again. Joan was yelling at me, and the squirrel was flopping around - it was clearly injured. Joan said "You killed a squirrel!" She was very upset. I kept going up to it, and then it ran towards Joan. She backed away - I bet she did not want to get bitten by a possibly rabid squirrel. Then it managed to run to the oak tree and went up. Meanwhile, one of the neighbors popped his head over the fence and asked if I had killed the squirrel. He said that I should be more scared of squirrels than they should of me.

Then I had to continuously smell the areas where the squirrel had been -- where it was flopping around, where it fell from the fence etc. Joan was kind of mad at me and tried to get me to sit down by her at the table but I had my smelling to do.

Then to top it off, about 5 minutes later, the neighbor's cat (to be known as the "black and white cat" from this point forward) came into our yard through the gate that Joan left open because she was watering plants. I barked and ran after it. Joan got a little annoyed both at the cat but also at me because she didn't want me to kill the cat in front of the neighbors (though it would be their fault as the cat should not be wandering around the city).

Later, after Joan did the dishes etc. and was watching a movie, I really wanted to go outside again to smell all those same places where the squirrel was. There is a chance that the squirrel fall again from the tree - especially since I hurt it.

Well that is the closest I've come to killing a squirrel. I really don't like squirrels.


A shame when humans and dogs have the same amounts of compassion and thoughtfulness.

Hebrew School

we have no deal with them!


Is he killing the squirrel at the end? Me not understand.


To cap it all, the Baptist minister who lives two doors along stopped by when I was wrenching my motorcycle in the road, I looked up behind my oily beard at him. He grinned from the window of his landrover. "Hi there Lewis, whe are you off to?" I ask... Lewis has 5 children in the back, scowling at me. "Uh well, yesterday the ginuea pigs were taken and killed by a fox and the children are very upset so this time we are getting some gerbils and keeping them indoors." Little did he know but my scottie dog, Dylan had brought me the head of one of the disemboweled ginuea pigs to show me. I dont think that he did the contract but he was showing me the trophy. I had to bury it myself. I could not bring myself to tell the minister. Perhaps I should... in front of his kids, maybe put the head on a stick and left it peering into their front window with a sataninc message. Maybe not. Thing is, I hate gerbils.


When i was about ten my family had a cat that hunted squirrels, eating their brains and leaving the rest of the carcass. Sometimes he'd drag it up on the porch to show it off but this time he left it at the crime scene which happened to be where my sister and I caught a bus to school. We had never been to a funeral before but we'd seen them on tv or heard accounts so we did the best we could burying the poor guy. We didn't bury him deep enough and over the course of a few weeks his body became exposed resulting in quite a bit of education on mortality. I am more comfortable with death having witnessed this. I have owned rats and have had some die in my hands either naturally or because they had been euthanized. Our relationship with animals shows how understanding we could be of people if they would only offer us the same.


Anybody ever hear the day he came on the Opie and Anthony show? I thought he was going to pull a gun on them.


If it's a black squirrel, it's life is over.


I've heard he is big into ham radio and not as bad a guy when he is not carrying a firearm. Then again, I'm not spending the rest of my life in a wheelchair.

Jim C.

Goetz is an electronics technician. I read somewhere that while he was in jail, he was put to work fixing equipment and was paid the nominal prison wages, $1/hour or whatever, as opposed to the much, much higher rate they'd pay a civilian. So the jail saved a lot of money.


"Her teeth are like chisels..."

Watch your back.

Once, a squirrel got trapped in my fireplace's flue. I promptly lit a fire.

It's not like a killed somebody.

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